Peach the mystery chick ! chapter 8 !!

Discussion in 'Pictures & Stories of My Chickens' started by crazychicken, Jan 13, 2009.

  1. crazychicken

    crazychicken Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 11, 2008
    NC
    Chapter one the beginning

    Peach's first thoughts where "I'm wet", and "I'm hungry". Her egg was small and round, like a golf ball, and the brown of weak coffee and cream. Her mind became more complex as she awakened from her groggy egg-state. Soon she was set on getting out of her small cramped prison. She shifted her small body into position. "Much better," she cheeped. Oh! She had a voice! Being a very claustrophobic chick, she began panicking as the peep resounded around her shell. Her instincts took over and with all the force she could muster she rammed her head forward.
    OUCH! Not a good idea. However, she could see a small hole in her dark prison, letting in soft light. "Pretty," she chirped. Her curiosity aroused, she stared through the hole for a while then decided she would try the head-slamming action again. She repeated the motion and the hole grew still larger. "This," she cheeped, "Is my way out." She pecked again but stopped almost immediately, startled. Her hole was larger, but her world spun. She felt like throwing up, or as close as a chicken may get to it. When she recovered from her nausea she peered through the hole she had made. A small silver square looked back at her. She stared at it. Soon she noticed a small brownish thing with a hole in it. How strange, she thought. What is it?

    originally written by Crazychicken, edited and improved and otherwise repaired by Envirogirl12
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2009
  2. HorseFeathers

    HorseFeathers Frazzled

    Apr 2, 2008
    Southern Maine
    Interesting choice of words! Luv the "coffee with cream" egg LOL...
    See your not a such bad writer!
     
  3. crazychicken

    crazychicken Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 11, 2008
    NC
    Quote:Yeah my main problem is grammar. [​IMG]
     
  4. HorseFeathers

    HorseFeathers Frazzled

    Apr 2, 2008
    Southern Maine
    Grammar check is your friend. I;m 12 and have it sorta built in to me but I'd run it through Word or some other program before you post it.

    Also beware of run-on sentences! This:
    "this is it she said this is my way out she pecked again but this time something scary happened her hole was bigger now but when she hit the black her world spun and she felt like throwing up when she lost the nausea she looked through the hole in the black and saw a little silver square she stared at it and soon she saw a little brown thing with a hole in it."
    could turn into:
    "This," she cheeped, "Is my way out." She pecked again but stopped almost immediately, startled. Her hole was larger, but when she hit the black (what are you trying to say here?) her world spun. She felt like throwing up. When she recovered from her nausea she peered through the hole she had made. A small silver square looked back at her. She stared at it. Soon she noticed a small brownish thing with a hole in it. How strange, she thought. What is it?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2009
  5. crazychicken

    crazychicken Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 11, 2008
    NC
    Quote:thanks I am not that much older than you and I did run it through word before I posted.

    and as for "She pecked again but stopped almost immediately, startled. Her hole was larger, but when she hit the black (what are you trying to say here?) her world spun."

    she is in the egg and it is from her point of view all she can see is darkness and a little hole in the dark (inside of the egg). what I was saying was the last time she pecked it her egg rolled over so that she was looking at the bottom of the incubator ( you know the silver wire that runs along the bottom and she could see into the water and saw her egg's reflection.

    can I go back and insert your edit ?
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2009
  6. HorseFeathers

    HorseFeathers Frazzled

    Apr 2, 2008
    Southern Maine
    Sure but I'd like credit! Would you like me to rephrase the whole thing? Like a duo story?
     
  7. crazychicken

    crazychicken Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 11, 2008
    NC
    Quote:Sure and as for taking the credit from you now what kind of person would I be then I would be plagiarizing.
     
  8. HorseFeathers

    HorseFeathers Frazzled

    Apr 2, 2008
    Southern Maine
    Peach's first thoughts where "I'm wet", and "I'm hungry". Her egg was small and round, like a golf ball, and the brown of weak coffee and cream. Her mind became more complex as she awakened from her groggy egg-state. Soon she was set on getting out of her small cramped prison. She shifted her small body into position. "Much better," she cheeped. Oh! She had a voice! Being a very claustrophobic chick, she began panicking as the peep resounded around her shell. Her instincts took over and with all the force she could muster she rammed her head forward.
    OUCH! Not a good idea. However, she could see a small hole in her dark prison, letting in soft light. "Pretty," she chirped. Her curiosity aroused, she stared through the hole for a while then decided she would try the head-slamming action again. She repeated the motion and the hole grew still larger. "This," she cheeped, "Is my way out." She pecked again but stopped almost immediately, startled. Her hole was larger, but her world spun. She felt like throwing up, or as close as a chicken may get to it. When she recovered from her nausea she peered through the hole she had made. A small silver square looked back at her. She stared at it. Soon she noticed a small brownish thing with a hole in it. How strange, she thought. What is it?
     
  9. crazychicken

    crazychicken Chillin' With My Peeps

    Sep 11, 2008
    NC
    Taa-daa all fixed
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2009
  10. PortageGirl

    PortageGirl Chillin' With My Peeps

    *subscribes to topic so I can watch how you guys hatch this story!!!*
     

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