So mad At My Dead Mom

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by deb1, Sep 22, 2009.

  1. deb1

    deb1 Songster

    Jun 26, 2008
    I had a crazy mother and by crazy I don't mean eccentric. I mean crazy and manipulative.

    My father died in Vietnam when I was five weeks old. He was supposed to be the love of her life.

    When I was a very young child she warned me that his family would try to turn me against her. She told me awful things about them. She told me that his parents didn't love him. That they liked his brothers best.

    I did contact my grandfather when I turned 18. We seemed to get along.

    My mother was addicted to pain medicine. One time when she was particularly loopy she told me that she had informed my grandfather that I was angry with him. I was not. But my grandfather didn't talk to me again before his death. Later my mother denied having told me that she had said bad things to my grandfather about me and even asked, "Why would I tell some poor old man who was dying things that would upset him?"[​IMG]

    When my mother died, I found letters from my dad's parents to him. The letters were all very loving and sweet.

    Lately, I have been getting very sweet letters and cards from one of my father's brothers.

    It gets worse. When I was twenty, my grandmother's family wanted me to visit because she was dying. I refused to go. My mother had told me that my grandmother and all the women in the family were promiscuous and hated my father. Why would I want to see such people? I thought that they were nuts.

    My grandmother and grandfather were divorced so when I contacted him, it wasn't automatically contacting her.

    It's like my mother's abuse and manipulation is the gift that keeps on giving. Apparently these people would have been overjoyed to know me.

    Sorry, to vent. Sometimes, the way in which my mom could manipulate and be selfish still boggles my mind. I have forgiven her but forgiveness doesn't always end the frustration of having such a whacked out parent.

    I am just venting to make myself feel better and to overcome the grief of listening to my crazy mom.
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2009
  2. Hangin Wit My Peeps

    Hangin Wit My Peeps

    Apr 20, 2008
    Birnamwood, Wisconsin
    It's terrible to have to find this all out now but one thing I have learned is that hatred only hurts one person...the one feeling that hatred. It just eats away at you and effects you and the people around you too. You can prove to yourself that you are nothing like your mother and forgive her [​IMG] It sounds like she herself didn't have a very good childhood and possibly even worse things that she went through in life. Forgive and move on and contact your family and tell them how sorry you are and I think things will work out for the best for you [​IMG] Sounds like you are already seeing this in the letters you are getting [​IMG] Good luck and I hope you can find it in yourself to love your mother again and forgive her for YOU. [​IMG]
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2009
  3. Dar

    Dar Crowing

    Jul 31, 2008
    [​IMG] are we related?

    my family is the same way

    secrets and gossip and the pretend happy face when we all get together. It was not until i got into the medical field that i realized all the mental illness in my family and informed my dh that he married a nut job cause most of this stuff is inherited. He reminded me that he was adopted and his bio grandmother had dementia and he would not remember jack squat.. lol


    i have learned to laugh at the little quirks and move past all the hurt..
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 22, 2009
  4. sfw2

    sfw2 Global Menace

    I'm so sorry your mom did that to you! Sounds like she was a very troubled person.

    That said, if your father's family is still reaching out to you, that's great! I know you can never get back the time you lost with your grandparents, but you now have the opportunity to write a whole new chapter in your life. Please don't let your anger at your mother get in the way of that.

  5. deb1

    deb1 Songster

    Jun 26, 2008
    Quote:I do forgive her. I certainly don't hate her. Being Catholic, I can pray for her still which is a comfort. But sometimes, I find myself just frustrated with some of the things that she did.

    Her childhood was terrible. Although I feel very sorry for the child that was my mother, I still think that she had choices on how to act. She did occasionally see psychologist who must have known something was wrong. They put her on lithium at one point. SHe refused to acknowledge that she had any problems. That was her choice. I wish sometimes that I could have saved my mother as a child or that her family didn't try so hard to protect her from herself.
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2009
  6. teach1rusl

    teach1rusl Love My Chickens

    I hope putting it all out there helped. You choose your friends, you choose your don't choose your parents. Sounds like yours had a LOT of issues.

    You said an uncle has contacted you? Go from there. If it seems like you all have a connection, then wonderful! You could establish some wonderful bonds. Explain, by letter or in person, the basics of why you never knew them. Good luck!

    PS...if there is a LOT of anger in you, consider therapy. Some people frown on the thought, but I think EVERYONE could benefit by a little counseling now and
  7. deb1

    deb1 Songster

    Jun 26, 2008
    Quote:LOL. I think that my mother had borderline personality disorder. Whenever I read about BPD the articles sound a lot like my mom.
  8. texasgal

    texasgal Brood with an Attitude

    Apr 18, 2009
    DH's mom is the same way .. He never knew his dad's side of the family until he was grown. . and there is still tension there because of her (she is alive)

    She was constantly turning her grown sons against each other and the rest of the family with lies .. and then deny she ever said any of it.. evil woman.

    It sounds like you lost a lot of time and opportunities to know part of your family ...

    Just remember "Hurting people hurt people" .. Sounds like your mom (like DH's mom) was one miserable human being..

  9. sparkles2307

    sparkles2307 Terd of Hurtles

    I wont let my kids know their father's family, but I dont bad-mouth any of them either. He may have been an abusive, lying pile of steaming you-know-what, but my kids dont need me to take that out on them by telling them nasty things about the ex family. On top of that, I wouldnt ever say anything because my kids dont KNOW they have a different dad from DH... but anyways, no, a mom shouldnt put that kind of baggage on her child the way your mom did to you. But whats done is know the truth now, and you get to choose what to do with the knowledge that you now posess. Choose wisely. And I agree about counseling, I think we all have times when that is a very good thing for us. Doesnt have to be ALL the time, but now and then a few sessions never hurt anyone.
  10. deb1

    deb1 Songster

    Jun 26, 2008
    Quote:I am not angry, just very frustrated and regretful. I do forgive my mom. Actually, I am more angry at her family, which chose to overlook or help hide her problems. Every single time I broached the subject of my mom to her cousins or aunt, I was told how much my mom loved me and that families stick together and don't share problems with outsiders. This is probably why some of my mom's cousins were sexually abused and no charges were ever brought against the offending uncle. [​IMG] The family just continued keeping secrets through the generations. [​IMG]

    I have thought of going to a therapist, not to get rid of anger, just to vent.

BackYard Chickens is proudly sponsored by