Very upset with teen drama and other mom concerning dating - long post

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11 Years
Dec 3, 2008
Tulia, Texas
OK guys - not sure what to do in this situation. Warning - this is a long post! NEED ADVICE!!!

Our daughter is approaching the age of 16. Great kid - kinda a nerdy type who's always been great, A's, involved in basketball, track, tennis, 4H, band and lots of stuff. Very pretty and a great personality. One of those "perfect" kids - we have so much fun with her and our other three. Anyway - Last year we transferred back to our hometown school due to driving issues (30 miles one way) and that sort; she started her freshman year and off we went. Around Christmas started getting weekly phone calls from concerned principal over PDA; it was excessive and completely out of character for her. It was more than a little kissing. Detentions were given as well as a week of ISS. Behaviour continued and we continued to punish. I'll let you read the story below. This week, boy was caught drinking on bus to football game and is now suspended. Rumors were flying and I called mom directly - I had emailed her before and gotten no response which irked me to no end because we are very proactive parents. Strict, no nonsense and the school is working with us in every way imaginable. Talked to mom for the first time on the phone tonight and wow, we parent very differently. She took the my son is holier than thou and you really need to talk to your poor abused daughter approach. She has no idea where his drinking came from, that is just not him and never mind that he is on probabation for marijuana from last year and aep for fighting. He's a good good boy and never lies to her. The AEP was not his fault because he was picked on while they were picking up trash and they kept throwing trash onto him. Basically, we're bad parents and the school's out to get her son because they are ministers and their son is at church or home, no exceptions. Also, she told me that the school never called her over this and she felt I was making up lies about her son. That she ministered to my daughter after finding provocative texts on her son's phone, and that my daughter just cried. She also told me it was illegal for me to talk to her son even though he intiated the conversation. I posted below what was emailed to her and him. But, its ok for her to talk to my daughter? Ok. She cried because she's acting in a way that is not her and the coaches, teachers, principals and other officials have pulled her out of class time and again when they were caught with PDA and talked with her, about her goals, etc because she is in the top 10 of her class. I just am at my wits end! She also said that the email was very ugly and she showed it to all of her friends and they just couldn't believe that I would write about how much better I am than they are - wow. I don't think that was in the emails at all but I'll let you guys decide.

Here's the emails - please pray for us and let me know what to do! I am just so tired. The top one is the one sent to the mom with the bottom one attached to it that I sent to the kid after he continued to text me calling me a racist and telling me I had better respect his culture; that in his culture he was above me and didn't need my permission to date my daughter. *sigh


This is from before the inappropriate texts were starting up again before school this fall. He was texting daughter and I answered after she hid her phone - I explained to him that she is not allowed to date and I didn't like the way he handled himself with her or the nature of his texts. He got very ugly and irate in his messages, but I think after talking that we understood each other and our reasoning a little better. I don't have a printout of the texts as we cancelled her phone account. I explained to him the reasons why they are not allowed to date. He did write a nice apology letter to DH, which we greatly appreciated. I did not know however when I wrote this back to him that they had ditched school to be with each other. I was under the impression that it was merely what had happened at grandmothers, lunch, on the band bus and between classes. The band teacher also shared that she had missed a few practices last year also - he didn't elaborate if your son did or not. I didn't share with him the entire situation as its rather embarrassing to have my daughter in this position.

Daughter assures me that they are absolutely no longer dating and that they are only friends. I can only hope so. The thought that they were all over school doing very inappropriate things more than upsets DH and I. I am very, very disappointed in the both of them. I am sure that you understand. The coach was very delicate with DH but apparently they had been caught in a compromising position, more than once. Daughter swears to me that they have not had sex; we can only hope and pray because she is not on any form of bc and I just can't digest right now the implications of her actions.

