Texas Chili Cookoff

Discussion in 'Games, Jokes, and Fun!' started by Quail_Antwerp, Sep 25, 2008.

  1. Quail_Antwerp

    Quail_Antwerp [IMG]emojione/assets/png/2665.png?v=2.2.7[/IMG]Mrs

    Aug 16, 2008
    Subject: The Chili Cookoff
    Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 5:04 PM

    Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity
    in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted
    to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment
    and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
    directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the
    other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides,
    they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted
    this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet
    writer and therefore known and adored by all.

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
    from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
    Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

    FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
    to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the
    beer line.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

    FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
    spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows
    the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
    wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
    part of my chest.

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
    refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
    admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
    belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
    contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
    damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a
    pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to
    stop screaming.

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    spice and peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic. Superb.

    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
    flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
    at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number
    3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

    FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
    wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds
    like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
    which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy,
    they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
    painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just
    let it in through the hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

    JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild

    nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge number 3 fell
    and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

    JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
    all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    FRANK: ------------------
  2. spookykim

    spookykim Songster

    Jul 16, 2008
  3. This is SOOOO much more funny in its original version...... The part about using a snow cone instead of toilet paper isn't in there, and thats the best part!

    Still absolutely hilarious though!!! LOL [​IMG]
  4. Quail_Antwerp

    Quail_Antwerp [IMG]emojione/assets/png/2665.png?v=2.2.7[/IMG]Mrs

    Aug 16, 2008
    OH please! I would love to read the original version!!
  5. Quote:Its much more adult oriented.... It wasn't chili that slid down to his pants, and Sally wasn't just a barmaid!

    I'll have to see if I can find the original somewhere.
  6. Quail_Antwerp

    Quail_Antwerp [IMG]emojione/assets/png/2665.png?v=2.2.7[/IMG]Mrs

    Aug 16, 2008
    googled until I found it OMG [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
  7. Told you...LOL

    I remember the first time I read it. There was like 5 coworkers standing around my cubicle and we were all laughing so hard none of us could answer the phone. We had to let it go to voice mail!!!!
  8. chicken_boy_Kurt

    chicken_boy_Kurt Songster

    Mar 20, 2008
    [​IMG] that was so funny [​IMG]

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