Venting why would a woman stay with an abuser when she has a way out??

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by ShaggysGirl, Jan 8, 2010.

  1. ShaggysGirl

    ShaggysGirl Chillin' With My Peeps

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    May 24, 2009
    Temperance, MI
    Hey Guys,
    I am so disappointed in my SD (stepdaughter) she is 30 years old has three beautiful children 5, 3 and 18 months. The 6 years she has been with her babies dad ( not married but that us between them) he has been mentally and physically abusive to her. Only one time do I recall him saying something nice about her. He always degrades her. She is now a RN as of Dec 08 and started working as a RN June of 09. During her 4 years of schooling this man did not work..... in a legal way anyways. When she got her school loans she'd give him the money and she had a car accident in which she gave him a lot of money from. But he still said she never contributed to anything in the house. He did in fact buy most everything there with his ill gotten money. But he wouldn't even buy her underpants when she needed them.

    A little over two years ago or so after he abused her once again ( we are sure there has been many times.) she came to us we moved her into a empty modular home and told her she could stay for free and we'd watch the kids free as long as she was in school or working. After two weeks she went back to him.

    Two days before she found out for sure she was pregnant with the third child she called us saying she was afraid to go home as she had failed a class and had to retake it and she thought he might beat her up again. then two days later "he" called us wanting us to pay for part of a wedding since she was pregnant again. Well DH said no since he couldn't condone them getting married kids or not they are toxic and shouldn't be together.

    So now fast forwarding to a few months ago till now. He beat her so bad she said she couldn't think strait for a few days. He tore up her car which we paid over 8000.00 for and he gave us 1000 for it. so since he "paid" for it he could tear it up. He took a trash can and beat it. On another day he ripped the plugs out and the distributer cap and stood on the engine kicking it. He threw a brick threw the window glass almost spraying on her and the oldest child. He threw the microwave broke the stove, refrigerator, washer and dryer. All this he did while these innocent babies were watching!! That car is currently trash as it ran out of oil on the freeway, so she had to buy a new used car to get to work with.

    He told her in front of the kids that it was a package deal and if she didnt take him back he wasn't their dad anymore!! He left us voice mails saying nasty stuff... which we saved. He told her if she put a PPO on him he'd kill her parents and anyone she loved. Said if she dated anyone he'd kill them. At this point we called the cops and filed a report in MI they live in OH, two days later DH took her to the police station to put a report and a TPO on him. The district attorney told he not to talk with him ata ll, as soon as they left there she answered his call and told him not to come to the house as there was a TPO!!

    Then she told us his sister reported her for fraud to welfare and to the IRS... supposedly he forced her to lie on tax papers and to welfare. And she even drug her dad in it by telling welfare her house was his and she rented it from him. Now my DH is like the most honest man in the world and told her he would not lie for he if they asked him. She was not raised to be a liar but she is doing a great job of it.

    He had a GF ( we all figured he did anyways since he was always out and she found condumes in his wallet. ) a younger girl and we were told she might be pregnant, but she wasn't... I wish she was as that may of kept him from her a bit more. Although I would not wish this sorry excuse for a man on anyone, he has abused all the women he has been with his whole life. His Mom was abused by his dad so the circle continues I guess. DSD played around with a guy at work and he found out and then threatened that guy by text and phone calls saying he'd kill him. Back to his Mom for one minute she wants to kick my butt because I denied her in my facebook...lol I forget what grade are we in?

    We have been watching the three kids while she works and told her we would continue to watch them while she works but not if she was going to go out partying. She thinks she is 20 instead of 30 and with three kids. wanting to go out and party... I am sorry when you have kids they are your priority not going out.

    MY 3yr GD tells me how Daddy is mean and hurts mommy and how he has to get a new home since he is so mean. They have asked if Dzia Dzia( Grandpa) is gonna be mean too. They think all men are that way!

    This last Monday when she dropped off the kids at 5 am we asked about her phone. She said He showed up they fought and the phone was broke. That night she had a new phone... he bought for her and brought to her work. Then She tells us he had no where to go so he is staying in the spare room! Yesterday he took her out and of course she says he is treating her so good and realizes what he lost yadda yadda yadda.

