Sometimes we're born into the wrong family **long**

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by kara_leigh, Jun 14, 2011.

  1. kara_leigh

    kara_leigh Chillin' With My Peeps

    May 3, 2011
    Bradleyville, MO
    I know I don't really know anyone here, but I don't really have any friends so I just need to get this off my chest. This is REALLY long, so you don't have to read my ramblings if you don't want to.

    My family is...difficult. My mother and father are bad alcoholics. Their whole lives are spent at a bar, and all of their friends are from the bar. My younger sister is following in their footsteps. My mother is very manipulative, selfish, controlling, hurtful, mean, and emotionless. Being around her is always very stressful and causes me a lot of anxiety. My father owns his own company and drowns himself in work. He and my mom don't get along very well. They even just built a new house with two houses in one. Two master suites, living rooms, and garages on opposite sides of the house, with a common kitchen in the middle. They don't have to see each other if they don't want to. They are married, though, so my father always takes her side, no matter what. Both of them were abusive as I was growing up, but only to me. They never touched my sister. My sister is 27 and is having her first baby. Before she got pregnant, she was drunk and partying almost every night. Her husband is a pot head loser, even though he is really nice. My sister and her husband don't get along either, they only got married b/c my sister wanted to have a baby. They fight and throw stuff at each other all the time. My sister has thrown numerous hot pizzas at his face. I have never been close to my parents or my sister, but since they are my family I have always still loved them.

    A year ago last May, my mom ended up in the hospital with pancreatitis due to her drinking. I posted on Facebook "please pray for my mom, she is in the hospital." She sent me a nasty message saying never to post anything about her on Facebook. I got ticked and tried to talk to my father about it, but he ended up just calling me a jerk. I changed my settings on FB so that neither of them can see my posts unless I choose for them to. That was the start of my family cutting me out. It was then that we decided to move.

    About a year and a half ago I was trying really hard to be closer to my sister. I was trying to hang out with her more, get to know her friends, even though I was considered a prude b/c I don't like to drink much. She was having a New Years party at my parents' house so my husband and I went. I did have a lot of fun, but ended up drinking a bit too much. My husband didn't drink at all, so he put me to bed and then came back upstairs to read a book. About 15 minutes after he put me to bed he noticed one of my sister's guy friends looking around, then he went downstairs. My husband waited a couple minutes then followed him down. He found the guy leaning over me in the bed, stroking my hair, while I was saying "No, stop, please don't!" He threw him off me and they started arguing. The commotion attracted a bunch of people, and my husband took me upstairs and put me in the car. They all insisted it was a mistake, he thought I was his wife. I am a completely opposite of his wife in looks and size/shape. My husband had enough self control to not beat the crud out of that guy. No one took our side, not even my parents, and my sister still hangs out with them all the time.

    My sister got married at the end of last August. At the beginning of August my husband got into an argument with one of my sisters friends on Facebook, and that friend ended up making a comment about me being a big drama queen trying to get people in trouble even though it was a big mistake (meaning the incident with the guy). I flew off the handle about how my sister, her friends, and my parents think it is okay for someone to almost rape their sister/daughter, and do nothing about it. My parents have yet to even say anything to me about it, and my sister still insists that it was a big mistake.

    I was the maid of honor in my sisters wedding, but she didn't even ask me to be in her wedding until 2 months before. Until then, I was left out. She was my maid of honor. I was only maid of honor in name only. Everyone (my sister, her friends, and my mom) ignored me during the entire rehearsal and wedding. That was fun. We didn't see any of my family for the next few months.

    Thanksgiving was boring. They didn't contact us at all, so we ended up just staying home having our own small dinner. We have ALWAYS spent Thanksgiving with my family, so it was bizarre but kind of nice that we didn't have the stress. Christmas was very stressful but everyone was behaving themselves. When we went to leave, I gave my mom a hug and told her that I loved her...she just sat there, didn't hug back, and said "Uh huh." I left almost in tears. We sold our house two days after Christmas.

    We closed our house on March 15th. We hadn't seen my family at all between Christmas and then. On that day, we were rushing to get moved out, so I called and asked if my mom would pick our son up from school. She spent about an hour with him after school, and I was hoping she would stop in to say goodbye to me when she dropped him off. Instead, she pulled up to the curb and dropped my son off, then went to drive away. My husband had to run out in the street to get her to stop. He asked her if she was going to say goodbye to me, and she said "uh, sure". She came in, stood there silent for about a minute (I tried talking to her) then said that she had to go. I gave her a hug, and again no hug back. I told her goodbye and that I loved her, and again nothing in return. I started bawling when she left. By this point I shouldn't care, but I can't help it. We moved 7.5 hours away.

    We went back a week after we moved to move my husband's company down here. I wouldn't have gone, but we needed someone to drive the car back down while DH drove the Uhaul. We stayed with my inlaws b/c their house is 5 minutes from his old shop. My mom was MAAAAAD that we didn't stay with them. On Mothers Day I tried calling her multiple times, tried texting and sending messages on Facebook, and never got a response from her. Again, I was very upset.

