My 19-year-old came home at 5 a.m. - am I overreacting?

[LuckysMom]

My DD who is home from college has been keeping really late hours. I understand that sometimes she doesn't get off work until midnight and that she wants to see her friends and have a social life. But, it bothers me when she's out so late. I wake up and realize she's not home, and then I can't go back to sleep. So I toss and turn until she finally gets home. Last night it was about 5 a.m. when she came home.

I know when she's away at college she keeps her own hours and I have no idea where she is or what she's doing so why should it be different when she's home? I tell myself I can trust her to not get in trouble. But I worry about drunks on the highway that late at night, and I lie there awake waiting for her to come home.
I don't want to fight with her about this, but I'm going to give her a curfew, for my own peace of mind. What's a reasonable time for a 19 year old to be coming home?

 

[Ang]

You aren't over reacting. Your house, your rules no matter what the age. I don't know what is a fair curfew. However, I bet if you have a rational, calm discussion with her you can come up with a plan. She probably has no idea that she is disrupting your sleep and causing you distress. Good luck!

 

[turnerstar31]

Just sit down and talk to her. Tell you that you are worried about her when she is not home but such and such a time. Tell her that you know that at college she can do what she wants but for at least your piece of mind have her at least call to tell you where she is or at least where she is going to be. I don;t know if a curfew thing is going to be the best thing. She is an adult now but if you at least sit down and tell her why you want her to be home at a certain time and what not maybe she will understand. Good luck

 

[Buff Hooligans]

I think a complete lockdown is in order. Heck, she'll get over it by the time she's 45 or so.

 

[arlee453]

Gee, that's a tough one.

When I was 19, and home from college in the summer, I had to be home by 11pm. I used the same arguments (you have no idea HOW late I'm out when I'm away...) but my dad told me that when I was under his roof, he needed me in at a reasonable hour since he couldn't sleep until I was home. If I didn't get home on time, he'd call my boyfriend's house (now my hubby) at 11:01 looking for me. Since I didn't want him callling and waking my future MIL up, I was pretty good about getting in the car at 10 til and heading home, or if I was going to be late I'd call ahead first.

Now that I have kida of my own, I can understand why i had the earliest curfew of any of my friends all through out highschool (10pm) & college (11pm). My dad used to say that nothing much good happens after 11pm and I have to say I agree with him on that.

And I was a REALLY REALLY good girl - never, ever 'partied' in high school, rarely had even one drink in college, kept my nose clean, didn't 'ho' around, etc. And my parents still called to make sure I was where I said I was, and checked the mileage on the car to make sure I'd gone where I said I was going. I suppose I felt they didn't trust me, even though I'd never done anything really horrible to make them NOT trust me, but the one time they caught me driving an extra 5 miles make me KNOW they were going to be checking up on me, and made me keep my nose clean.

Will I be checking mileage on the car when MY kids hit that age. ABSOLUTELY!

I figure their methods worked pretty well for my sis and I, so plan to pull out all the stops when my kids get to the teenage years! When they complain, I can take it - I'm the mom, not their friend.

 

[rooster-red]

I used to work a job where my shift ended at midnight when I was younger, so I know it takes several hours for you to wind down enough so that you can get to sleep, and coming home to a house where other people are sleeping and trying not to wake them while you try to wind down makes you feel like you are walking on egg shells.

Maybe in a roundabout way she is trying to be considerate of your need to sleep and may have no idea that shes worrying you so much.

 

[DuckyBoys]

Well, if you think she's in "serious" trouble then no, you're not over reacting.

But if she's just out being a "normal" 19 yr old then I guess you and her need to have a sit down so you can tell her you're freaking out worrying about her.

Personally my daughter will be 18 in three weeks and if she wants to stay out all night and get a feel for it, then by all means. My job as her warden is over, and now I get to learn to be her friend. I taught her well...and to be honest now its time to let go.

 

[fullhouse]

I think it would depend on the kid. I was out of the house at 19, on my own, so that was never an issue. If my daughter was otherwise responsible(as of now she is ), I would be asking her what she's doing until 5am, rather than just getting mad.

 

[BowChickaBowMow]

Your house, your rules... expect to be respected.

That being said... I remember being 18... going to school during the day... working evenings til midnight... and working double shifts when I didn't have school. I'd occasionally want to go get coffee and a snack w/ friends after work (midnight)..j ust to catch up... I had to busy of a schedule to hang out w/ friends, except when they'd stop by work. My dad's rules were a midnight curfew.. even if I worked 'til midnight... I had a 15 minute leeway to get home. So even if I'd call and explain what was going on.. and that I"d like to go get some coffee and I'd be home by 1:00 a.m... no way... "get home NOW!" To top it off, I was paying them rent (and doing all household chores) AND paying my own way for school. They made too much $$ for me to get financial aid.. and I didn't want to take out a loan.

This got old real quick. I moved out as fast as I could. I paid rent to someone else, and had my own freedom.

But I still say.. your house, your rules. There are too many people nowadays that haven't learned to respect rules and authority. Must add that my oldest is only 12.. so I may change my mind when I get to that stage?

 

[ibpboo]

Learning to 'let loose' is very hard to do. Yes, even as parents, we are still growing-up ourselves.