In 2005, on my birthday, my whole family ( my husband and three young boys) went to see if we could possibly see any remote chance that we could tell if the baby I was 14 weeks pregnant with was a boy or girl. First they tried to check the heart beat and could hear none. My worst fears were coming true. We went in to do an ultrasound and saw that the baby had been dead for a week or more. Which had explained all of the back pain I was having. I was devastated. They took us immediately into the office and told us we needed to schedule a D, C and E. I believe that stands for a DiIlate,Curretage and Evacuation. So we went in two days later to have it done. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to go through.I still have the bracelets I wore, the ultrasound pictures and dried flowers from friends in a little box. And still feel like I can't buy a mothers ring because it should have a ruby on it to represent that child, but would be too strange for others who ask me about it. I also had so many problems afterwards. I bled for months. Then when it stopped, menstruation stopped altogether for over a year. I changed doctors, especially since my sister in law was shocked they did not do an autopsy on the fetus. Their reasons were, "well, you had other healthy children, so we know you can have them..." My new doctor found all kinds of bacterias that were causing my problems and explained that I have a pouch holding the lining each month in my uterus due to c- section scarring in my uterus. She explained that I would either have to have a D and C each year to prevent all the bacterias or should have a hyserectomy. Since my family has so many female cancers, she recommended the hysterectomy. For the first year we went with a D and C and planned to have the hysterectomy the next year. I never did make that appointment due to fear, but my husband and I never tried to prevent getting pregnant after the miscarriage( 3 years) and assumed I was infertile(or defective, as I have been calling it) Last Sunday I started noticing tenderness and nauseousness. So like every month for the past three years I took a pg test. Ok, yes, I should own stock in the EPT section of Pfizer. Usually it says not pregnant and then the next day I get my period. It has become a habit and honestly I think psycologically my period won't come on until I take one. This time, the digital test spelled out "pregnant" I was shocked. My husband was shocked. The worry of upsetting my sister in law who has been planning to start trying for a baby after our recent trip to Florida was the first thing I thought of. I didn't want her to think we were trying to take her 'attention'. Plus, my diet has consisted of 3 diet cokes a day and a sandwich at night. Obviously that wasn't going to work. The next day I called the doctors and told them my news and they had me go to the lab and have blood tests done so that they could have the results in two days before my first appointment. At the appointment we discussed my medical issues, the fact that I have been cramping and spotted that morning and she sent me for new bloodtests to make sure my Progesterone and Beta (HGC) were rising like they should be. And also to be tested for 5th disease since the school I worked at this year has had fifth disease going from class to class for the past 3 months. Yesterday pains started underneath my c-section scar on the left side and heading down my front inner thigh, so I called the doctors and went in for an ultrasound. I am only 5 weeks 2 days, so shouldn't tell anybody yet. They could see a gestational sac but no fetal pole and no yolk sac, so they said they could not rule out an ectopic pregnancy or a blighted ovum (empty sac) My Beta did more than double from 344 to 1004 in two days, but my Progesterone went from 38 to 22.9 which is scaring me. Even though it is still within the range, why did it drop? The fifth disease results had not come back yet. It has just been a crazy week and a half. I just don't know if I can go through losing another one again. Plus the internet is scaring me even worse since I have been researching( my obsession) and keep seeing very scary results.