Sticky subject about online dating

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by EweSheep, Nov 8, 2009.

  1. EweSheep

    EweSheep Flock Mistress

    Jan 12, 2007
    Land of Lincoln
    I got a friend who is 21 years old, living with her parents, and she usually post herself on FB about this guy she met online. I dont know much about this guy but I do not know what to make of the whole thing. So I am going to try to explain it all on here and what I think of the whole matter.

    She met him online about almost two years ago, he lives in Boston while she lives here in IL. Neither one of them ever met each other personally. They do call each other now and then. He is starting out on his new job. His history is questionable, as he was once a BAD boy, getting into fist fights, pirating CDs (don't know if he served time for it) and trying to improve his life for her. She said he is so terribly shy, heavyweight but a real teddy bear! (I have confirmed that with some of his FB friends that knows him well, it is true on that case). If my memory serves me right, he has alot of tattoos and she does not like men with tattoos but she has seen his pictures and she told me that she will not give out his pictures to anyone because he is such a private person and people would think less of him. Tattoo or not, I dont care if he is tattoed up and down and lots of pierces, what it matters is her happiness. I think he is four to six years older than her. He had odd jobs off and on since HS. He does not know what he wants to do in life yet but trying to find work so he can support his "future" family or get himself established. He is extremely busy and he is not "into" FB or all the social stuff going on computers and pretty much a "home body". (thats ok, some of us dont care for the FB or social networking but he does try to keep up to date on his friends and see how they are all doing).

    Neither one of them can see each other personally, face to face in the flesh, going out to eat. They did broke up this summer, she pined for him to come back and sort things out and then he came back again. He has told her he is trying to better his life, finding a job before making a serious commitment. She wanted to get married and have kids and all that security stuff which I can understand that. If he is not online, she gets upset. If she does not hear from him for more than a day, she gets upset and rants on FB. If she didn't hear from him for a week, oh boy, the rants gets upsetting that she would be in a "major" depression, ticked off and ready to give up. And the next it would be "YAY, my man is on!"

    We have taken her to events and parties, she didn't dance or socialize with any other men that express interest in her. I know she has a very low self esteem and on meds (for depression and ADD) and she has turned all of them down, being a wall flower and complains no one wants to dance with her or she is not pretty enough, blah blah blah. what!!!!!!!! Even my husband asked her for a dance and she turned him down too! She now says that she is "saving" herself for him and wishes he was there to dance with her and be with her. she calls the online socialization as "dating" but NO physical contact or doing things together has been made. So she still says she is dating him.

    On FB, she expressed "He is the one for me, I miss him so bad, I wish he was here to hug and hold me, I can not live my life without him" and all that stuff. Today this one takes the cake, she now calls him her "loving unofficial husband" and "I think my relationship status is wrong, I am not in a relationship, he now calls me his Wifey, and I guess we are more than going out and we are not officially married. But I am his unofficial wifey!" OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I got a thing about online thing and I can not get my head wrapped around it when two people met online and never met each other. If the guy is so private and does not show himself or wrote anything on FB, it makes me question about this guy even he is a real teddy bear. I know she is old enough to make her own decisions but she is still living with parents which they do NOT like the way she is doing to herself online. I think some folks are a "different person" when they talk to a stranger and they can get into a make believe, fantasy world to "catch" a mate. Even our counselors had expressed it is so common and once they meet, it is very different or they get lucky! Most of the time, its different.

    My husband, almost all of her friends and I kept telling her to find someone else rather than putting her life on hold just for this Boston guy. He may be the sweetest guy but does she really knows him well? She does not want to be alone, traveling and wants a companion when he comes to visit (when he EVER comes) or she goes to him (if she can get her meds under control because she almost get into car accidents of blackouts and severe depressions). I do not mind them being good online friends at all but when it comes to the seriousness of matters of the heart, we all dont see it being "fruitful" or success at all in the future of their relationship, let alone of the talk of marriage already.

    So there you are, all in a she #%$*! crazy???????????????? I know I should not be getting involved but if it is publicized in FB, MySpace, etc. Most of us, just don't see this relationship going anywhere. He will stay in Boston while she will remain in Illinois. She works "as needed" babysitter for a family in the same town for almost three years and she is going to college but unsure of what she want to go.

    I really wanted to tell her to get her life together and quit looking so hard. She did mentioned that she has a hard time finding guys around here and she had look online for a guy who wants to marry her and have kids and live on the farm. She wanted a serious committed relationship.

    So if she was your friend, what would you say and what would you do?
  2. Rusty Hills Farm

    Rusty Hills Farm Chillin' With My Peeps

    Apr 3, 2008
    Up at the barn
    they can get into a make believe, fantasy world

    Sums it up in a nutshell.


  3. saddina

    saddina Internally Deranged

    May 2, 2009
    Desert, CA
    See here's the thing.....

    You don't get a vote. It's her life she's an adult, you've tried to get her to socialize locally, she won't. Any more "help" from you and she'll see you as the problem. And honestly if she's already on meds for severe depression and having issues, why are you trying to push her on other guys? I'll let you in on a secret, a new BF isn't going to help her, some theraphy might, but what about the guys you're trying to push her on, is it fair for them to have a girl transplanted over?

