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Puns. LOVE them.

Discussion in 'Random Ramblings' started by Whispering Winds, Jun 24, 2010.

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  1. Jun 24, 2010 #1
    Whispering Winds

    Whispering Winds Songster

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    The ability to make and understand puns is, without the slightest doubt, the highest level of language development. These are the ten first-place winners in the International Pun Contest:

    1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

    2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

    3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

    5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"

    7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to Spain ; they name him 'Juan'. The other goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

    8. A group of friars are behind on their belfry payments, so they open up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone likes to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town considers the competition unfair. He asks the good fathers to close down, but they won't. He goes back and begs the friars to close. They ignore him. So, the rival florist hires Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beats up the friars and trashes their store, saying he'll be back if they don't close up shop. Terrified, they do so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

    9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a 'super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.'

    10. Then there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
     
  2. Jun 24, 2010 #2
    Catstar68

    Catstar68 Songster

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    HAHAHAHA! [​IMG]: [​IMG]
    A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.

    To put this to the test, they studied the world’s flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.

    It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.

    A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal.

    One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)...

    “Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises.” [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2010
  3. Jun 24, 2010 #3
    Chickenmaven

    Chickenmaven Songster

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    Cute! [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]

    I love jokes! Cannot tell 'em. [​IMG]
     
  4. Jun 24, 2010 #4
    Catstar68

    Catstar68 Songster

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    Did you hear about the time when the police arrested two men, one having stolen a car battery, the other one having stolen a large firework?

    They charged one and let the other one off.

    More puns:
    http://www.punoftheday.com/cgi-bin/disppuns.pl?ord=F&cat=0&sub=0&page=1

    A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2010
  5. Jun 25, 2010 #5
    ChixDigMe

    ChixDigMe In the Brooder

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    Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them was assaulted.

    Two guys walk into a bar. Which is kind of dumb, because after the first guy walked into it, you would think the second guy would stop.
     
  6. Jun 25, 2010 #6
    Catstar68

    Catstar68 Songster

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    [​IMG]
     
  7. Jun 25, 2010 #7
    jojo54

    jojo54 Songster

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    thanks for the morning laugh. [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  8. Jun 25, 2010 #8
    TerriLaChicks

    TerriLaChicks Crowing

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    [​IMG] fantastic!
     
  9. Jul 1, 2010 #9
    littlemissjellyfish

    littlemissjellyfish Chirping

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    puns make me SO happy! My favorite joke that I learned in 3rd grade :


    A piece of string (bear with me here) walks into a bar. The bartender orders him to exit, stating, “We don’t serve strings in here!” Back on the street, the string is now quite wound up, and starting to feel a bit frazzled. Angrily he storms back into the bar, and when the bartender sees him again, asks him, “Ain’t you that string that was just in here?”

    The string replies, “No, I’m afraid not."


    best joke ever!
     
  10. Jul 1, 2010 #10
    chicken_china_mom

    chicken_china_mom Crazy for Cochins

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    OMG, those had me cracking up laughing!!! I woke a kid up too! Those were hilarious, have to go share one on Facebook now and make my friends there laugh hysterically!!! Thanks for the laughs!!!
     
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