Please understand that DH and I are trying to handle this the best way that we can. I understand your anger, right now I am very very angry and upset also. I trusted that daughter was where she was supposed to be and with who she was supposed to be with. We are handling it on our end, and although the ditching school happened last year, we have pulled her from band permanently as punishment. Its just too big of a mess up to not have consequences - and we told her if we heard one more thing we were going to start pulling activities and eventually, if it came to it, homeschool. I have heard rumors that they are still together, but there comes a point where I just have to pick through and decide what to do. Again, she swears they are no longer together.

I hope this answers any questions that you had. I do wish we could have spoken on better circumstances! Boy seems like a great kid and has a lot of potential - I really think that these kids think this is the way they are supposed to act because it is what their peers are doing. Like a teacher told me tonight - one girl who's a freshman has a kid and is already pregnant again. Her goal is to have one each year of high school. She told me that these girls think its wonderful to have kids in high school, and honestly, what boy turns down what's being thrown at him? daughter comes home and tells me which new girl is pregnant just about every week. It scares me literally to pieces. Unfortunately there are few consequences anymore to having kids in high school.

Again, I hope that we can work all of this out. They are both great kids and hopefully we can head them down a good path -

----- Original Message -----

Sent: Monday, August 24, 2009 10:29 PM
Subject: Re:

Boy -

The fact that you continue to question an adult speaks volumes. And we all know what assuming gets you.

daughter obviously comes from a much classier family than your previous girlfriends. I know from speaking with other parents they also require the boy asking the girl's father if he can take her out for a coke, movie, etc. Also, like many of my friends, children who are dating are supervised at all times and not allowed to be alone with one another. You two were alone several times at your grandmothers - hence the rumors that daughter is no longer virtuous. Boys who act in any other way than absolutely in the best interest of a young lady must also answer to her father. He must introduce himself and act respectfully at all times, whether eyes are upon him or not. Its a great responsibility to be a young man. You alone are in charge of a young woman's virtue. You obviously failed with my daughter -- her reputation is now beyond ruined and she will be lucky if a respectable young man will be allowed to date her because of his parents opinion of our daughter. And, this is important, even if the parents values are not yours, you must respect them. I do not care in the least that you were not raised in this manner. If you want to date someone like daughter, you will have to respect her culture and her values. She told me several times that one of your cousins (friend? I think) threatened to hit her to make her "conform" to what a woman is supposed to act like. As a parent, you can obviously understand my horror. daughter also shared that you, and your two cousins, would go and smoke weed at your grandmothers. You shielded her from it when they asked her to join, and for that I thank you.

You continually trashed our family, our values, our religion and played the lowest card of all - race. Blaming your race as a reason that you were not allowed to date our daughter is unacceptable. Your actions towards us and towards our daughter is the reason you are not allowed to date, period. Yes, she was told to find someone with values similar to hers. Preferably someone Catholic. She was told these things because we view dating as a precursor to marriage, practice you might say. The thought that she might have shared something that is only reserved for her husband is an abomination. Its not fair to her future husband, nor to her. Its something she can never get back and to waste it on someone who does not have her best interest at heart is horrible.

Unfortunately, I am not your parent and I cannot make you understand that to question an adults decision is beyond disrespectful. Its not your decision, and for some reason you think that you are allowed to question our decision. Its been made and if daughter chooses not to respect our decision, she has consequences to pay. She fully understands her actions and what will happen. They are not nice consequences either, as she has already lost her phone, her car and her drivers license because of this episode. She made a promise to me, and you are only as good as your word. She has been taught to be responsible and respectful - and she knows that she has much potential and a long, happy life awaiting her filled with promise. If she continues down this path, as I told you last night, it will end very hard for the both of you. The cards are against you two, so to speak. Both sets of parents had children very young. Statistics show history repeats itself. Fortunately for daughter, she has two parents who treasure her and love her dearly. We are unwilling to let this relationship continue to the destruction of both of your lives. Your texts from before are proof of this - they are more than a little inappropriate and telling a young girl to leave her parents and stay with you is completely out of line.

