--~The Story of my Flock and Their Adventure of Life~-- Ch. 2 is up!

Discussion in 'Games, Jokes, and Fun!' started by trainfullachickens14, Jan 26, 2012.

  1. You can find the characters in my signature except for Flora, the chick who only lasted 2 days. You can find recent pictures of each of them on my page.


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    "Hey, what is that thing?" I asked myself.
    The other chicks were backing off from the big pink thing that just entered the cage. They always called me the curious one, even though I was still in my egg only yesterday. I ran up to it to get a better look, and, to my surprise, it grabbed me! "Whoa!" I yelled as it took me out of the cage and held me up in the air in front of the even bigger thing it was attached to. "Yeah, that one." said some big voice, and I was put in this little box with a few other chicks. Eventually there were 10 of us in there, and I could tell that we were moving. We got into this big Grey box thing that made a sort-of rumbling sound. This human was holding the box with all of us in it. He looked at the others from time to time but, mostly, he looked at me. I thought "hmmm...maybe this is fate trying to tell me something..." I stopped to calm down one of the other chicks. I knew we were going somewhere; the question is, where?

    Don't hesitate to let me know what everyone thinks about this so far and if you want more.
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2012
  2. Really? No replies and only 10 views, 3 of which were me, in the first day. I guess I don't write good stories and people don't want more. =(
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2012
  3. OwlLover

    OwlLover Alaskan Wanderer

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    Aug 25, 2011
    Its good! I just found this thread today; it must've gotten drowned out by everything else.
     
  4. NixNoodleNumbat

    NixNoodleNumbat Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jan 1, 2011
    Australia
    Sorry. I was kind-of avoiding story threads because I knew I'd want to give heaps of support, and lately I have been struggling with time.
    A basic critique:
    This is a really nice, cute story so far. I want to see where it goes!
    You may not want to get more critique at this stage, but I will give it anyway:
    This is how I would've written it:
    "Hey, what is that thing?" I asked myself.
    The other chicks were backing off from the big pink thing that just entered the cage. They always called me the curious one, even though I was still in my egg until yesterday. I ran up to it to get a better look, and, to my surprie, it grabbed me.
    "Woah!" I yelled as it took me out of the cage and held me up in the air in front of the even bigger thing it was attached to.
    "Yeah, that one," said some big voice.
    I was put in this little box with a few other chicks. Eventually there were ten of us in there, and I could tell that we were moving. We got into this big grey box thing that made a rumbling sound. The human was holding the box with all of us in it. He looked at the others sometimes, but for the most part, he looked at me. I thought, maybe this is fate trying to tell me something. I stopped to calm down one of the other chicks. I knew we were going somewhere; the question was, where?

    I have also edited it for grammar, spelling and punctuation. However, I have edited it in Australian-English, so if there's something wrong, that's why.
    More stuff:
    Elipses(...'s) are generally not a good idea.
    Always have new new line for each person speaking
    Capitals for yelling is also not a good idea.
    Remember to keep within one tense
    Write the word rather than the numeral

    I can't find any problems with the writing itself, actually!

    IMHO.
     
  5. Thanks N.N.N. At least some people like it so far. I'll edit the first ch. a little and soon I'll put up #2 if I get some more views and more people want more. Mabye if it starts getting popular enough, I might even make a story fan club on the opening post or something like that.
     
  6. 2

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    So we were brought into this building and put into a large box. We were given food and water and the humans watched us all the time. They picked us up and cuddled us and did this and did that and all kinds of stuff. I started to get annoyed with all the attention we were getting, but then I realized it may not be such a bad thing. We got treats and the petting was nice; a few times I even fell asleep in the hands of one of the humans because it was so warm and comfy. Things were going good for a little while. But the 1st night we were there, something didn't look right with Flora, one of the EE's...
     

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