OMG. I could KICK my FIL.

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by gale65, Oct 12, 2011.

  1. gale65

    gale65 Chillin' With My Peeps

    DH and his dad have always farmed together. A lot of what we farm is my FIL's ground which is farmed on shares. Technically that means dh is supposed to do all the work and provide all of the equipment, while FIL sits back and collects 50% of the yield. However, FIL has always been a control freak. To the point where he always had to do ALL of the planting and ALL of the combining. DH just let him and kept his mouth shut, partly because he has to deal with working with his dad every day and also because if anyone makes FIL mad, he takes it out on MIL, who is a nervous nellie and very very dependent on FIL (she doesn't drive). DH was always crabby during spring and fall work-it was just a fact of life that I had attributed to the stress of farming.

    So anyway about 1.5 yrs ago FIL had a stroke. So that spring, he wasn't able to help with planting. DH's brothers helped him and they all got everything done very smoothly. That fall FIL didn't help and dh did all the combining and hauling himself. Everything went perfectly (as much as it can during harvest) and he came home in a good mood every single night. Yay! It was so wonderful. I figured out that the crabby moods were due to working with FIL and not so much the stress of farming.

    So the following spring, FIL tried helping for a day or two but was too tired so again, dh did it all, with some help from his brother. No problems-all the crops got in the ground despite the horrid weather.

    Now, FIL thinks he is well enough to do it all again and has once again, taken over combining. So far he has overfilled the trailer multiple times, plugged up the combine multiple times (which requires a lot of down time unplugging it) and ran it until it was just short of overheating. Plus he is so worn out from working that he is SLOOOOOOOOW. DH has, so far, been keeping his trap shut because he knows that if he says anything, his mom suffers. And he would rather bear the brunt than have that happen. So he's been coming home in a crabby mood. Every. single. night. He said when they move from FIL's place to our cash-rented ground he's going to tell him that he (dh) is going to do the work. He can't take it anymore. I hate to say it but I have a feeling he won't say anything after all.

    I wish FIL would just quit already. He's about 80-something yrs old and seriously needs to relax.
  2. TrystInn

    TrystInn Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 16, 2009
    Southern Arizona
    Its time to talk to FIL's doctor, from the sounds of it.

    Very sorry you're all in this situation.
  3. stoopid

    stoopid Chicken Fairy Godmother

    Aug 3, 2011
    Long Island, NY
    I wish you and DH strength.
  4. gale65

    gale65 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Quote:His doctor has told him over and over that he needs to quit working. He doesn't listen. He says he'd rather die working than waste away at home. The last time someone made him mad he went out in the woods and stayed all day, and didn't eat or anything, and dh's mom's bp was through the roof worrying about him. I wish she could just tell him to eff off but of course she wouldn't. She is just sure he's going to die out there (of starvation or stupidity, I'm not sure) and it stresses her out to the point of being unhealthy.
  5. satay

    satay oz-e-chick

    Sep 2, 2008
    Esk Qld Australia
    Being that I am from a rural area though we don't farm as such we know alot that do. The older fellas really don't know what to do with themselves if they are not farming. I think that is what keeps some of them going so long. It is very hard for them to just not be involved anymore. Sounds like your hubby is as intimidated by his father as the mom is. Not sure what the answer to that one is but I wish you the best in finding something that works.
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2011
  6. Avalon1984

    Avalon1984 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Dec 22, 2010
    Quote:I can agree with that. In a sense I am even like that. Good luck and hopefully you can get him to relax a little.
  7. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits... Premium Member

    May 19, 2008
    Western MA
    First off, i like to say that i'm sorry your FIL has been allowed to bully your MIL like that... thats truly sad and bothers me more than anything.
    Secondly, i know its hard to hear..AND deal with...but i'd just let the man work if he wants to. If hes 80 and already had a stroke...well... i imagine he wont be working much longer at all.
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2011
  8. gale65

    gale65 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Letting him work is one thing. But he is wasting corn (half of it our corn and the yield is so bad this year that we can't afford to dump so much of it on the ground) and he is hard on equipment. The combine belongs to us and we can't afford to keep fixing it all the time when FIL runs into a fence post or a tree or ruins the corn head or other things he's done in the past. He is running it so hot that the engine is going to blow one of these days, and he is wasting time getting it plugged up. And even though it belongs to dh, FIL locks it every time he gets out and takes the key, as if dh is too stupid to even be inside the thing much less run it.

    And I'm worried about my dh too. He has high bp as well and I'm sure this isn't helping. I guess it wasn't quite so bad before until we found out how nice it is when he's not "helping" so much.

    It's probably true also that dh is intimidated by him. I think it's as much respect for him as intimidation though. DH was the youngest and was always neglected by his dad-he would take his brothers to go do stuff and make dh stay home even though he was only a couple years younger. So I think at some point when they started working together, dh liked the attention from him. FIL still clearly favors the other boys and tells dh he can't do anything right. But I agree, and dh agrees, that he needs to grow a pair and just speak his mind. He just is so used to being the lowest man on the totem pole he doesn't feel right doing it. I guess.
  9. satay

    satay oz-e-chick

    Sep 2, 2008
    Esk Qld Australia
    I bet it would be hard to confront him but that is what it will take i think. Can the other brothers and your dh go and confront him together? Sounds like your fl is a real control freak. Sulking of to the woods is something a child would do and it obviously works for him that why he does it. If he is ruining your crop thus affecting your income it really is time for your hubby to step up and say something. Is there something else the fl could be doing around the farm that would still make him feel involved but not at cost to anyone?
  10. Mattemma

    Mattemma Overrun With Chickens

    Aug 12, 2009
    I would talk to mom first then to FIL.If he gave mom a hard time then I would have her come stay with me!

    Hope you get things worked out.I would be honest with him and point out what you said in this post about things going well under dh's care.Tough to hear,but it is something that should be done.

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