Urrrgggg........... Honestly, I hope things get better!!

[CochinBrahmaLover]

So, me ad my mom have been 'butting heads' since I was like, 10! Ya ya ' It the puberty ' well those people shut up. No its not, as far as I know.For example, I LOOOOOVE sugar, and my mom, instead of say ' you cannot have that' and take it away, she just sits there and sighs "Oh, you've already gone over your sugar limit but who cares" and shes been doing stff like that. Sure. maybe i got a weee bit...err.... moody, and so suddenly she gave up on me ! Which really...makes me mad, cause, well heres the story.
My mom was on a diet, and needed me and my sisters help to keep her on track. We did for a while, but the i got a little moody one day, and said "I dont care what you eat eat whatever" so she said "Your giving up on me?" and i replied "Sure whatever" !!! Okay, ya harsh. But she started to CRY, ( i find crying..... wel i hate crying. I will explain more later) so i apologized and said i would help again... But they way she acts, she might as well say shes given up on me!!! I love BYC, but she always says " Oh shes with her online friends who she likes more then us" in a sighing voice. I'll admit it, I DO like you guys more then most people. Not more then my mom & sis, but more then anyone. I have never told her how thereputic this has been, honestly, i haven't had my .... Well, big step for me.... Suicidal thoughts ever since I joined (hardest line i have EVER written) But lately we have butted heads soo much they have returned. I'm tearing up as I type. You see, instead of most people who let out their emotions, i suck it all in. The insults, all of it. So i don't cry except like once a month in the dead of night into my dogs fur. Or I'll lash out in anger (my moods). And NO ONE has ever known this until now. To be honest, tho i seem thick skinned, I'm actually pretty thin skinned. I just want someone who actually cares, anyone, to say a thing. Even if its hugs, if you have advice, lay it on me! Anything is better then thinking over and over again what would happen when I dug this knife into my throat..... Or run away. Anyone here can guess why i dont run away? Because of Jenna. Jenna is my Best friend, and I love her so much. In a friend way, but honestly I cannot describe to her even how much I could not survie without her. If she wasn't here, ya I would be gone. I would run off into the forest, hoping I was never seen again. I'm pathetic, I don't stay for my mom, or sister, or even my DAD! I stay for my best friend.... Although it seems like I'm letting it out, some of its still bottled. But I guess I can't describe the pain....

Any other suicidal thought people? How do you cope?


I may end up editing this, and deleting this post... But who knows.... (might edit out the suicidal parts, and if i do, please do so to your posts)

 

[Fierlin1182]

Cochin, sounds like you're going through a pretty tough time. You're not alone, I used to think similarly that things would never get better. It's a pretty harsh place to be in, and sometimes my parents would just seem to make it worse. My father especially would always be throwing insults at me, but now that I think about it I realise that part of it was probably me just being stubborn and he didn't know what else to do. I don't know the whole story about your relationship with your mom, but I found that when I made the effort to be harmonious with my parents, even if they had a bit of a spaz out some time, and who doesn't, I certainly have had my moments, I know that I've done the right thing and I can feel better about that. Perhaps you could try talking to your mother? I never used to talk to mine about anything, but ever since I made the effort to hold conversation she's actually said some things that give me somewhat of a look at things from her perspective.

Anywho, I used to think about running away all the time too, although I never could summon up the guts to try it. Back then we'd just moved to Australia so I had no friends either, which was a bit of a bummer. You are very lucky to have the bestie that you talk about. I don't know what I'd do without my buddies now!
What do you want to do when you're older? I found what really helped when the going got tough was having a dream. My life got about a zillion times better when I discovered that I had a passion for something, and it kinda gives you something to go towards. What seem like corny movies and songs are pretty awesome to watch/listen to as well. You know those movies that have a message of never giving up, and making a change? Especially kiddy movies, they sometimes have the best messages of all, even though I never appreciated them before

It's very brave of you to write what you did. You should talk to someone... gee, anyone who can help you really if you're thinking thoughts like that. The BYC folk are always here if you need to talk!

Anyway, here's another hug for you Sorry about the tediously long post, but I do hope things start looking up for you soon, coz it's never fun being sad!

 

[CochinBrahmaLover]

Thanks Fierlin, you've always been a good nightitme buddy

Sounds like it was bad when you were younger too

I know about the dad thing. But my dad doesnt Insult me, but hes like a big kid.. Never knows to be serious which just adds to it. Talking? AT all? Let alone to my Mother????

Wow ,that gave me a good chuckle. Nah, Its like when i say I'm gonna talk to my grandma about how she likes my sister more then me... Easier said then done, and even so, i cant even say it! LOL! The only reason I can post on here is because... I trust you guys i guess..

Ah, if I didn't have Jenna I would run away. Would take me a while, with secret packing, but I bet I would've done it. Might do it, but still doubt it xD. My bestie lives in NC tho, and I rarely get to talk to her, but shes on BYC!!

My dream, breed exoctic rare animals that need saving. Always thought about, cause it involves some vet smarts, but I don't have to guts to be an actual vet. Hehe. Ya, thats why I love my chickens soo much. There my place to escape and think about my dream. Often if I can, I day dream about it to escape all the drama and stress. Ah, the kiddy movies. not the biggest fan but, Spirit is my fave

. And I couldn't live without songs...just couldn't... But what really keeps me going is when I dream of being an eagle, and flying away..Free.

