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No mother's day celebration here!!!

Discussion in 'Random Ramblings' started by cackydoodledoo, May 5, 2011.

  1. cackydoodledoo

    cackydoodledoo Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jan 7, 2011
    Crazyville, USA
    I have contemplated writing this post for a long time and after reading a lot of other threads of people venting I thought I would give it a shot. I am not looking for judgement but I would really like some advice.

    I don't know really where to start but I will start with the fact that I am not speaking to my mother and haven't been for over a month. Our relationship was strained before then. This all pretty much started about 8-9 months ago. My mom used to watch my two girls age 6 and my friend's daughter who is same age while we were at work. Friend comes to pick up her daughter and finds all three girls riding their bikes down middle of street. There are blind corners on both sides of my mom's house so very dangerous. She hollers at them to get home. Once at my mom's she is telling the kids to pick up etc... She is out there for about 5-10 minutes and no sign of my mom so she goes inside and my mom is on Farmville(FaceBook game for non-FBers) and completely oblivious that she is there till she says something. So she calls me upset and I in turn call my mom and proceed to let her have it. I pretty much tell her that she needs to choose Farmville or my kids but the two don't mix. Let me add that my mother has a very addictive personality. It runs in her family. Well that didn't go over well.

    Fast forward to a week or so later and I am on FB and realize that I can't see my mom. Obviously this is how I knew she was always on there playing. I do some checking and find that she has hacked my account and blocked herself on my account so I can't see her. On top of this she hacked my email account too. She did this twice and one time after I changed the password. At this point things are deteriorating quickly and I write her an email and basically tell her that I am upset that she would do these things and tell her that I need a break which includes a break from watching my kids. She is constantly complaining about them and having to watch them. Don't get me wrong she loves them very much. I kept my distance for a week or two and slowly started coming around and having her pick up girls from school. We don't really chit chat or nothing but are pleasant.

    Things went on like this for months until around mid April when I get word from my brother that she is behind on the mortgage. The mortgage that my DH and I cosigned for!!! I know I know it was a stupid thing to do but hindsight is 20/20!! Never again!! I call mortgage company and sure enough it's two months behind. Lovely considering I have or had almost perfect credit! So to make a long story short I have emailed back and forth with her trying every conceivable way to salvage this. I have gotten the paperwork for loan modification, deed in lieu, short sale, etc.... and she will have nothing to do with it. She won't vacate the house so I can try to rent it to pay the mortgage. So basically I have decided to let it foreclose because I have no other option. I tried putting it on the market in hopes that it might sell quickly but she won't return the real estate agents calls. In every email communication I have been civil and kind although I really wanted to spout off. Her return emails are hateful and mean and she pretty much reiterates every fault I have or every bad thing I may have ever done. She blames me for her not being to pay the mortgage because I owe her money. I do and had been paying her until she refused to give me a tally of what I owe. The amount I was paying her a month didn't even put a dent in the mortgage payment.

    I might also add that this all coincides with my brother and four of his five kids moving in with her and her supporting them. He has no job and hasn't for the last 17 years. She also has a horrible addiction to shopping and spends hours on Ebay and other craft sites ordering stuff. She has racked up credit card debt out the wazoo and this isn't the first time. The first time my dad bailed her out and that led to their separation. All this and she wonders why she can't afford the mortgage.

    I am angry and upset and hurt and a whole other host of emotions. I just can't fathom anyone doing this to anyone much less their daughter. I don't mind not speaking to her as it doesn't really bother me and it's much less stressful. I could go on and on about comments and remarks she makes and things she does but lets just say I am a much happier person when I don't have to deal with her. The part that really bothers me is my kids. They love their grandma and like to spend time with her. I have not spoken a word of this to them and I told my mom in the last email that she was more than welcome to see them and all she had to do was call. I also made it clear to her that the kids knew nothing about this and I intended to keep it that way. She proceeded to tell one of my friends that I was keeping the kids from her. Ugh I can't win.

    At this point I have no desire to ever speak to her again and everyone says oh just give it some time and things will get better. I seriously doubt it. My mom plays the role of victim in every situation and trying to reason with her and talk to her is impossible. My older sister doesn't really have contact with her and my younger sis only calls because of her kids. She is lucky because she moved across the country and doesn't have to deal with her. I sure wish I could pack up and head across the country or to an entirely different country!!!

    Sorry this is so long but it felt good to get it off my chest. DH and friends get a little tired of hearing about it and I don't have anyone else to talk to. Thanks for listening!
     
