OMG i LOVE my sister

Discussion in 'Random Ramblings' started by sdshoars, Nov 21, 2008.

  1. sdshoars

    sdshoars Chillin' With My Peeps

    702
    1
    161
    May 12, 2008
    Texas
    simply because she has the exact same sense of humor as me. she sent me this email. enjoy.

    This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
     
  2. justusnak

    justusnak Flock Mistress

    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]

    Oh my, I have tears just rolling!! TOooooo FUNNY!! Thanks!
     
  3. WriterofWords

    WriterofWords Has Fainting Chickens

    13,212
    26
    313
    Dec 25, 2007
    Chaparral, New Mexico
    I had to print that out for my dad, it was just too good to let go by. Thank you!
     
  4. Wildsky

    Wildsky Wild Egg!

    11,973
    12
    313
    Oct 13, 2007
    California
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] Funniest thing I've read in a while.
     
  5. jjthink

    jjthink Overrun With Chickens

    4,617
    20
    264
    Jan 17, 2007
    New Jersey
    That is the funniest thing I have read in a very long time! [​IMG]

    The perfect antidote after spending all day so far on really serious stuff! THANK YOU.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    JJ
     
  6. sdshoars

    sdshoars Chillin' With My Peeps

    702
    1
    161
    May 12, 2008
    Texas
    Quote:thats my favorite part!!! i also like the term "nuclear laxative"!!![​IMG]
     
  7. GUIENALADY

    GUIENALADY Rest in Peace 1956-2010

    235
    0
    139
    May 1, 2007
    Belvidere nc
    OMG!! That is sooo very true!! I just had my colonoscopy done earlier this month..passed with flying colors. your discription realy gave me a good laugh. [​IMG] [​IMG] have to add tho DO NOT be eating a small marshmellow and inhale!! just about choaked(sp) on one. [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2008
  8. Birch Run Farm

    Birch Run Farm Biddy up!

    Sep 5, 2008
    VERMONT
    I have Diverticulitis and have had Colonoscopies. [​IMG] I am also a sensitive person and I believe honesty is the best policy. So here is my version in blooming color.

    No one asks to have someone go up their behind with scopes, cameras, etc. I was NOT happy.

    The purge process is quite honestly, horrible.

    In the morning, after drinking all that salt water the day before, you are basically a miserable, hateful, dehydrated raving maniac. There will be NO sleep for you because you were stuck to the toilet ALL NIGHT. Other people will NOT want to be around you the next morning at all. Think of your body exploding and you will get the gist if you have not had to do this before. [​IMG] The slightest thing will tick you off at this juncture.

    For my first 'scope' when it looked like I would not be unconscious for the procedure I was getting up off the table to leave. There was no way I wanted to be even slightly aware someone was probing up my butt. [​IMG] I hate to be blunt but that is the reality.

    Well, a nurse anesthasis came in and made me pretty happy. I might have been awake for the 'ordeal' but I sure don't remember it. I am greatful for the meds she slipped into my vein that day.
     
  9. Cats Critters

    Cats Critters Completely Indecisive

    [​IMG]
     
  10. piecemaker

    piecemaker Chillin' With My Peeps

    Feb 12, 2008
    Centerville Texas
    DH had his scope done last week. The only thing I can add is we had to drive 68 miles to have the test done. We took a few extra towels with us. He acted like he had to drink a 55 gallon barrel of lemon salt water [​IMG]
     

BackYard Chickens is proudly sponsored by