So sad...

[monarc23]

Just needed somewhere to let off some steam. My almost 22 year old brother will be a father in just a few months...I'm almost 25 and want to be a mother more than anything in this world. I KNOW I have several years left to plan for a child, I know I should be in my own home before then, and should have a good bit of $ saved up...I've been told and know all the *precautions* but this doesn't make me feel any better when just thinking about how I despiratly want to be a mom, to have a little mini me the joys and the stress...(I'll take it all) makes me cry. Plus the fear that when we DO have enough money, when we DO have our own house what if it's too late for MY body (fear of endometriosis here) my mom lost a baby inbetween my bro and I. I haven't talked to my brother much since the last time him and his wife came to visit. His wife doesn't like my brothers family (me...hubby, my mom my dad etc) so my brother barely ever talks to us, esp me....which is really a good thing ever since they got pregnant because i think I would bust out bawling and have no explaination to tell him why....though I believe it's jealousy.... and a sort of *this is not right* issue going on with me. I'm the older sibling, I never ever thought that my brother would be a daddy before i'd get to be a mother. That's besides the point though. If my brother wasn't going to be a dad I'd still feel like I feel, it just adds to it... when I found out my brother was going ot be a dad, I broke down bawling, I couldn't even be happy for him (he didnt tell me, my mom and dad told me he hasn't talked to me about being a dad... maybe he knows how i feel or maybe his wife is completley telling him to cut all ties with sissy...i dont know he's in another state and he and I really started drifting apart anyhow after he came back from Iraq).

I don't know why im posting here really I'm just so sad, broken, incomplete. I'm doing great selling my birds, and am finnally in a hobby that is starting to pay for itself!

However I cannot be happy. Hubby was layed off a few weeks ago due to the economy problems so we are collecting unemployment until they start back up hpefully soon but looking more like in june. Litterally a week before the lay off we were doing the motions into getting our first home.. we had to hault all plans of that with our realitor once that happened and now our house downpayment is being slowly eaten away by bills we need to pay. It really hurts (emotionally). We will be okay, but my husband works SOO hard for us, for me, and he almost got us our dream but it was ripped right out from under us and with it my dream of being a mother.

They fear that evenif they do go back soon that they will be layed off again in november... so that means even when he starts making good money again whats the point of trying to look for a house again, what's the point of getting my hopes up of being a mother finnally.

You don't know how bad I wish I could just plan a baby now in all this mess but i know I shouldn't but this pain in my heart is really causing me a ton of stress. Talking about it with hubby doesnt help because he doesn't have these feelings like I do....and that's not his fault. I have this little joke going with myself that I'm going to have a false pregnancy at the rate im going (wanting to have a baby so bad) I just remember my moms one dog going through that and I swear i've heard of it in humans...

Anyone else feel like this? Most of the time i don't even want to be around kids, or babies as the pain inside of me is just too much and I just want to remove myself from the area. I can't really be happy for anyone with a baby, I am, but at the same time it's killing me. Esp. those younger than me....or those my age with 8 year olds already. Here I am almost 25, when I pictured myself being a mother for the first time at 24...I KNOW...I KNOW only a year older but still it really hurts. I dont know if my "clock is ticking" or what, but i find myself almost every night crying silently to myself.... I wish so bad that I could find something to get my mind off the pain to be happy waiting. As I said my hobby makes me happy but it doesnt take away this pain.

*sigh*

 

[Marlinchaser]

 

[Mahonri]

I'll get blasted for this but I'm going to write it anyway.

You are married. You should be "one flesh".

Do you truly love one another? Does hubby want to have children?

I'm a believer that with faith, the Lord will provide. Do you believe that? Does your DH have that faith?

All it takes is faith in the Lord.

With every child my wife had, we were blessed. AND it hasn't been easy. When we had our first child we were over $140,000.00 in debt. Do you think we were bad people to get pregnant? No, we love each other.

When we had our second child we had bought a home and were over $250,000 in debt.

It took us many years and at substandard pay to get where we are. (I worked for another Dr. for the first 13 years after school to get started)

The Biblical command is to multiply and replenish. It sounds like your DH is trying to do his part. Show the Lord you have faith and He'll bless you. That's my faith. It's worked for us... *we have 7 children.

We still live in the barrio, but we are happy and that's all that matters.

 

[17roses]

I have been there and it happened about your age also. I wish there was something I could say to help with the pain but I know that there is only one cure. Hold on and dont let anyone tell you that your feelings are wrong. I hated it when people would say "give it time" or "your too young to worry about it". I would love to give you comfort but I know it will feel hollow as long as your arms are empty. Take care and even if it does not help, many of us have been there.

 

[Emzyyy]

I have no idea how you feel, I already know I want to adopt Muscular Distrophy runs in the family if I had a boy he has a 50/50 chance of having it, I could never bear to think I had a child just because I wanted one and he could never walk right and die so young, my cousin has MD and I feel so bad for him, here my brother had a 50/50 chance and he was the lucky one and got off the hook. My cousin was a accident and my aunt never got married, he left them knows nothing about him and got married to someone else so he has no father, he recently got a wheelchair which he loves because he could go nowhere before. My uncle died a few months before I was born because of it, I don't want a child that dies before I do. I plan on adopting.

 

[monarc23]

this is basically how i feel but hubby is scared to try while not having the $ *sigh*

Quote:
that's what I want, thank you for these kind words really made me feel a lot better. I can fully admit that hubby needs to rely in God MUCH more than he does. Even I do at times when i forget to look to Him, or when I'm not as nice as I should be or could be to others.

 

[monarc23]

Quote:
thank you for understanding so well

 

[PurpleChicken]

Monarc, you will be a mom someday and you will be a GREAT MOM.

It's important to prepare but no one is ever truly prepared for a child.
If we wait until "all our ducks are in a row" no one would ever have kids.
Life just doesn't work that way. I learned that through experience.

Even with what I'm going through in my life right now I'd have a baby
in a heartbeat if the right woman was in my life.

I agree with Mahonri and will say that love and faith are the only things
truly needed to be a parent. Everything else will flow from them.

 

[monarc23]

Quote:
I would love to adopt, but its a very challenging process atleast here in PA, have to conform to many requirements which I completley understand, but it ends up detering many from applying. I will try someday to adopt though even if I already have my 1-2 children of my own. I will always have room in my heart for a child that isn't by blood mine if I'm meant to adopt I surely will but I am sure that we do not no where by any means fit the requirements right now nor in the near future

. I am so sorry for the MD that runs in your family i can imagine that stress and pain. My mom has lupus and it normally does skip a generation, however it skipped more than just that in my family only other soul who had it in my family was my moms great aunt she died from it though sadly.

 

[monarc23]

Quote:
thank you PC you said it well

My mindset IS this way, though hubbies and my mother are more along the lines of "please wait until money is stable" lol. *siiiighh*