  2. KellyHM

    KellyHM Overrun With Chickens

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    Sep 10, 2008
    Lakeland, FL
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  3. debilorrah

    debilorrah The Great Guru of Yap Premium Member

    I skipped a bit, but once I saw you have a difficult realtionship with you mother, I had to chime in. I do also. I am the first born and the gray sheep of the family. I was involved in drugs early in my life (12-19 years old and I am currently 49) and that has never seemed to leave her thoughts. My youngest brother Gary is a golden child. My middle brother is the black sheep and I agree with this one - the guy is impossible!!!

    Never mind that I took care of the woman for 10 years. Ugh. I digress from your post.

    You are in a bad situation for sure!!! I would just sell the danged thing, and give the realtors a key!!! If you want to talk more offline, PM me.
     
  4. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits... Premium Member

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    May 19, 2008
    Western MA
    Thats a tough one...
    Wheres your mother going to live now?
    Did she stop paying the mortgage because you stopped paying her the money you owed her? Thats petty of her..but maybe thats why she did it?
    Its to bad about the kids not seeing her though.... but i guess its her choice... not much you can do there either..
    Tough situation all around...
     
  5. cackydoodledoo

    cackydoodledoo Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jan 7, 2011
    Crazyville, USA
    Quote:I signed all the paperwork to sell it but she has to sign it too and won't return his calls. I don't have a key. I had a garage door opener but gave it back so my brother could use it!!!

    @redhen According to her and what she tells everyone she doesn't know where she is gonna go. She is hoping for sympathy. My brother helped her get a storage unit in the town down the road 30 miles and she talked of getting an apartment there. At this point I don't really care where she lives. She had a choice to stay there and chose not too. I know that sounds harsh but unless I wanted the post to be 100 pages long I can't give every last detail.

    ETA: She also has a considerable sum of money sitting in CD's that she could access to pay the mortgage. She receives a pension which more than covers the mortgage and other bills with plenty to spare.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2011
  6. Laurajean

    Laurajean Slightly Touched

    Apr 2, 2010
    New Hampshire
    Well, I in no way mean this to take away from or diminish your pain, but all I can say is that some mothers are FAR worse, take it from me. I haven't spoken to my mother in many years. I most likely won't ever speak with her again either. But without getting into details, she did far worse, believe me. She was a horrible mother and was extremely toxic to my health and well being.

    To try and speak from my experience, but also to try to be unbias, I guess I would say you have to determine if these things can be remedied at all. You said your mother plays the victim, boy, do I know that story. I'm sure every year she doesn't receive a mother's day card from me, she feels sorry for herself and pretends to wonder what went wrong, but the fact is she was NEVER a mother to me, only biologically. I've learned that family isn't who's blood related necessarily, but who ACTS like family. I have redefined my definition of family, and I am at peace with it.

    That's not to come off sounding jaded and suggest you don't ever talk to your mother again, of course. If this is something you think you can talk with her about, or remedy in some way, of course you should make all attempts. In my case, I made all such attempts for 30 years before giving up and putting my own well being first for once.

    I'm sorry you are in pain and turmoil over all this, and Mother's Day is always slightly painful for me too. I hope this is something you are able to work out, and if not, then I hope you find peace and happiness in other ways. [​IMG]
     
  7. MeatKing

    MeatKing Chillin' With My Peeps

    [​IMG]
    I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't!! I sure hope things get worked out, I coudn't imagine what you are thinking right now!!
     
  8. Frosty

    Frosty Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Mar 30, 2008
    ND
    You have to do what is best for YOU. As far as the kids go, can you trust her not to bad mouth you to them? If she is playing Farmville instead of watching the kids, I would say that they are better off not being there. I recently saw a story where the mother was playing a facebook game while she left her very young son in the bath. He was 13 months old and drowned.

    I can only send hugs!
     
  9. terrilhb

    terrilhb Chillin' With My Peeps

    Dec 11, 2010
    Georgia
    [​IMG] I have no words of wisdom except to say. Enjoy your mother's day with your 2 wonderful little girls and DH. I know it might be hard but try to not think about her on that day. Don't let her take your joy or your girls joy on that day. I know my kids loved giving me homemade cards and presents on Mothers Day. Enjoy your day.
     
  10. Gmsg01

    Gmsg01 Chillin' With My Peeps

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    May 4, 2011
    West Monroe,NY
    Quote:Pay back what you owe her directly to the mortgage company, give her a copy of a receipt for that payment, and explain to her that you have done all you can do, and, as detrimental as it is to your financial record, you are going to have to let the bank foreclose on her if necessary. Then walk away and STAY away. She has already had a eye opener last time your father bailed her out. She either learns, or does not, but you are not responsible for cleaning up her mess.

    Sorry you were put in this position. One of the most useful things my dad ever taught me was to never lend money (or credit) you could not afford to lose with a smile on your face. In this case, your mother risked something more precious then mere money, the well being of children in her care.
     

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