My collection of humor

Discussion in 'Games, Jokes, and Fun!' started by Ottoman, Oct 27, 2008.

  1. Ottoman

    Ottoman Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Oct 4, 2008
    Florida
    Ole left Norway and moved to Minnesota where he bought him a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

    The next day, the farmer drove up and said "Ole, I have some bad news. The donkey died last night. "Well" said Ole, "just give me back the 100 dollars".
    "I can’t" said the farmer "I all ready spent it."

    "Ok den ust unload dat donkey".

    "What are you going to do with him"?

    "I’m going to raffle him off".

    "You can’t raffle a dead donkey you dumb Norwegian".

    "Well dats where you are wrong! You wait and learn how smart we Norwegians are".

    A month later the farmer ran into Ole and asked "What happened with the dead donkey?"

    "I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made 998 dollars".

    "Didn’t anyone complain?"

    Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars
    ----
    A man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

    The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. he has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

    An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

    Two weeks later, the man returns. He repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

    The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

    The man replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"


    More tomorrow
     
  2. bluie

    bluie Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Aug 18, 2007
    thanks for the morning chuckle!
     
  3. Ottoman

    Ottoman Chillin' With My Peeps

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    A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
    "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
    "I am a Bible scholar." he replies.
    "A Bible scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
    "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
    "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
    "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
    "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
    "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
    The conversation precedes like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
    Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
    The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I'm God."
    ----
    Father speech Note: In this fictitious speech, Sarah is the bride or groom's mother

    Before I begin, I want you all to know that Sarah has instructed me: - not to be witty;
    not to be humorous; and not to be intellectual.
    In fact she said, “Just be yourself”.

    Sarah has also asked me to check that my instructions on how to get here were accurate and that everyone has managed to find their way here tonight……so if I could just check by asking, “All those not yet here, please raise your left hand”. Thank you.
    ----
    Riddle #1
    What’s better than God?
    What’s more evil than the devil?
    Poor people have it?
    Rich people want it?
    And if you eat it, you die?

    Answer tomarow.
     
  4. Ottoman

    Ottoman Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Oct 4, 2008
    Florida
    Riddle #1
    What’s better than God?
    What’s more evil than the devil?
    Poor people have it?
    Rich people want it?
    And if you eat it, you die?

    Answer; #1 “Nothing”
    ----

    What a wife needs

    The husband and wife go to a male counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "that is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
    The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I go fishing."
    ----

    1. How to impress a woman:
    Wine her,
    Dine her,
    Call her,
    Hug her,
    Support her,
    Hold her,
    Surprise her,
    Compliment her,
    Smile at her,
    Listen to her,
    Laugh with her,
    Cry with her,
    Romance her,
    Encourage her,
    Believe in her,
    Pray with her,
    Pray for her,
    Cuddle with her,
    Shop with her,
    Give her jewellery,
    Buy her flowers,
    Hold her hand,
    Write love letters to her,
    Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.


    2. How to impress a man:
    Show up naked,
    Bring chicken wings,
    Don't block the TV.
     
  5. Ottoman

    Ottoman Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Oct 4, 2008
    Florida
    Riddle #2

    It’s hard to believe I know, but Abe is the strongest man in the world. Calling himself Abe The Great, he won the title in 2001 and has held it ever since. His speciality is lifting heavy weights above his head and holding them there longer than anyone else can.
    One day, his friend Cyril asks him, “What’s the most difficult thing you’ve ever held, Abe?”
    Abe replies, “There is one thing that weighs almost nothing yet I always find it impossible to hold for more than a few minutes.”
    WHAT IS IT?
    Answer tomarow.
    ----
    This was told by a great comedian by the name of Red Skelton.

    After Church one day a little boy goes up to the preacher and asks, “Is it true that when god made man he made him from the dust of the earth?” “Yes” said the Preacher!
    The little boy asked. ”Is it also true that when someone dies they return back to the dust of the earth”? “Yes” said the Preacher! “Why do you ask”?. Little boy says,
    “Sir, you need to get to my house right away. Because there is somebody coming or going under my bed.
     
  6. Ottoman

    Ottoman Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Oct 4, 2008
    Florida
    Riddle #2
    It’s hard to believe I know, but Abe is the strongest man in the world. Calling himself Abe The Great, he won the title in 2001 and has held it ever since. His speciality is lifting heavy weights above his head and holding them there longer than anyone else can.
    One day, his friend Cyril asks him, “What’s the most difficult thing you’ve ever held, Abe?”
    Abe replies, “There is one thing that weighs almost nothing yet I always find it impossible to hold for more than a few minutes.”
    WHAT IS IT?

