We dont know what to do... Please pray for friend

Discussion in 'Family Life - Stories, Pictures & Updates' started by Squishy, Apr 2, 2011.

  1. Squishy

    Squishy Chillin' With My Peeps

    Feb 2, 2011
    We, Mom & I, REALLY need you prayers, support, and advice on what to do for Moms dearest dearest friend. Im posting with Moms permission, cause she is very upset right now, feeling helpless for someone she wants to help so much. Mom, as you may know, is from Australia... For quite some time she has been part of the Mates Up Over forum, for Aussies living in the US... And she met her bestest, closest friend on there. They are so much alike, let me tell ya, when I first met Natalie she talked, sounded, and thought just like my memories of my Mum when I was growing up. Last month, thereabouts, Mom had been conversing with Natalie and she had been having a hard time in her marriage. She met an american guy and came over here to marry him last year, along with her 15 yr old daughter who has Down Syndrome.. leaving her family and her great career and her older son to finish his schooling back in Aus.
    After moving here, getting married, and spending all her savings on improvements to his condo... Their marriage began to turn sour.. he was talking with and seeing other women and became aggressive with her. So that brings us back to the phone call about a month ago, he was being abusive and decided to kick her out of the house... so my Mom drove down in the middle of the night to get her and she stayed here while we were all trying to figure out a way to get her and her daughter flights back home. So we were actually having such a great time down here.. we spent almost all day everyday together, telling jokes, laughing, cooking and having fun. Went to the local State fair and saw the poultry exhibition, the horse show, the pigs, the camels [​IMG], the goats.. and Nat was an outback farmgirl back home, so she was kinda obsessed with the different kinds of goats LOL.. even one dwarf somethin or other that had 4 little kids!!!
    Then she gets into a huge long conversation with hubbie.. decides to go back to him, and we took her down to the greyhound station that day, sad, but knowing we couldn't make her decisions for her. Knew there would be trouble ahead though.
    So things were Ok for a while it seems, despite the jerk having hiden the computer, smashed some of her stuff, and ect.... but she liked to keep telling us how wonderful things were... Then I spose the last few days the situation got much, much worse, and today she called my mom to tell her about an incident, where he hurt her.. she ended up on the floor I suppose, and then he went around screeching that she had gotten glass in his eye.. though shed only been trying to clean it up... well of course Mom was really worried.. and kept in contact... Natalie called her about, oh 5pm or so... telling her he had been drinking Brandy all day and screeching at her daughter, Nique, who has down syndrome... but shes such a brave girl! She absolutely hates that guy and she was yelling right back at him! Proud of her! Mom her much of this going on in the background, then the hubbie grabs the phone from Nat and demands to know who it is ect (you can imagine the convo from there) and hangs up on Mom.... So Mom was really upset, and I was too, becuase now for all we know she was getting hurt... or even poor Nique, and Natalie had no way to call for help if he had her phone. So I said, Mom, you know her address, call the cops for her... At least they can check on things, and you cant get down there right now (car is in shop still). So Mom called the cops.. a while goes by.. then she gets the first call from the hubbie, being an *expletive* calling her names, and yada yada dont call my house again (despite it being Nats phone)... then the cops call.. then Natalie... and round and round it went. The cops were forcing Natalie to leave the house, with her daughter, wouldnt get her her phone back... no consideration that she was in the US with no money, no relatives ect. So Mom was trying to explain all this to the cops, trying to get her a hotel for the night, even just a darn cab ride to a hotel so they could figure it out from there... feeling completely helpless because she has no car to go down and rescue her friend. The cops basically, I suppose (?) took her to the local Publix and figured she could recieve a Western union from there.. So moms online, o the phone with Nat, trying to send her a western union payment.. and the thing was being so difficult! Then Natalie says, Oh, Western Union is closed... So I was in the background with mom (who was getting almost hysterical with fustration and almost crying.. I could hear the tears) and suddenly Natalie is telling her she wants to go back... back to hubbie. Like what??! One minute she was all ready to hop on a greyhound bus first thing in the morning (greyhound didn't have any buses today!?!)... and the next shes ready to go back (and drag her poor daughter with her) to this awful situation.. and obviously things were not A-OK at the house when the cops made her leave... so I.. finally getting fed up trying to help from the background... after trying to let mom work it out with Natalie hersef since they are closer and closer in age....but I thought that might be a help too, because I wasn't close to tears or pulling my hair out... So I ask for the phone from Mom.. and I say Nat... we just want to help you here.. we are so close to getting you a hotel room for the night.. whatever you decide to do, you need time to decide it and not while you are upset and you have had a traumatic day (something to this extent).. so just let mom get you a hotel room for the night.. have some time to relax, and think on it, let Nique relax too.. and get some sleep before you make any decisions... and shes saying "I think Im just going to go back" and I was like.. to the guy who spent the day yelling at your daughter.. hitting you, and just tossed you out of the house? and she was saying "Oh but Ill just call my mom and shell get me a ticket" and I was saying, How? When he wont let you keep a hold of your phone and the police had to demand it back for you? So on the conversation went... and finally I said OK.. It really is your decision.. but I feel like you, mom, and I are all going around in circles, so just tell me yes or no, have you decided you are going back to him tonight? And she said "Yes thats what I've decided"... and I said "OK.. hun.. you know I love you... I really do... but you dont know what you're doing to my mom... if you're not going to let her help you, if you're not going to let me help you, if you're not going to help your daughter... then please dont talk to my mom again until your back safely in Australia.. She cant handle this.. Not if you wont let her help" and then I handed the phne back to Mom and they ended the conversation on some kind, talk to you later I suppose.
    So guys... I dont know if I did the right thing or not. Mom doesent know what to do. Theres really nothing to do I suppose. Bt we both love this lady and her daughter... We'd really appreciate your prayers for them tonight, that they stay safe, and they manage to get back to Australia.
    Thank you
  2. ChooksinChoppers