We are done with this. daughter is not allowed to date you, period. I am tired of the phone calls from school, the iss and her general lack of ambition that was present while you were together. I am tired of the rumors, the lying and the sneaking behind our backs. The absolute disrespect that you have shown us is beyond me. When I spoke with your grandmother last night, she informed me that you have also been warned not to date daughter because of the same reasons. She told me that you were punished and had your phone taken away because of the nature of the texts. We've been through this - we know the signs. High school is meant to be a time of great joy - dating is fun but not everything. There is so, so much more to do!

I am forwarding this on to daughters father. If you have any more questions, ask him. I am done with a child questioning an adults decision. Its made and you must respect it.
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Monday, August 24, 2009 5:49 PM

what did u mean by gall? the two girls i dated never said i needed permission so i assumed (daughter) was the same
Young love is a hard thing to break and sometimes the harder you push the two away, the closer that they will emotionally bond.

I am still working my way through the emails. I agree with some of what you wrote, especially in the first note, but the second one concerns me.

I don't agree with this comment of yours. You alone are in charge of a young woman's virtue He is partly responsible for her reputation but virtue is the individuality to maintain. I would ask the principle why he didn't call the other parents. Were they lying?

You obviously failed with my daughter -- her reputation is now beyond ruined and she will be lucky if a respectable young man will be allowed to date her because of his parents opinion of our daughter. And, this is important, even if the parents values are not yours, you must respect them. I do not care in the least that you were not raised in this manner.

Why would your daughter want to date a guy who is going to hold a mistake from her adolescence against her? That doesn't sound like a very respectable or honorable young man. I have to ask why you would want her to date such a guy in the first place?

If your daughter has had sex then, as Christians, we believe that she can get forgiveness and start fresh. Of course, strong emotions can get wrapped up in sex. SHe might very well think that she is in love.

This type of attitude could cause you to over react in an attempt to protect your daughter. I am NOT saying that you are overreacting about this particular boy, but to believe that your daughter won't every date a nice boy because of rumors is a little bit extreme. Hopefully, that doesn't anger you but gives you comfort.

If your daughter is determined to see this young man then your best bet might be to allow them to see one another under your supervision. Take him to church with you. Explain your faith when he ask questions. Don't allow them to be alone. I wouldn't give your daughter any privledges back. Keep the cell phone until she proves herself again. I say this because sometimes pushing kids apart can create a Romeo and Juliet type of relationship. At least if you allow them to see each other, you can put requirements on your daughter as to how she has to behave-good grades etc.- to see him.

I don't know if I would take her out of band because that just gives her more time to think about him. If anything, I would get her involved in more activities, just to keep her busy.
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I can't help but point out you're stirring up a perfect recipe for creating a resentful, secretive daughter well versed in sneaking out and lying.
Sometimes the hardest thing for a parent to do is to see their kids heading for a mistake and to let go a little.

I think it is very, very difficult for a parent to be able to overcome the intensity of young love.

I think that the mother is accidentally creating a Romeo/Juliet situation in these young people's mind.
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To the Op: I am sending you this
and prayers. I know that this is a difficult situation for you.
Sometimes the hardest thing for a parent to do is to see their kids heading for a mistake and to let go a little.

I think it is very, very difficult for a parent to be able to overcome the intensity of young love.

I think that the mother is accidentally creating a Romeo/Juliet situation in these young people's mind.

it seems like in your reply that you are putting all the blame on him.
if she is still not doing as you wish, yank her butt out of school and home school her for the rest of the year and make sure she doesnt leave the house. make her call this boy with you there and tell him to never contact her again.
The problem is that in this situation, the girl has possibly already formed a very strong attachment. So, homeschooling will keep them apart at school but they can still sneak out to be together.

Sometimes the best solution for young love, like the flu, is to let it run its course under the parents' supervision.
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thats when you call the police if you notice that shes snuck out or find her and embarrass her to no end. if shes breaking the rules, then she has lost the right to date, in my opinion.
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