Hi,
As some of you knew my sister was diagnosed with end stage pancreatic cancer toward the end of July this year. . She lived in Colorado, we live in Iowa. Her husband had been diagnosed with throat cancer the spring before. She had an operation in August that was suppose to be to remove the cancerous part of her pancreas. Once they opened it they realized that the tumor was much larger then they had thought, they did what they could to make it so she could at least eat what she wanted and enjoy the time she had left. Sewed her up and gave her 7-0 months to live. Her daughter moved out there to help with the care of David, her husband, and Diania, My sister.
In October they came home for two weeks and I was able to spend 4 days straight with her. I am so glad I had that time with her. I feel like it was because of this time that she decided to move back here for good. Me and my other sister found her a small house only a block from our moms house. Diania was so excited to come back. They arrived on November 16th, her daughter left the next day to go back to Colorado with her husband to get the rest of the furniture. At this time my sister was unable to stay on her own because her pancreas had stopped regulating her insulin, her blood sugar was jumping from 400 to 40 and then back again, it was hard for her to stay awake for long and she had burned her self with a cigarette more then once falling asleep. (yes she smoked, they told her after her operation she could smoke all she wanted, there was no reason not to) So she stayed at moms unless one of us was there to stay with her until her daughter came back.
I had wanted to go down the sat. or sun. after she got there but with the price of gas, I decided to wait until Tuesday when I could stay the night ( I had Tuesday off, but had to work the weekend) My other sister (Mary) called me that Monday night the 21st to tell me that she had taken Diania to the hospital and that she had a blood clot in her leg they would be keeping her over night. I went over Tuesday to see her and stayed for a few hours, she was so tired I felt like she needed her rest, i felt like I could see her another time, that her rest was more important at that time. She was released on Wednesday my sister Mary said the first thing she said when she wen to get her was "Are we going to have some fun now?" That is really bothering my Mary, they never really had a chance to do anything "fun".
The next day was Thanksgiving and my husband and I went down, my brother came (first time in a long time we have had all of us together for thanksgiving) We had a great day, took a few pictures, somehow only ending up with one of Diania, but it was a great day, and she seemed good. We talked about what we would do when I came down to stay with her Tuesday night and Thursday night of the next week. We left around 5 because I had to work at 4:45 the next morning. ( I work at Wal-mart, and it would be black Friday) If I had known what the next day held I would of called in sick, but I didn't.
At my lunch break(at 9am) I texted everyone in my family like I usually do and received a text back from my niece saying that Diania was back in the hospital because they couldn't keep her blood sugar stabilized and she had fallen a couple of times that morning. I was concerned of course, but not overly so. I checked my phone again on my last break, at about 11:30. I had a text from my youngest niece ( she is 15) saying that she wasn't doing to good, and they where not sure if she would pull through. I decided I would go up as soon as I got off work. Again I was worried, but I got off work at 1:30 and that seemed soon enough. I was crying a little as I headed for the bathroom before returning to work, one of my managers noticed and asked if I was okay I said " yes, my sister is in the hospital, I'm just worried" " do you need to leave now?" she asked " No I said, I'm just going to the bathroom then back to work, as long as I'm busy I'm not thinking about it" She said Okay, just take a deep breath let me know if you need anything.
I worked through the rest of my shift, cleaned up and headed for the time clock, I ran into one of my csm's who asked if I was okay, I discussed with her a couple minutes then went to grab my coat, I checked my phone and saw I had a new voice mail. It was my niece Brandi (Diania's daughter) she said in a hurting voice that they thought she only had hours left and that I should hurry. I couldn't breath, I headed for the door as fast as I could, another associate stopped me, I blurted out "my sisters dieing I have to go I have to hurry" Then the associate at the service desk said " you have a phone call hun" I grabbed the phone they where just making sure I got the message, I have to go I said I have to go now, bye. Then I left, with my co workers asking are you okay to drive.
I drive as fast as I can in my old crappy car, I have to go pick up my husband, 15 minutes away, I am mad, I am sad, I am screaming, Screaming at God, Screaming at myself for not going sooner, Just screaming till My throat was raw and I couldn't breath. I approach the turn onto the highway that leads to our gravel and I hear a noise, My tire just blew. I get out of the car, there is a little old man standing a few feet away by his truck that is parked in a driveway. I see that the tire is gone, shredded, I just scream. I am sure I scared the crap out of him, but I couldn't speak all I could do was scream. He comes up to me (slowly) " Is there anything I can do to help mam?" I try to breath " My sister is dieing.... I have to hurry..... my tire is flat...... I don't have a car.... I have to go....... My sister is dieing I have to hurry, she only has hours" all this in between sobs, he says he can see if they can put the spare on my car, not him he is to old, but some guys he has chopping trees. I call my sister in law, I can't think of anyone else to call, My family is at the hospital. The hospital is over an hour away, there wont be time. "Sally! Please help me, I have a flat tire, and my sister is dieing, shes dieing today sally today, I need help please please" "calm down mel, I can't understand you" I don't remember much of the conversation, but the old guy gives me a ride to my house, Sally is on her way to come get us, all I can think is " will we get there in time?" I get home and explain to my husband, he gives me a hug and hurries to get ready to go. I sit down on the floor, my beagle Annie is right there, I just hold her and cry and pray, I ask God to forgive the things I said earlier and to please just let me make it there in time. To please just get there before she dies.
