Opinions on my poem?

Discussion in 'Hobbies' started by AnimalsComeFirst, Sep 9, 2012.

  1. AnimalsComeFirst

    AnimalsComeFirst Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jun 6, 2011
    Hugging a Chicken
    I am kinda getting into poetry and writing lately... could you guys read this poem I wrote and give me any advice or opinions you have? Thanks, I'd appreciate it! :)

    "A drop cools my skin on the tip of my nose and sends a chill through my bones.
    I walk under a tree that keeps me dry, but I’m confronted yet again with the dark, gray sky.
    A small grey pigeon preens his feathers under a small, green leaf, but flutters away and again I am alone.
    Drops become sheets, and I am cold to the touch… what did I forget, and why?
    The streets are empty and I only hear the sloshing of my shoes as I run through the grey, moving streets.
    I cannot see. I cannot hear. I am cold and alone. What made my life stop?
    A old women silently watches me, her umbrella in hand and a hat on her head, her hair thin as wheat.
    I look at her with sad, miserable eyes and feel water rolling down my cheeks, though I do not know if they are tears or raindrops.
    I feel a warm touch on my back, and I freeze.
    Could it be true… will the rain truly stop?
    A hand caress’s my skin, even if it may only be a warm, summer breeze.
    I look across the street and see the old women, and I smile.
    She stares at me and carefully folds the umbrella and takes off her hat.
    Then smiles back with warm, brown eyes… and this makes me stop and think for a while.
    Who is it who helped me feel warm and loved? Was it the old women? I walked to a bench and sat.
    I wondered, is there something I am missing? What have I forgotten? Something tugs at my heart.
    I remember far back, what was it I was told? “Do not stray from the path of God.”
    God is my answer? I cannot believe its true. Is he my missing part?
    A verse flashes through my mind, and the fact I remember is quite odd.
    “I am the way, the truth and the light. No one comes to the father except through me.”
    My life has been torn apart for as long as I can remember; the emptiness was always there.
    A small voice whispers in my ear and says, “Jesus is the key.”
    Jesus is my key. His love is always true and fair.
    Tears well up in my eyes as I whisper, slowly and truthfully, “I believe. I believe in you, Jesus. Forever and always, as my one and only God.”

    Owned and written by Katy P.
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2012
  2. Yay Chicks!

    Yay Chicks! Chillin' With My Peeps

    Apr 15, 2010
    Forest Grove, OR
    You have some good visual imagery in the beginning, however, this is more prose than poetry. The essence of poetry is metaphor.

    I would also recommend narrowing your theme, and avoiding a lot of rhetorical questions.

    Good luck. The most important part of writing is rewriting...and rewriting...and rewriting...
  3. AnimalsComeFirst

    AnimalsComeFirst Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jun 6, 2011
    Hugging a Chicken
    Yes, I didn't ryhme as much as I would of liked to, i was trying to get out the main plot/story first, then go back and try to make it a poem. When I was writing I did put a lot of questions, i'll try to narrow that down.
    Thanks for your advice! Oh and do you write any poems? If you do, could I see one of them, so I can read it and maybe get some tips from it?
  4. Yay Chicks!

    Yay Chicks! Chillin' With My Peeps

    Apr 15, 2010
    Forest Grove, OR
    I used to write poetry, and took some college level creative writing classes, but I have no idea where any of that would be now.
    However, one of my current jobs is copyediting and proofreading a local publication.

    I would recommend picking up some contemporary poetry from your library to see what styles resonate with you.

    I like the imagery of the gray sky and the gray pigeon. I like the sense of confusion. You don't necessarily have to resolve it into an answer. It can remain a question and a feeling without literally naming the question and the feeling. Does that make sense?

    Have fun playing with it. A great way to practice is to keep observing things in your life and describe them without judging them. Create metaphors.

    A fun exercise to give yourself is to start with a part of a sentence, such as "The long, dusty road..." and then write on that for 15 minutes without stopping, trying not to edit as you go. When you get done, read it and circle phrases that stand out. Use those to create and inspire a poem.
  5. RhodeRunner

    RhodeRunner Chillin' With My Peeps

    Feb 22, 2009
    Ashtabula, Ohio
    I enjoyed the first three lines. They are fresh, grabbing, and help add onto the reader's curiosity. (However, you may want to remove one of the smalls in line three.)

    Afterwards, I do enjoy the imagery. I also appreciated the grey area, as it is the unknown. However, I am not fond of the rain, or sun areas as they are cliche. However, I do think the grey goes on a bit long with no explanation. There are instead rhetorical questions, that take away from the power of the poem, as they are asking questions the reader can't yet understand.

    I would also like to see more in the middle of the poem, by narrowing or widening your theme. There is a great deal missing from this poem. You have a person living in misery, and then rediscovering god and happiness. However, you do not mention what caused them to stray from god, the mistakes made, and the transition to being a believer once more.

    You could also use a stronger ending. In fact, I do think you would have a stronger ending, if you delated the last three lines. The last three lines are just repeats.

    Also, with the mentioning of this not seeming like a poem, I have to agree. Why? First, it has nothing to do with the rhyme scheme, or the lack thereof. In fact, rhyming is a cliche that should be avoided entirely, unless one can use it in a witty fashion. Yay Chicks said, "the essence of poetry is metaphor." Yay chicks is correct! In poetry, it is important to allow the reader to interpret the piece. You need to show them, not tell them. People learn more through experience, and thinking on their own, then when they are told. You are telling too much.

    This being said, I do not see anything wrong with this not being a poem. Many authors write pieces for themselves, not the general public. If this is written for you, then keep in a presence that pleases and means the most to you. However, if this is for an audience, then it needs altered.

    Good luck! Remember...rewriting...rewriting...rewriting...is what makes worthwhile literature! I have attended many critical reading classes, and workshops, and no student ever writes something perfect. But, most have a good start, and that is what you have.
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2012

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