    Like I said, my sister is pregnant with her first baby. I was SO excited b/c this is my first blood nephew. I know that my sister and I aren't close, but I tried to be involved but not pushy, and my sister wouldn't let me. She completely blew me off. Fine, whatever. I just found out today, though, that I wasn't invited to any of her baby showers.

    I just don't understand. I don't know what to do. I've heard from some people to just cut them out of our lives. I have such a hard time doing that though. They are my family! Through everything that I have been put through in my life, I just can't walk away. What is wrong with me? I must be such a terrible person since even my own family doesn't love me and wants nothing to do with me. *cry*

    The only saving grace through all of this is that my inlaws are wonderful people. They have taken me under their wing and my mother in law is more of a mother to me now than my own mother ever has been. I love my father in law. He is a very nice man. My sister in law is great, and I love all of her kids. She even came down here with my niece to help us move. She and her family are now thinking about moving down here. They are looking for houses and jobs. I really hope they do. I have never had a real relationship with any family members before, so this is a learning experience for me.

    Sorry for such a long post. Thank you if you made it this far. I really appreciate you taking the time to read about my troubles.
  2. lockedhearts

    lockedhearts It's All About Chicken Math

    Apr 29, 2007
    There is a reason you can pick your friends, there is also a reason that we have caller ID on phones and Facebook has an unfriend and block button.

  3. bgelber

    bgelber Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jul 24, 2009
    Athens, al
    Don't really know what to say. But thought you could use a [​IMG]
  4. Crazy4mypeeps

    Crazy4mypeeps Chillin' With My Peeps

    May 17, 2011
    Kara, I'm super glad that you married into a family that loves you and shows it. That's a big plus. I'd try to focus on that at the moment, and let some of the stress from your own family go for a while. I know that its hard to let those feelings go, but honestly its not healthy for you to stress over it either. You need to consider it "their loss". And the day will come when they regret the way that they have treated you. But that will take some patients.

    So for now, try to focus on the good things in your life. Your in-laws, and your hubby and kids. Be positive in your life and it will reflect back to you.

    Sending you lots of hugs, for strength! [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
  5. WoodChic

    WoodChic The Chic Chick

    Oct 27, 2009
    KKV HQ
    I don't really know what else to say, but I'm praying for you and your family! [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2011
  6. Carols Clucks

    Carols Clucks Chillin' With My Peeps

    Oct 13, 2010
    I am so sorry!

    I bet they all feel like losers and that is why they band together. Your doing good and being successful is a reminder of their own issues.

    As hard as it is, I would send a card for holidays and birthdays, a small gift and card for the baby and don't look back. Until they are ready to look in the mirror at who they are, doubt they will be comfortable with who you are.
  7. debilorrah

    debilorrah The Great Guru of Yap Premium Member

    Do you like them? Are they worthwhile to have in your life?

    See, I am dealing with my mother right now and her selfishness and demanding I follow her commands. I realized today, I don't LIKE my family. They are self serving, boring and petulant.

    So ask yourself - what do they do to enrich your life.
  8. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits... Premium Member

    May 19, 2008
    Western MA
  9. fuzziebutt

    fuzziebutt Chillin' With My Peeps

    Mar 9, 2009
    I was not raised by alcoholics, but by an Aunt and Uncle that thought that they would never have any children. I was "given" to them by a very domineering Grandmother, who though it would be better to be raised as an only child instead of by my mother and 3 brothers and 1 sister. So I was babysat for 16 years. Cold and unfeeling, just taking care of my necessities. When I was 18, I walked away. From all of it. You may not realise it, but guilt is no reason to be connected to people that couldn't care less. One of my brothers (that I don't know), moved out here, and spent 2 years with his hand out. He finally got a job and a place to live, and I told him "That's it. I'm through". I am not raising a grown man, and have no intention of being who he calls when he needs money. Family is good on the Hallmark Channel, but in real life, if they are not a positive influence in my life, then I don't want them. You are a grown woman, and you don't deserve the BS. It's up to you to decided if you want to continue to deal with the BS or not. Hugs. It hurts, don't get me wrong, but not as bad as having it in your face every day. Unfriend them, and fix your privacy so that the family can't even find you on FB. Send cards for the Holidays, and start your own traditions with your family that lives in your house. They shouldn't suffer, either. If your family calls and talks nasty, tell them that you will be unreachable until they can act like normal people. You can be contacted by mail in the future.
  10. kara_leigh

    kara_leigh Chillin' With My Peeps

    May 3, 2011
    Bradleyville, MO
    Quote:We aren't allowed to not give gifts for holidays and birthdays. One year we were very broke and had the choice of buying xmas gifts or buying food. Guess which we chose? I figured my family would be okay with that, but we found out that year that they aren't. We bought them each a nice card instead, and my mom threw a fit. My husband's birthday is in March, and my parents didn't get him a gift for that birthday. She said if we can't give xmas gifts, then she can't give bday gifts. She also refused to give us gifts the following xmas.

    I'm sure part of the reason she wouldn't talk to me on Mothers Day was b/c I didn't send her a gift. We were on our way to buy gifts the week before Mothers Day, and on our way there our car broke down. It blew the head. We weren't able to go get gifts in time b/c of that.

    Thanks everyone. [​IMG]

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