About a half hour later we are on our way. We get to the hospital at about 4pm. The nurse has my family in another room, while they put a catheter in Diania, she tells us that we need to go in two at a time and stay quiet so we don't upset her. She tells us that she is off at 11pm and doesn't think Diania will make it till then. Still that's hours I reason, plenty of time to say bye. My sister and I go in to see her. She is just laying there, she has an iv drip of pain meds, she is breathing hard, she doesn't open her eyes and her hands are so cold. I hold her hand, I tell her how thankful I am she waited for me, What a great lady she is and how much I love her. My other sister is not doing well, she isn't crying but keeps saying " How can it hurt this much, I thought we had more time, She seemed fine yesterday" Soon my niece Mea comes in too. I am worried the nurse will yell, but I know she wants to be with me. I promise Diania that I won't leave her again till its over. " I will stay all night if I need to, I am here" She mumbles "mommy, daddy" Our father passed away when I was 11. I am 27 now. I go and get mom though, She asked for you I say. She hurries in. Now there are four of us, will we get yelled at. I don't care, I can't leave her, I need to stay. Then the nurse comes in and says she thinks they need a couple minutes with her. We leave, my sister Mary is Mad, I can understand why. 15 minutes go by, the nurse finally comes, " I think you should all come in now, she went for over a minute without taking a breath, I think it may be soon" We hurry in
I grab her hand, I want to make room for everyone but I don't want to let go. she is breathing very hard now, and taking longer and longer between breaths. My husband stands behind me my sister to my right and my niece Brandi( Diania's daughter) to the left of me, my mom is across from me, and Diania is just laying there on the bed. Brandi tells her " its okay mom, We are all here, you don't have to wait any longer, you can go now" I want to scream NOOOOOOO but I know it won't do any good, I don't want her to stay here and in pain, but I am just not ready. OH god it hurts so much, but I know the right thing to do. I lean down and kiss her cheek. Its okay Diania, thank you so much for waiting for me, you don't have to wait any longer. We are all here and we all love you so much. Go to summerland when you are ready."(summerland is where she always said she would go when she died, where it was always summer and everyone you love is with you) And she does. Almost instantly she stops breathing, I hold her hand a couple more minutes, but long before the nurse announces she is gone I know she is. I turn to my husband and cry burying my face in his chest. I hear Mary sobbing and I know she needs me. I turn and hold her. She is crying so hard, we hold each other and cry. My mother says I am so glad the pastor was here before, and she said the lords prayer with him. I am shocked, she did I say? I had talked to her about it over and over again, she just said she believed in a higher power but not exactly in Jesus. My heart feels lighter and I smile, somehow knowing that makes it easier. The rest of the night and next few days is a blur.
She wanted cremated and that is done. We will have a small memorial service on Thursday at 5pm. She is at peace now, without having to suffer through the pain anymore. I always thought that if you watched someone die, I mean really saw it happen it would make it more real, but it doesn't. Sometimes it just hits me again, she is gone for good. Never again will she call me, text me or hug me. Never again will I have a long talk with her, or hear her laughter. She was 51 years old, and now she is gone. I have to go back to work tomorrow, I hope I can do it. I'm not doing to well. Yesterday we had to clean out the stuff from the house she only ever got to stay in one night. It was so hard, realizing that's all that's left of her. Just stuff. now the "stuff" is in my living room. I know I took more then I should of... I just hated to see her things thrown away. They where hers! Just because they are not important to us, they where to her. The hardest was a black shirt that is two times to big for me, but it was the shirt she wore the time she came back from Colorado for Christmas. I just sat down on the floor holding it and cried. I took a pair of gloves she use to love, My mom said " those don't match your coat" I wanted to scream "I DON'T CARE! THE LAST HANDS IN THESE GLOVES WHERE HERS!" but I didn't I just said " I know"
Anyway. I just needed to share with someone who isn't dealing with it themselves. Someone who I knew could be understanding and maybe help me work through it.
That is the picture we took on Thursday, at thanksgiving. It seems so weird to think 25hrs later she died.
Thanks for listening.