    ChooksinChoppers Chillin' With My Peeps

    Mar 24, 2011
    Ocala, Florida.
    Thanks all...I appreciate all prayers in this situation...I asked becky /squishy to post cause I was a mess with all this going on....she is such a dear [​IMG]
    I want my freind here with us until she can go back to aus ...this is so hard
  3. redhen

    redhen Kiss My Grits... Premium Member

    May 19, 2008
    Western MA
    It sounds like she wants to stay there... (and as shes an adult, its her choice... even though it kills you to see it!.[​IMG]..)
    Who i REALLY feel for? The poor innocent daughther that has no say to stay in an abusive household...
    I mean, if the mom wants to stay and get slammed around, its her choice. BUT to put your mentally handicapped child through that??
    Yeah... i better stop right now before i say what i really want to...
    Actually, the state needs to step in and remove her daughter from that situation... i HOPE the cops filed a report for the welfare of that kid since noone else will do it... [​IMG]
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2011
  4. debilorrah

    debilorrah The Great Guru of Yap Premium Member

    Quote:She is currently stuck in a cycle and has more than likely been threatened with her and her childs life if she doesn't come back. Someone who has experience with women and abuse needs to talk to her and talk to her soon.
  5. BrattishTaz

    BrattishTaz Roo Magnet

    Jan 8, 2011
    Tampa Area, Florida
    I'm so sorry that you all are going through this. It does sound like you have done all you can at this point. Leaving him has to be her decision, you can't force her into anything. My concern is mostly with the daughter who clearly needs someone to step in and remove her from the situation. I don't think your friend is in a position to protect her from this abusive man. I would probably notify the police that the child has been returned to the home even if my friend would be angry with me. Beyond that all you can do is hope your friend comes to her senses before it is too late.