    Back off, stop reading her posts if you need, but she clearly isn't so unhappy with her situation that she'd change things.
  4. OrpingtonManor

    OrpingtonManor Building the Castle

    Nov 15, 2008
    Martinez, CA
    Phew! I don't like the sound of it. I'm actually okay with online dating, as that is how I met my DSO. However, the computer should only be a way to initially find someone who might be right. As soon as a reasonable contact has been made, the parties should meet in a neutral public place. NEVER should the relationship be online, long-distance, whatever. These two have never met. She is going down a bad path. I can't comment on the man himself, since I don't know him, but I have bad, bad vibes. He may not be anything he has told her. He could be 50. He could be a con artist. He could be married. Or, none of those things. But, she can't know, and is investing huge amounts of her well-being in him. If it was my daughter, I'd be going to meet him myself. I would want to know who is online with my daughter. This is scary stuff.
  5. Blackbird

    Blackbird Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jan 31, 2009
    No, I don't think she is crazy; she may need to grow up and find her way, but not crazy.

    I agree with Saddina, she is an adult and can do what she wants - whether that be wasting her life away on an online boyfriend or what have you. It seems you've done what you can, and thats all you can do without 'trespassing' the friendship barrier.
  6. chickeypoo

    chickeypoo The Enabler

    Feb 4, 2007
    before i met my husband i was too in an "online" relationship. through yahoo. i was 19 or so. already had my first DD. and i was "with" someone who didn't understand me.. cheated on me and was just an all around terrible person(we weren't even together.. more like room mates). i thought i knew the guy i was "online" with. he *was* a sweetie.. caring, loving, teddy bear.. trying to change. but as luck would have it.. i had myself fooled with him. he was supposed to move to my town to be with me.. but that ended up not even close to happening. he started getting really weird.. but i do know where your friend is coming from. been ther done that... all my life revolved around this other guy, who just happened to live in Penn. while i live in WI. so.. yeah. i didn't have anyone to stick through it all with me. i used to be outgoing, i would get sad when he wasn't online.. and i would be upset when i didn't get to talk to him. i still think of him.. sadly. but i recently looked at his online pics.. boy am i glad that never happened the way i thought it would. he isn't anything likehe said he was. just remember that your friend has other issues besides this online "commited" relationship. she needs a helping hand. someone to be there with her. don't condemn her for it.. try to talk to her gently about it.. let her know that he may be who he says he is.. but most cases.. they aren't. let her know you are her friend and you want the best for her. and seeing her hurting cuz he's not online or hasnt' talked to him in a day bothers you. i too thought that the guy in Penn was my one true mate..we had *everything* in common. but as i found out.. we didn't really. i think he just led me to believe it. when i realized what was happening to me.. i thought.. i was really stupid and i stil can't believe i fell for someone like that. i hope your friend gets it sorted out. it will be tough for her. esp if her feelings for him are like mine were for my "online commited" relationship. i mean.. honestly.. how commited can a person be.. when the one is half way cross the country?

  7. rainplace

    rainplace Interstellar Duck Academy

    I played an online game for almost 5 years. Two of my friends were a man a woman who fell for each other and only saw each other online. He lived in Washington DC and she lived in Texas. They saw each other for the first time about 3 years after meeting each other. They saw each a few more times and decided to get married. They had online arguments sometimes, they had an online wedding, and most of their real life friends didn't understand. Finally he decided to move to Texas and they legally tied the knot two years ago this coming April. I met them face to face for the first time when I was a bridesmaid at their wedding. I was the only person at the wedding that knew them both. They are totally compatible and I am grateful that I was able to see it all blossom.

    On a more personal note, I met my husband online 10 years ago. We're celebrating our 9th year of marriage on the 15th of this month.

    This doesn't mean that your friend and her boyfriend are compatible, it's just meant as a way to show that it's possible.
  8. Boyd

    Boyd Recipient of The Biff Twang

    Mar 14, 2009
    Sorry, but I think your friend is loosing it and needs to grow up some.
  9. EweSheep

    EweSheep Flock Mistress

    Jan 12, 2007
    Land of Lincoln
    I know but how come LOVE can be blind??!!!!!

    Like a friend of ours told us, LOVE is STUPID, DEAF and BLIND! [​IMG] Lordy falling in love is a great thing but sometimes it can be awful!

    I know hurting her is the last thing I need to do and sometimes we have to grow up learning to love, hurt and love again. Human nature can be precaurious (sp) at best.
  10. usschicago1

    usschicago1 Suburban Cochins

    Aug 11, 2009
    Taunton, MA
    I think you should just watch from the sidelines .

    But also if I were you i wouldn't have EVER posted this online. If she ever found this i think your relationship with her would be stunted and you would no longer know whats going on in her life. I know if that were me i would be extremely upset with you. I would just hope she doesn't find this.
    My family doesn't get along with many people in my other family from in my opinion, over staying there welcome and sharing opinions to openly and this is when feelings get hurt. Be cautious and tread lightly.

    Best of luck

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