Melissa
As some of you knew my sister was diagnosed with end stage pancreatic cancer toward the end of July this year. . She lived in Colorado, we live in Iowa. Her husband had been diagnosed with throat cancer the spring before. She had an operation in August that was suppose to be to remove the cancerous part of her pancreas. Once they opened it they realized that the tumor was much larger then they had thought, they did what they could to make it so she could at least eat what she wanted and enjoy the time she had left. Sewed her up and gave her 7-0 months to live. Her daughter moved out there to help with the care of David, her husband, and Diania, My sister.
In October they came home for two weeks and I was able to spend 4 days straight with her. I am so glad I had that time with her. I feel like it was because of this time that she decided to move back here for good. Me and my other sister found her a small house only a block from our moms house. Diania was so excited to come back. They arrived on November 16th, her daughter left the next day to go back to Colorado with her husband to get the rest of the furniture. At this time my sister was unable to stay on her own because her pancreas had stopped regulating her insulin, her blood sugar was jumping from 400 to 40 and then back again, it was hard for her to stay awake for long and she had burned her self with a cigarette more then once falling asleep. (yes she smoked, they told her after her operation she could smoke all she wanted, there was no reason not to) So she stayed at moms unless one of us was there to stay with her until her daughter came back.
I had wanted to go down the sat. or sun. after she got there but with the price of gas, I decided to wait until Tuesday when I could stay the night ( I had Tuesday off, but had to work the weekend) My other sister (Mary) called me that Monday night the 21st to tell me that she had taken Diania to the hospital and that she had a blood clot in her leg they would be keeping her over night. I went over Tuesday to see her and stayed for a few hours, she was so tired I felt like she needed her rest, i felt like I could see her another time, that her rest was more important at that time. She was released on Wednesday my sister Mary said the first thing she said when she wen to get her was "Are we going to have some fun now?" That is really bothering my Mary, they never really had a chance to do anything "fun".
The next day was Thanksgiving and my husband and I went down, my brother came (first time in a long time we have had all of us together for thanksgiving) We had a great day, took a few pictures, somehow only ending up with one of Diania, but it was a great day, and she seemed good. We talked about what we would do when I came down to stay with her Tuesday night and Thursday night of the next week. We left around 5 because I had to work at 4:45 the next morning. ( I work at Wal-mart, and it would be black Friday) If I had known what the next day held I would of called in sick, but I didn't.
At my lunch break(at 9am) I texted everyone in my family like I usually do and received a text back from my niece saying that Diania was back in the hospital because they couldn't keep her blood sugar stabilized and she had fallen a couple of times that morning. I was concerned of course, but not overly so. I checked my phone again on my last break, at about 11:30. I had a text from my youngest niece ( she is 15) saying that she wasn't doing to good, and they where not sure if she would pull through. I decided I would go up as soon as I got off work. Again I was worried, but I got off work at 1:30 and that seemed soon enough. I was crying a little as I headed for the bathroom before returning to work, one of my managers noticed and asked if I was okay I said " yes, my sister is in the hospital, I'm just worried" " do you need to leave now?" she asked " No I said, I'm just going to the bathroom then back to work, as long as I'm busy I'm not thinking about it" She said Okay, just take a deep breath let me know if you need anything.
I worked through the rest of my shift, cleaned up and headed for the time clock, I ran into one of my csm's who asked if I was okay, I discussed with her a couple minutes then went to grab my coat, I checked my phone and saw I had a new voice mail. It was my niece Brandi (Diania's daughter) she said in a hurting voice that they thought she only had hours left and that I should hurry. I couldn't breath, I headed for the door as fast as I could, another associate stopped me, I blurted out "my sisters dieing I have to go I have to hurry" Then the associate at the service desk said " you have a phone call hun" I grabbed the phone they where just making sure I got the message, I have to go I said I have to go now, bye. Then I left, with my co workers asking are you okay to drive.
I drive as fast as I can in my old crappy car, I have to go pick up my husband, 15 minutes away, I am mad, I am sad, I am screaming, Screaming at God, Screaming at myself for not going sooner, Just screaming till My throat was raw and I couldn't breath. I approach the turn onto the highway that leads to our gravel and I hear a noise, My tire just blew. I get out of the car, there is a little old man standing a few feet away by his truck that is parked in a driveway. I see that the tire is gone, shredded, I just scream. I am sure I scared the crap out of him, but I couldn't speak all I could do was scream. He comes up to me (slowly) " Is there anything I can do to help mam?" I try to breath " My sister is dieing.... I have to hurry..... my tire is flat...... I don't have a car.... I have to go....... My sister is dieing I have to hurry, she only has hours" all this in between sobs, he says he can see if they can put the spare on my car, not him he is to old, but some guys he has chopping trees. I call my sister in law, I can't think of anyone else to call, My family is at the hospital. The hospital is over an hour away, there wont be time. "Sally! Please help me, I have a flat tire, and my sister is dieing, shes dieing today sally today, I need help please please" "calm down mel, I can't understand you" I don't remember much of the conversation, but the old guy gives me a ride to my house, Sally is on her way to come get us, all I can think is " will we get there in time?" I get home and explain to my husband, he gives me a hug and hurries to get ready to go. I sit down on the floor, my beagle Annie is right there, I just hold her and cry and pray, I ask God to forgive the things I said earlier and to please just let me make it there in time. To please just get there before she dies.
