Should I be feeling mad?

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by derby, Feb 20, 2009.

  1. derby

    derby Chillin' With My Peeps

    Apr 18, 2008
    Boonsboro, MD
    My dh had his birthday yesterday. I tried my best to find him a gift (tools at that) and helped the kids get him small gifts. I got up early and made him a hot breakfast. I went to the store and bought everything I needed to make his favorite meal (chicken cordon bleu). I baked a fresh loaf of crusty bread. The kids and I ran around the house and cleaned as much as we could. Our well is low, so I dragged the laundry to the laundromat for 2 weeks, saving water so he could soak in the bathtub when he got home from work. I baked his favorite cake (butter cake with chocolate frosting).

    So when he gets home, what do I hear? His Mom sent him an email! Gee, that was a really nice email! Gee, my Mom really sent me a nice email! It was such a great email!

    He spent time with the kids, told me dinner was good, put the kids to bed, and then called his mother (it was such a nice email you know). He gets off the phone and enjoys his bath. I got a general thank you and dinner was good, but he never spent time we me. He called his mother, for pete's sake, who spent all of 3 minutes sending him an email.

    I know he is a super guy. He's been a great hubby. But I feel a bit taken for granted. Why did I do all that? I should have just sent him a stupid email.

    Should I be mad? I'm trying not to. I feel like such a crybaby.

    I haven't said anything to him. I'm glad he was happy and I'm glad his mother sent him an email, but I think he missed the boat on this one.

    If you were me, would you say something to him?

  2. maplesky7

    maplesky7 Flock Mistress

    Jun 14, 2008
    N. IL.
    All I can say is... I understand. [​IMG]
  3. deb1

    deb1 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jun 26, 2008
    Quote:I don't think that he acted horrible. The gift you gave him was very loving but was your choice to do.

    If you want more, you have to tell a guy. I am going to be a bit sexist here, but men don't always understand that a woman might need a bit more then a thank you. You need to be very clear with him. But be careful, you don't want to ruin your kind and loving gestures by making him feel guilty. Try to take your emotions out of the equation and tell him exactly what you want.
  4. maplesky7

    maplesky7 Flock Mistress

    Jun 14, 2008
    N. IL.
    Something I learned in college during a psychiatry course:

    When you _____ (list behavior---and do NOT list the faults of the can be percieved as an attack on their character.). It makes me feel ________.

    When you hardly acknowledged me and the children's efforts on your special made me feel sad. We had spent time carefully planning out things to make your day special and we would have liked some quality time spent with you.

    ---This way, you don't call him a unfeeling jerk with no clue...but rather, you tell him, he had a behavior that was unacceptable though he sounds unaware of his shortcomings....and that you felt somewhat let down and would like to share some good time with him and your kids. You make your needs known in a civil manner.

    Hope this helps.

  5. thechickenchick

    thechickenchick Born city, Living country

    Mar 8, 2008
    Eaton, Colorado
    [​IMG] I would be mad. Well I can't say that, I don't get mad, I get hurt. My DH says that is worse, he sometimes wishes I had it in me to get mad!

    We had a huge fight yesterday because came home from town, sat in the driveway talking to his friend on the phone for 20 minutes, then comes in still on the phone, talks another 30 minutes and did not aknowledge I was even in the room. It would have taken 2 seconds for him to look me in the eye and smile or mouth the worh hi! Instead when I said Geez you could have said hi he came uncorked and told me to grow up among other things!

    Sometimes I think they just don't get it. You took the time to stop and think what would make his day special, then you spent time, money and effort to see it through. To him it was probablly just ordinary, you always cook dinner, clean the house and do the laundry. You sound like me, you put so much feeling into what you do for him that it feels like he is walking on them when he doesn't acknowlegde it.

    While he was on the phone I was making his favorites for dinner. He didn't notice. Then he told me I ruined the whole day because I got my feeling hurt! Sometimes they not only miss the boat they don't even see the darn thing coming!!
  6. SunAngel

    SunAngel Chillin' With My Peeps

    May 20, 2008
    Chambersburg, Pa.
    Men understand just fine what they should and shouldn't do, people just make excuses for them...oh they are dumb, they don't know better, they can't see all the work you did....its a bunch of bull.

    Boy give them a pair of sideline tickets to their favorite sporting event, a years supply of free beer, a new sportscar or truck, etc. and just watch how appreciative they become. All it boils down to, they are either too inconsiderate to bother with thanking someone properly or they really don't care. Orrrr the people around them have let them get away with acting like that.

    You would be better off writing him a letter (or email) and telling him that you don't appreciate his lack of consideration as to what all you did for his birthday. Tell him you are hurt, not mad and can't believe that his moms email got more response than all you and the kids did. List each and everything you did so he can see you didn't whip it all up in 10 minutes, like superwoman. Tell him if he ever overlooks you like that again it will be the last time you waste your time on him. Plain and simple and to the point. Usually if you let them read it and don't really talk to them until they bring it up, they will 'want to talk about it' and come to you to apologize.

    A letter gets more of a response simply because they can read it when they are in the bathroom or aren't feeling threatened. If you try to 'talk' to them, a lot of what you say goes in one ear and out the other or they tune you out and become defensive. The next holiday that comes around and you don't do anything, he won't be wondering why.
  7. thechickenchick

    thechickenchick Born city, Living country

    Mar 8, 2008
    Eaton, Colorado
    Very well said!
  8. DuckLady

    DuckLady ~~~Administrator~~~BYC Store Support Staff Member

    Jan 11, 2007
    NE Washington State
    My husband flipped out over something I asked him to do while in the car 4 miles from home. I pulled over to talk and he got out mad.......and I left him walk 4 miles the rain.....38 degrees.
  9. debilorrah

    debilorrah The Great Guru of Yap Premium Member


    Some guys, I swear. [​IMG]
  10. SunAngel

    SunAngel Chillin' With My Peeps

    May 20, 2008
    Chambersburg, Pa.
    Good for you! [​IMG]

    Sometimes it takes the hands on approach to get their attention. I am guessing he didn't dare come in with the same attitude.

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