the poison in my life is gone, so why do i feel so guilty? long post *update now it goes to trial*


10 Years
Jun 20, 2009
Rigby, Idaho
we will start off with my mother, who has only been in my life the last 15 years or so. for some reason would not (or could not) believe the things my dad told me, so i tried so hard to let her in my life , even though she was a downer, always whining how it wasnt fair that 'i' have a house, husband, animals and wonderful kids and i am only 28. i got tired of hearing that so i told her that i had worked very hard for everything i had, and if she wanted something similar to stop running from her problems, and start working her issues out. more than once she has marched in my house , and started SCREAMING at my 6 and 7 year old daughters for doing something i had already told them they can do. and i have had to tell her to leave several times. we have fought many times to the point where we didnt talk for anywhere from a few months to a few years. and i kept forgiving her , and setting my self up for hurt. i even loaned her 600 $, plus gave her a mini horse, plus have paid for all the care and up keep of her mule and her mini horse( shots, worming, trimming etc)
then you have my brother, who has been in and out of jail for the last 15 years. everything (including his crime ) is everyone elses fault, not his (according to him) and apparently the world owes him everything.... and he should do nothing.

for the last 2 years he has been on parole. i wont say for what, but if you would like to PM me i will tell you, this is a family friendly forum so i wont say in public. during his parole, he has been staying with my grandma, (my mothers mother) it was ok at first. it was understood that instead of paying rent, he would help my 80 year old grama out around the house and yard. grandma also paid all his fines and what not, bought everything he ever needed.
he did do a lot of work around the house, but after the 'honeymoon period' ( he behaved at first, then the coolness of being out of jail wore off i guess) he started being rude and ungrateful to grama. he also started yelling at grama, throwing fits when she didnt buy him anything. he started abusing gramas puppy, etc.

then you have my grama, who is extremly old fashioned and set in her ways(what 80 year old person isnt??) Grama has had a quadruple bypass 15 years ago,and is on blood thinners, knees replaced, and since my brother has moved in with her 6 Stints put in her heard. grama ( bless her soul) is where i learned to give everything you can, help the unfortunate.

things got WAY worse around thanksgiving. Mother got mad because i wouldnt move my turkey day dinner to a day that she has off of work, my reasoning being #1, my hubby was home, and he is only home for 1-2 days. 2# she doesnt eat meat, and wouldnt be eating any ways. so she was mad at me for that.

Grama and 'brother' go to my uncles(moms brother) for turkey day. grama slips and falls on the frosty grass, uncle, aunt and cousin come running out GRAMA ARE YOU OK??? brother storms into uncles house , slams the door.
she could have broke a hip !! sheesh!

a few days later, grama falls in the kitchen, starts hollering for my brother. he opens his bed room door and screams WHAT THE *&%# DO YOU WANT????? she says, i fell, i need help getting up and i need my cane. he stomps into the kitchen THROWS the cane at her, (it lands 5ft from her) and stomps back to his room

BTW he is 31 years old

then the thing that really makes me mad, is a few nites later they are finishing dinner grama sets her tray down (brother is sitting 4 feet from her) she goes to stand up and her nose starts gushing blood, splashing off the table, i mean every where.
a normal person would have jumped up and helped , got a cold rag what ever.

but i never said my brother is normal.
grama bled for almost an hour and he sat there sopping up his spagetti sauce with a roll. i fully believe he would have let her bleed to death.

grama calls me as soon as he is out of earshot and tells me what happened. i was livid!

so i call my mother, tell her what happend. she is mad but tells me ' oh there is 2 sides to every story. she goes on to tell me that brother said that grama is not paying his fines any more. i tell her well, your mother has been taking care of your son for 2 years, i think its time for you to step up. my mother thinks my brother is perfect. she also thinks that everyone is just too hard on him.
i did try having him out here to do a few things, but could not allow him out here after a few weeks because of innapropriate advances towards, my friends and even after he was told to stop he continued.

my mom tells me that she wont be getting me anything for christmas because she has to pay his fines (400$ worth) i told her that the only thing i wanted was him out of my elderly gramas house and that i was worried he was going to kill her.

a few days later mom tells me that brother didnt know what to do when grama started bleeding like that .. what ever! GAH!

then comes the day that my uncle is at gramas, grama asks brother to empty his garbage in his bathroom, and my uncle over hears him saying many not so nice words and phrases towards my grama. my uncle off and slaps my brother 2 times. and tells him to grow up and realize that its time to respect your elders. personally, my brother deserved it and had it coming.