About a half hour later we are on our way. We get to the hospital at about 4pm. The nurse has my family in another room, while they put a catheter in Diania, she tells us that we need to go in two at a time and stay quiet so we don't upset her. She tells us that she is off at 11pm and doesn't think Diania will make it till then. Still that's hours I reason, plenty of time to say bye. My sister and I go in to see her. She is just laying there, she has an iv drip of pain meds, she is breathing hard, she doesn't open her eyes and her hands are so cold. I hold her hand, I tell her how thankful I am she waited for me, What a great lady she is and how much I love her. My other sister is not doing well, she isn't crying but keeps saying " How can it hurt this much, I thought we had more time, She seemed fine yesterday" Soon my niece Mea comes in too. I am worried the nurse will yell, but I know she wants to be with me. I promise Diania that I won't leave her again till its over. " I will stay all night if I need to, I am here" She mumbles "mommy, daddy" Our father passed away when I was 11. I am 27 now. I go and get mom though, She asked for you I say. She hurries in. Now there are four of us, will we get yelled at. I don't care, I can't leave her, I need to stay. Then the nurse comes in and says she thinks they need a couple minutes with her. We leave, my sister Mary is Mad, I can understand why. 15 minutes go by, the nurse finally comes, " I think you should all come in now, she went for over a minute without taking a breath, I think it may be soon" We hurry in
I grab her hand, I want to make room for everyone but I don't want to let go. she is breathing very hard now, and taking longer and longer between breaths. My husband stands behind me my sister to my right and my niece Brandi( Diania's daughter) to the left of me, my mom is across from me, and Diania is just laying there on the bed. Brandi tells her " its okay mom, We are all here, you don't have to wait any longer, you can go now" I want to scream NOOOOOOO but I know it won't do any good, I don't want her to stay here and in pain, but I am just not ready. OH god it hurts so much, but I know the right thing to do. I lean down and kiss her cheek. Its okay Diania, thank you so much for waiting for me, you don't have to wait any longer. We are all here and we all love you so much. Go to summerland when you are ready."(summerland is where she always said she would go when she died, where it was always summer and everyone you love is with you) And she does. Almost instantly she stops breathing, I hold her hand a couple more minutes, but long before the nurse announces she is gone I know she is. I turn to my husband and cry burying my face in his chest. I hear Mary sobbing and I know she needs me. I turn and hold her. She is crying so hard, we hold each other and cry. My mother says I am so glad the pastor was here before, and she said the lords prayer with him. I am shocked, she did I say? I had talked to her about it over and over again, she just said she believed in a higher power but not exactly in Jesus. My heart feels lighter and I smile, somehow knowing that makes it easier. The rest of the night and next few days is a blur.
She wanted cremated and that is done. We will have a small memorial service on Thursday at 5pm. She is at peace now, without having to suffer through the pain anymore. I always thought that if you watched someone die, I mean really saw it happen it would make it more real, but it doesn't. Sometimes it just hits me again, she is gone for good. Never again will she call me, text me or hug me. Never again will I have a long talk with her, or hear her laughter. She was 51 years old, and now she is gone. I have to go back to work tomorrow, I hope I can do it. I'm not doing to well. Yesterday we had to clean out the stuff from the house she only ever got to stay in one night. It was so hard, realizing that's all that's left of her. Just stuff. now the "stuff" is in my living room. I know I took more then I should of... I just hated to see her things thrown away. They where hers! Just because they are not important to us, they where to her. The hardest was a black shirt that is two times to big for me, but it was the shirt she wore the time she came back from Colorado for Christmas. I just sat down on the floor holding it and cried. I took a pair of gloves she use to love, My mom said " those don't match your coat" I wanted to scream "I DON'T CARE! THE LAST HANDS IN THESE GLOVES WHERE HERS!" but I didn't I just said " I know"
Anyway. I just needed to share with someone who isn't dealing with it themselves. Someone who I knew could be understanding and maybe help me work through it.
That is the picture we took on Thursday, at thanksgiving. It seems so weird to think 25hrs later she died.
Thanks for listening.
Melissa
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