Sometimes makes me mad!

[Catstar68]

Quote:
This, and what Pineapplemamma wrote, also.
what type of man did you marry? Was he like this before and how long did you date before getting married? I think CityGirlinthecountry was on to something too - was he avoiding the'date' because it was all planned by you and you were going to pay for it? Nothing emasculates a man like a woman holding something over their head like that. Men will avoid the situation for some peace, especially if their is huge amounts of PMS-type behavior, petty nastiness and that getting their opinion heard is not something that happens very often.
I'm going to pull a Dear Abby : seek counseling. This goes down much deeper than a missed date.

 

[mom'sfolly]

Garbage...."nothing emasculates a man like a woman holding something over a man's head"

She made plans, she made them with him for a date night, reminded him the day of, drove the kids away, and made arrangements. He said he was going to help "for a little while", and six hours later still hadn't shown up. This is rudeness, period. He was inconsiderate, and blew off the second night without the kids in five years. You wouldn't tolerate this from anyone else, why should someone tolerate it from their spouse?

The OP needs to talk to her spouse about this. They need some frank discussions about finances, priorities and relationships. In my opinion, he was being a passive/aggressive jerk and now she is acting the same way. Neither is approaching this situation like a mature adult. This is about which relationships are the most important, the priorities of family vs. friends, and the way you deal with conflict within a marriage. This marriage seems to need more communication.

 

[Catstar68]

mom'sfolly :

Garbage...."nothing emasculates a man like a woman holding something over a man's head"

She made plans, she made them with him for a date night, reminded him the day of, drove the kids away, and made arrangements. He said he was going to help "for a little while", and six hours later still hadn't shown up. This is rudeness, period. He was inconsiderate, and blew off the second night without the kids in five years. You wouldn't tolerate this from anyone else, why should someone tolerate it from their spouse?

The OP needs to talk to her spouse about this. They need some frank discussions about finances, priorities and relationships. In my opinion, he was being a passive/aggressive jerk and now she is acting the same way. Neither is approaching this situation like a mature adult. This is about which relationships are the most important, the priorities of family vs. friends, and the way you deal with conflict within a marriage. This marriage seems to need more communication.

That was just my point. He's being passive aggressive for a reason and I'm willing to bet it is because he feels he has no power. The balance of power in this relationship in out of kilter and he's lashing out.
Trust me, I watched my own parents pull this off for 18 years. They finally divorced, and IMO - thank God. My mother controlled the house, collected my father's paycheck and gave him an allowance. She was a critical, needy, controlling harpy of a woman. (not saying the OP is! this in my egg-donor I'm speaking of)

What the problem was, was that she was selfish and miserly with everyone but herself. She came first - her feelings, her wants, as if it were her right and never really cared how my father felt (or any of us, unless it served her purpose). She wiped her feet on my father and he let her do it. I'm not defending anyone here but this put my father in a very unmanly position with his friends. And to prove he was still a 'man' in the eyes of his buddies he would pull the 'I'm just going out for an hour to help so-and-so' that turned into 6 hours to escape my mother and 6 screaming kids. My dad never lost an opportunity to get away and help someone. I'm sure when Bob said "hey Doug, don't cha need to get back to the wife?" He replied he would "go home when he was darn good and ready and that is what I'm gonna do". Maybe the 3 days of constant fighting my mother rained down on him afterwards was worth the fleeting feeling of control he had for a few hours. He would work late/weekends I think just to escape her and earn more money to meet her demands. I suppose in some misguided way he thought he could make her happy but he was just making everyone miserable. I can only imagine what she would have been like if their roles were reversed.
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack this with my own story but the point is, yes, he was a jerk but I'm willing to bet there is a pattern of this behavior and he is acting this way for a different reason than just 'being a jerk' or 'a block-headed male'. I'm not buying that.​

 

[Dunkopf]

I think you should figure it out yourself. You know your husband. Doesn't sound like anyone on here knows him.

