My heart is bleeding, my soul broken ~ my little brother died


10 Years
Apr 21, 2009
DJ, Alaska
I posted him on here under the men of byc thread and well tonight is the first night I’m home alone since the horrid call. I’m heartbroken to say the least, he was my best friend in the world he took me for my good (very little), my bad (lots) and my very bad (tons). He loved me for me, even though he was not my "real" brother we grew up together and if I ever had a soul mate of a friend, it was him. We spoke every day, I spoke to him the night before, so did my husband and son. It was a great conversation of how he was getting out of the Army and moving back to AK, he was so excited.

He was 27 and 8 months to the day, and with this long weekend the ppl at Ft Carson have not done the autopsy, even though we know he drowned. I just can’t grasp this; the man did 5 tours being EOD one of the most dangerous jobs in the world without a single scratch. We all "knew" one day we would get the call that he was turned into a "pink mist" as he put it, and yes we would be upset but we were okay with it because it was something he loved and had a huge passion for. It was supposed to be quick and painless; he wasn’t supposed to die scared, drowning.

I told my son and he said "no momma he isn’t dead you will see he will call any min." Today during our Memorial Day Observance as they read his name first on our list and Taps played tears freely flowed down my face, my son got off his chair came and hugged me saying " momma uncle mike still loves you" with words so true and heartfelt I couldn’t help but grin.

This isn’t my first rodeo I have dealt with the loss of 4 major people and many "minor" in my life at this point, my father, Mike’s dad, my 4-H leader and now Mike. I know it always hurts, you just get used to the pain, there is no reason, and no it’s not “okay.” With all my others losses I had Mike, and we shared all of our special places we would go to be alone and deal with our problems together. I have nowhere to go, he is everywhere and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but I’m hurting and truly alone for the first time ever. Even in the sandbox he just knew I needed him and would call moments after I had though “wow I wish Mike was here” it was truly scary how well he knew me and knew when I needed him the most.

I know that the four parts of my heart are all sitting somewhere drinking a glass of scotch amazed at how they all had the ability to turn me from this hard tomboy to a crying girl in just a matter of seconds. I pity anything that ever tries to hurt my son with a Navy Seal sniper, two Army rangers and one Sniper qualified Master EOD Tech watching over him.

I needed somewhere I could come and cry and vent and not be judged. If you read my novel it shows how truly great the people of BYC are.
Last edited:
My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for you loss. I just lost my father. It was a pain I never could have imagined. Hold your son close. My daughter brought me so much peace and wisdom after my loss
I've lost so many.

Every one is different.

I'm so so sorry.


I know nothing I say will make it better, but here for you if you need someone.
I am so sorry for your loss and pain. Today as I remembered every person who has been in harm's way for our freedom, and those we have lost, I am eternally grateful to them and their families.
The families support our soldiers so they can support us. Your loss and pain are shared by so many of us.
You are in my prayers.
Sincerely, Fluffy2
I am so, so sorry. As another poster mentioned, I know nothing we say can fix it. But know that we're always here for you to be your virtual crying shoulder. I wish I had something better to say.

New posts New threads Active threads

Top Bottom