This is why I posted it. I started off posting it about my mom hating me, but i knew it wasn't true and couldnt post it. Then it turned into...those thoughts.... i am talking to someone, you!

Its hard for me to say things, even if its just something like "I don't want to though" because, well I don't know. Could be why I'm a bit of a firecracker

Thanks for 'de hug

Your a good friend

Nah, don't mind the long posts. Keep me entertained

 

[Fierlin1182]

Yes, the wee hours bring weird things out of me, I don't think I would've written such a long ramble if it was the middle of the day!
Anyway, the move was pretty hard on me, especially as I was never a gun for making friends. But I got there eventually! Things change, usually for the better especially when you're still young. There's a lot of awesome stuff in store
Oh well I understand about not being able to talk to your mom. Even now, I don't think I could have a "deep and meaningful" with my father, even though we're not at each others' throats anymore.

That's a pretty cool dream. I don't talk much about my aspirations because they're not exactly groundbreaking or world changing like yours could potentially be, and good on you!! But I think the most important thing is having a goal at all. And where would one be in life without day dreaming? Not only gets you through hard times but also through boring lectures too... You know, that somewhere at the end of all the warbling on comes the result that all your hard work goes towards, woot.

Saying a lot of things is never easy. But hey, you did it!
Thank you.

 

[CochinBrahmaLover]

Ya i know... I love the night, how come daytime has to spoil it? I mean, at night you can ramble and ramble, but at night, we can type and type!

Me and my dad get along well, we don't have a special bond, but we still get along well. Just hes like a big brother!!

Ya, I don't really have any special bonds with either of my parents. How come parents are so ... unbondable? Or is it just ours?

Yeah, but I don't see it affecting the world much. I would probably just end up getting like 2 rare breeds to focus on or something, if anything. My dream life thats more realistic, is having a whole farm and stuff. Whats your dream? You are totally right! Whenever my teacher reads Lord Of The Rings to us, my mind wanders, and when ever hes teacher math (bad since i suck at math...wodner why...

) i have day dreams and have to snap back to reality

No wonder i got a C in math!

Thanks

Your really helping, like i said. Your a great friend, if you weren't here I would've gone to bed, but now I get to talk things out without having to wait for people I hardly know and be all uncomfortable, but now I get to talk to a friend

 

[Fierlin1182]

Having a big brother would be kind of cool though, I've always thought it would be nice to have one to look after you!
I think it might only be our parents, I know plenty of people who are really close to their folks. I'm on a lot better terms with them both now than I used to be, so who knows. Life is a surprising thing.

Well, those could be two rare breeds that you help to save from extinction!
My dream is in a totally different hemisphere, I think it would kind of kill the mood a bit
My mind wanders during english and geography. I usually end up doing my assignments for the other subject during those classes, lol. I'm ok at maths, but you should've seen the marks I pulled for last year's english exam o-o Everyone's good at something. You said you were good at science? Awesome.

No problem. Glad to be here.
Although even a hug from strangers I find helps in a time of need.

 

[CochinBrahmaLover]

Ya, but hes like an immature big brother. Ya, but I also know a kid who's father abuses her.

He has gone to jail for child abuse

Hmm... Hopefully I'll get closer to them soon! It would help!

Lol, I suppose. I might end up eating 'em tho

I learned strange animals taste good

Oh come on, what is it? I don't mind, it makes it interesting! Lol !! I wish I could

But our teacher has to 'check our work'

I'm just glad I don't have middle school math yet! Gotta wait till I head back to school for that! When did I say I was good at science

I mean, I am, but when did I ? LOL

Ya, Its wonderful, for all I know your an 87 year old cannibal, but its amazing how nice cannibals can be

Ya, friends are best

And even if the hugs are from strangers, you know they took the 2 seconds to put that hugs, which means they care, even if its a little bit

 

[RPer98]

Cochin, I'm sooo sorry you feel like this.

But to be honest, I used to think about suicide when I lived with my mom. My mom couldn't care less about me, she used to beat me with a horse whip. The only thing that kept me from killing myself was my animals and my dad (I don't have a BFF.), because mom would have gotten rid of or killed my animals and dad would been willing to kill himself if I had. My dad is the most important person in my life right now, and if he wasn't around...I would have been dead years ago.

I have never gotten along with my mom, we've been at each other's throats for as long as I can remember. But I could never stand up to her cause: 1) She would beat me. 2) She scared the livin' daylights outta me!!!!

I have a special bond with my dad because he was the one who helped me get through life, I can't survive without him.



Well Cochin, I hope it gets better soon for you!!

 

[CochinBrahmaLover]

Oh my gosh, RPer, I never knew... I knew your mom was.. err... phsyco, but i feel so bad for you...

Dads are great, even if they seem like older brothers. So happy you didn't, because I got a great friend outtta it

Thanks a lot, and glad to know I'm not the only one!

 

[RPer98]

Well, ya...I've never really told anyone about that...

Meh, my dad is like a big kid, yet he knows when to be serious. I'm glad that you didn't too, 'cause I gotta great friend as well!

No prob, Cochin.