    What is the Good Lords name is it going to take?? someone to get killed? Maybe one of her kids to get cough in the cross fire when things are flying across the room and they wind up in the hospital?? I swear if we had a bigger house ( only a 2br) I'd call and try to get custody of those kids as they deserve so much better than to grow up like that.

    DH and I first told each other we would not watch the kids if she went back with him. But now we are rethinking that. If we keep watching them even though it is a inconvenience we will know they are well cared for during that time. At times they have a man in his 30's watching them and I am sorry that is weird I would not trust a man in his 30's to watch two little girls and a little boy. Then they have a girl watch them at times and this girl doesn't even brush the girls hair before they go to head start.

    On one hand we'd love to tell SD she is on her own she is a grown woman and we are tired of losing sleep thinking about it and worrying about them on the other we know abusers try to separate the abused from their family and we do want to be there for the grandkids. They deserve so much more.

    Sorry this was so long.. the mods may even delete it as I know the topic is touchy.

    Please keep our grand babies in your prayers and DSD so she opens her eyes.

    Rhonda
     
  2. Boyd

    Boyd Recipient of The Biff Twang

    Mar 14, 2009
    MI
    PM sent
     
  3. Wifezilla

    Wifezilla Positively Ducky

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    Colorado
    At this point, it isn't about the step daughter. It is about those kids. If they are in an abusive home this cycle will continue.
     
  4. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits... Premium Member

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    May 19, 2008
    Western MA
    Well...you may not like what i have to say..but..
    She sounds like she enjoys it... sorry
    she has had MANY times/chances to get help AND to get away from him.. (where SO many women dont have ANY help..)
    So..there is no excuse for her to be staying, other than she likes what she has now..

    I would call DCF and make a report to them about your concerns...
    at least you may help the children get out of that horrible life..
    I have seen first hand what living in that enviroment can AND WILL do to a child... you would not believe the mental damage it does..would not believe how it will affect them their whole lives...
    not good...if you want to give those kids a chance..get them OUT ...
    And let her stay and get beat... its her problem, really. (sorry..) Shes an adult that has had chances to get help... shes also an adult that lets her children be abused because shes to selfish to do the right thing for them..shes putting HER needs before the needs of her children....i have no sympathy for women like that. I say he should hit her again.. (again..sorry...)
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2010
  5. debilorrah

    debilorrah The Great Guru of Yap Premium Member

    Abused women don't like it. They feel trapped, threatened and fearful. If someone who punches you around threatens to hurt your family, you believe them. And many times they have followed through with threats. Women in those situations do not feel that they have a chance to get out. They feel trapped and eventually feel they deserve it.
     
  6. Poulets De Cajun

    Poulets De Cajun Overrun With Chickens

    If there was an answer for this... I wouldn't have a job.
     
  7. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits... Premium Member

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    May 19, 2008
    Western MA
    No she HAS a way out..(where MOST women dont have a way out.. and i CAN understand how they can feel trapped...)
    she has a GOOD career to support herself and her children...
    no excuse..none!
    when you become a parent..your kids come first..
    shes a RN..shes smart enough to KNOW the laws..she knows that she has MANY avenues for help and protection...she is choosing to stay and party and get beat.. and let her children see it...
    AND i bet hes put his hands on them too..
    or at least verbally abused them..which can be just as bad/damaging to a child.
     
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2010
  8. Boyd

    Boyd Recipient of The Biff Twang

    Mar 14, 2009
    MI
    R - Thanks for listening. Feel free to call anytime. I feel for you and your situation.
     
  9. ShaggysGirl

    ShaggysGirl Chillin' With My Peeps

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    May 24, 2009
    Temperance, MI
    Quote:Thanks Boyd I appreciate what you told us.
     
  10. duck walk

    duck walk Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Jun 13, 2009
    white springs, fl
    like Dr. Phil would say, someone needs to be a hero in that situation and do anything and everything to protect the children...get them the h*** out of it...
     

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