    #2 “His breath”
    ----
    LIFE AFTER DEATH :
    "DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
    "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
    "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

    PALM SUNDAY:
    IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
    "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

    CHILDREN'S SERMON:
    ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!! "

    SUPPORT A FAMILY :
    THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
    THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

    FIRST TIME USHERS ! :
    A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
    WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

    PRAYERS :
    THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

    CLIMB THE WALLS :
    "OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
    THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
    "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.


    THE MOOD RING:
    MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.

    THE WATER PISTOL:
    WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
    I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
    MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"

    LITTLE DAVIE
    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
    After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie ?"
    "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

    GRANDMA'S AGE:
    LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.
    GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
    JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
    ----
    Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
    "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
    "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
    "What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"
     
  7. Ottoman

    Ottoman Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Oct 4, 2008
    Florida
    WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN [​IMG]

    1) NUDITY
    I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

    2) OPINIONS
    On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

    3) KETCHUP
    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to y you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

    4) MORE NUDITY
    A little boy was lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

    5) POLICE # 1
    While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little
    girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, s he asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe? '

    6) POLICE # 2
    It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally, he said, 'What'd he do?'

    7) ELDERLY
    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

    8) DRESS-UP
    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

    9) DEATH
    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
    'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'

    1 0) SCHOOL
    A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!'

    11) BIBLE
    A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear.'

    12) 911 call
    The ant of a young boy is telling him what to do in case of an Emergence, “you pick up the phone and dial 911. Then tell the operator your address.” The little nephew looks confused, then says “Why do I tell the operator that I’m a dress?”

    13) Thunder
    A little 4 year old was sitting on the porch swing with his Grandmother watching a storm move in when Thunder cracked in the distance. The little boy told his grandmother that God was mad. The Grandmother asked him, how do you know God is mad? Because of the Thunder the little boy said. The Grandmother asked him, Why do you think God is mad. With big eyes he said, I don’t know, but it’s not me I been good all day.
     
  8. Ottoman

    Ottoman Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Oct 4, 2008
    Florida
    Riddle #3
    Benjamin and Hyman get lost while walking in the forest.
    Benjamin starts walking in a northerly direction and Hyman starts walking in a southerly direction. 15 minutes later, they meet each other.
    HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN?

    Answer tomarow.
    ----
    A man walks into a restaurant and ask the waitress what is the special of the day. The waitress says; “grilled cow tongue” The man says, O-lord no! I’m not eating anything that comes from the mouth of a cow. Just fry me up some eggs.
     
  9. Ottoman

    Ottoman Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Oct 4, 2008
    Florida
    Riddle #3
    Benjamin and Hyman get lost while walking in the forest.
    Benjamin starts walking in a northerly direction and Hyman starts walking in a southerly direction. 15 minutes later, they meet each other.
    HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN?

    Answer #3 Benjamin and Hyman had not gone for a walk together and were within 30 minutes walk from each other when they got lost separately.

    ----
    Boys will be boys[​IMG]

    You find out interesting things when
    you have sons, like...


    1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to
    fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

    2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies
    and run over them with roller blades,
    they can ignite.

    3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than
    200 adults in a crowded restaurant..

    4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan,
    the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and
    a Superman cape. It is strong enough,
    however, if tied to a paint can,
    to spread paint on all four walls
    of a 20x20 ft. room.

    5. You should not throw baseballs up when
    the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling
    fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball
    up a few times before you get a hit.
    A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

    6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

    7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

    8.. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

    9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

    10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

    11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

    12. Super glue is forever.

    13. No matter how much Jell-O you put
    in a swimming pool you still
    can't walk on water.

    14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

    15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

    16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

    17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of
    noise when driving.

    18. You probably DO NOT want to
    know what that odor is.

    19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

    20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

    21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

    22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

    23. Cats throw up twice their body
    weight when dizzy.

    24. 80% of Women will pass this on to
    almost all of their friends,
    with or without kids.

    25. 80% of Men who read this will try
    mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
     
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2008
  10. Ottoman

    Ottoman Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Oct 4, 2008
    Florida
    This will be my last joke


    A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

    The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

    The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

    The woman said, "That's okay."
    For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

    The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

    The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

    So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

    For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

    The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

    The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

    So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!


    The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

    Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

    Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.[​IMG]
    Male readers: Please scroll down.
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    The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

    Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
    Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

    PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!![​IMG]
     

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