Brother leaves gramas on his bicycle. he left there with no marks, no blood, rode 20 blocks to moms, and BAM he has blood and marks all over his face. and tells mom that uncle beat the crud out of him.

mom calls me and yells at ME as if its MY fault. and then proceeds to call me names and hang up on me.
brother presses charges on uncle for aggravated assult

the next day, mom and brother show up at gramas to get brothers stuff. my mother, hits my 80year old grama full on punches her. i get a call, from grama, she is up set, i speed into town. i get there grama is white as a ghost.
cops are called, grama wont press charges or go to the ER bless her soul.

so i am done. any person that hits a 80 year old woman is no family of mine.

that all happened 3 weeks or so ago. havent talked to my mom or brother at all. i still have moms horse and mule here, she is not taking them till she pays their board, and pays what she owes me.

so tell me why am i feeling so guilty?? i mean she is my mom and i willl always love her. but i am seriously thinking i need to call her, and apologize, but i have no reason to apologize. i did nothing.
am i right for not allowing her to be in my life, and my kids lifes?? because all of this, i am loosing sleep, and hoping and praying grama will be ok...
there is some more to all this, but i have already written a book, and dont want to bore you.

i have a mom btw, my step mom who raised me from the time i was 2 years old. i love her dearly, and she is my mom. 90% of the time i call my birth mom by her first name.
any suggestions?
do i forgive and forget OR do i just leave it as it is, and be thankful for my step mom , and other family members??
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Broody Magician
Premium Feather Member
12 Years
May 3, 2009
New Jersey
You should forgive (it's healthy for you) but absolutely don't forget. It's time to exclude these toxic people from your life - permanently. They are not going to change. You owe this to your children, your husband, and yourself. Is it really guilt that you feel or grieving for something that these people are unable to provide? I have family that I had to exclude from my life, and I feel nothing but relief. Perhaps speaking with a profesional can help you resolve your feelings. I understand your pain, and wish you healing.
Read my sig line - it's the truth.


11 Years
Dec 24, 2008
New Hampshire
My personal opinion - give real mother/toxic family a kick to the curb. If you apologize, she wins. You have absolutely nothing to be apologizing for!!
The more you let her get pushy with you, the more she will do it. There is no need to people like that in your life, whether they are family or not.
I'll say, my family is no where near that...hectic...for lack of better words, but I have found that I have no need to the family of feels that they need to push me around and try to control me. I don't have the time in my life to deal with those who want to bring me down. I remind myself that I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me/I love very much, a good mother who puts up with more than she should from me, and a farm that I have started/am running with my mother that is actually showing hope for doing pretty well.
Look for the good, not the bad!
Good luck


12 Years
Mar 19, 2009
I have some suggestions for you. I know of some books that will help you a LOT and give you some insight as to your situation and what you are going through. First of all, get the book, Toxic Parents. There is also one by the same author on emotional blackmailers. Get them both. They are available at I strongly suggest you also get the book, The Sociopath Next Door and maybe the book Without Conscience by Hale. These books are not all that expensive and they are worth every single penny. Order them all. You will thank me, I promise.


10 Years
Jun 20, 2009
Rigby, Idaho
thanks all. i guess i was right in cutting her out of my life . i am so tired of getting hurt by her, and its hurting the kids too! whats sad is my kids havent asked about her 1 time since this all happened.
shows i guess how much they notice, and btw they ask about grama nearly daily


11 Years
Mar 14, 2008
Front Royal, VA
We had to move away from my mother for similar reasons. It's much better to be a phone call away than a car ride away
It helped me deal with her without feeling guilty. I would say not to burn bridges, but do not instigate contact, let her come to you. Then, be prepared to accept her how she is, and limit your expectations. She is who/what she is, and nothing you say or do will change her. However, you should not, ever, feel guilty for the poor choices she makes in life. She is responsible for her own choices. You are an adult, a well rounded person who has good morals and a great character, don't let her get you down. I would only allow them on the surface of your life, maybe a phone call once in a while, no borrowing money, no family dinners or get togethers until you feel comfortable with their actions. Good luck!


Never enough coops...
10 Years
Feb 5, 2009
Monroe, WA
My Coop
My Coop

I believe you did the right thing. I think you will find much peace in your decision, and your kids are so much better off without having that type of behavior around them.

Be kind to yourself and I hope you feel better about your decision soon.
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9 Years
Apr 7, 2010
You have no reason to feel guilty. I am livid just reading your post! Your poor Grandma doesn't deserve to be abused like this. I hope that when you cut them from your life, that she will choose to do the same and cut them from her life as well.

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