JMO:

 

[chicks4kids]

Quote:
Good point. I was wondering if maybe he's the one who watches the 2 kids at home (since they're not in school) while you work, and takes care of the house, etc...and maybe this was his way of "taking a break"...granted, if so, it was the worst time to do it, but still....

 

[MeatKing]

The kids are in daycare/ school.. We can't give up our spots at the daycare, or we'll lose them and it's the only center around. So he gets everyday to himself..
This is just his way of always helping his friends know matter what the cost.. If I look back, It's one of the reasons I fell in love with him.. It just I'm supposed to always understand when he puts other people first....

If it was a stranger on the side of the road, he wouldv'e stopped to help them too.. Well at his friends that night, he helped one of the neighbors with a car problem.. Cause he just can't say no, really I guess I wouldn't have either..

i told him, how I felt, that he needs to make it up to me, I think he truely does feel bad..

Just wish it didn't go down this way..

And yes , I will figure it out myself, but it nice to vent sometimes..

He didn't want the jobs cause he feels they are below him.. He enjoys being laid off in the winter, staying in where it's warm. He will have his old job back in the summer...

 

[Tartannik]

I have read this post with interest, and I am glad you have things sorted out. For a man I suppose it must be hard for him to see you going to work and bringing in the money without him being able to help in any way!
Anyway, I have a hubby that puts his sports, work and pub before his kids (4) and me, we have been together 17 years and i suppose I have gotton used to it but reading your post made me mad, probably because I have gone through that senario loads of times!!
I really hope he doesn't do it again

 

[booker81]

I expect to be the top priority to my husband, and I expect his world to revolve around me. I'm pretty needy relationshipwise (I've had some bad ones), but I've learned how to get exactly what I want from him 99% of the time.

I treat him exactly how I want to be treated. I cater to him - make meals he likes, try to keep up a home that is pleasant to him, thank him for every little thing he does, give him space when he needs it, and remain close when he needs it. I talk about my day and what's going on in my world and listen to him talk about his day. In general, I spend a lot of time and energy anticipating his needs and meeting them.

In return, I get all the attention from him I need. If I need something done, I just mention it, and he does it. Need the car oil changed? He's out there in a few minutes. Want him to take care of the chickens? He's out there. Want to take a nap for a few hours on the weekend? He keeps the toddler quiet. I think he spends as much time and energy anticipating my needs as I do his.

Of course, we fight every now and then, but we argue, separate to cool off, and then it's over. All done. No dragging out a grudge, because if he's a turd to me for days, I'll be resentful right back, and vice versa.

One of his big things is needing to feel like he's a good "provider" for the family. He was laid off this summer, and it caused a lot of stress for him, and he did take it out on me by being mopey and negative. I finally wrote him a note on how much I appreciated his hard work trying to find money by looking for side work, his taking care of the house and keeping it spotless, and listed a few of the projects around the house he accomplished. His attitude improved dramatically and has stayed positive. I didn't mention his crappy attitude or anything, just a nice note. It's worked for a couple months now.

Workwise, I'm getting to where I'll soon be making more than him, and I know that might bruise his ego a little, and rather than blow it off and tell him to get over it, I'll keep making sure he knows how much I do appreciate what he does.

People screw up, but there's a time to deal with it, and a time to drop it. The time to deal with it is when it happens. The time to drop it is shortly after. Try treating him like a king, and if he's like most normal guys, he'll suck it right up and treat you like a queen. You guys have been married for a while, so he's gotta be doing something right somewhere along the way, play up those traits and use them.

Venting is all good and well, but sometimes telling someone else about the issue doesn't do much to fix it with your spouse.

If you get sweet on him for a week or so, he might find a way during the day to "make it up to you" while he's home and you're at work. I'd think that would be a nice surprise

Good luck.

 

[slwgirl36]

I don't have an answer, just a dumb question: what is a DH? I would hope it means Dear Husband, or maybe Delayed Husband, but I just cannot figure it out. And I am serious!

 

[noodleroo]

Quote:
It means Dear Husband...