    [​IMG] Good luck to all of you. [​IMG]
  6. WriterofWords

    WriterofWords Has Fainting Chickens

    Dec 25, 2007
    Chaparral, New Mexico
    You can't help her until she is ready for and wants the help. It's a vicious cycle that is hard to get away from and especially being in a strange country. It will take something very bad to make her see the light, and it won't come from you, it will come from her situation. You can wait in the wings, but you and your mom need to back out of it and let it happen. As long as she keeps running and returning, it will only get worse for her when she is there. When there is no one to come running and get her she will have to face her situation right then, and right there, not later after she calms down and decides it wasn't really that bad, or she blew it out of proportion. Then and only then, will she realize that if not for her sake, for her daughter's, she has to get out before he seriously injures or kills one of them. Next time she call tell her something along these lines: "I'm sorry, your situation is horrible but I've tried to help you and you go back every time. I won't come get you this time unless I am taking you straight to the airport, and not a motel where you can calm down and change your mind. Please think of your daughter and what this abuse is doing to her. When you are ready to leave him for good, call me." The hard part? Sticking to it. Been there done that, and it's the only way that works, enabling her doesn't help her or her daughter and it will cause you more heartache in the end.

    ETA: Please call CPS and get that child out of there. Mom is adult and can decide for herself, a developmentally disabled child has to have someone who cares enough to rescue her and YES it is better for her to be in the state's custody or foster care than where she is now.
    Last edited: Apr 2, 2011
  7. Momagain1

    Momagain1 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Feb 13, 2011
    Central IL
    ok; coming from someone who has been there; done that...

    NO ONE CAN HELP HER UNTIL SHE HITS ROCK BOTTOM...its like a druggie/alcoholic...you can't make her
    hit rock bottom..you can't force her there by reasoning w/her..

    SHE has to want to change...
    she is completely beat down mentally...you can't change that overnight...
    you can't get her to understand things..she is NOT thinking w/the normalcy that we do...

    If I were you; I'd give her the number of the local womens abuse shelter. I lived in one..its not that bad..at least the
    one I was in. They will take her and her daughter in. They will help her get an order/protection, counseling etc ALL FREE...
    they will help her get settled w/a job, a place to live, welfare etc..if she needs it. I had to use it all...but then again; I was
    ready for the change.

    If she is NOT willing to go to the local womens abuse shelter for immediate protection..I agree completely; get Chilld protective services involved.
    will she be mad? OH YES...
    could she never talk to you guys again? oh yes...
    is it the right thing to do, to protect a child who is disabled (Or even NOT for that matter) ...MOST DEFINITIVELY YES!!
    but ask yourself this: If this man, who has proven to be extremely unstable, hurts that child or worse yet; kills her in a fit of rage and you did
    not call..could you live with yourself? I know I cOULD NOT...

    but I do have to say; I admire you for wanting to help...I didnt have many ppl wanting to help..she needs you..but dont enable her..
    you have to stand firm..you can be just as sick as her by enabling her...

    GL! and I completely understand her situation; so if you want to pick my brain; pm me...I'm here!
  8. Squishy

    Squishy Chillin' With My Peeps

    Feb 2, 2011
    Thats partly where we are coming from Momagain... especially mom... We were in one of those places once too, though not for those same reasons.. and I well remember what is is like to have no one want to help you... and the loss of pride that comes with it all... mom just wants to save her the struggle and grief... so fustrating for her she cant. And we always said we'd never turn our backs on someone in that place... but everyone is correct, I think... its has to be by her choice. If there was obvious evidence of abuse in Nique's case, Im sure the police would have done something right then... unfortunately, without it, theres not much anyone can do. As an officer told me when I was older once "Youre not bleeding" and I suppose thats all that matters. I dont think its their fault, of course, just the way that area of the system is set up. I've always wished, God would just yell at us and say "You're doing the wrong thing!" but He doesent... Free will. Thank you everyone for your thoughts [​IMG] and for the PM.. so sweet.
  9. Momagain1

    Momagain1 Chillin' With My Peeps

    Feb 13, 2011
    Central IL
    when I went into the shelter; the police made ME leave my apt..my name was on the lease...( we were seperated; but trying to get back together..he came for a visit)...

    why?? because HE was (my now ex husband) DOING MY roommate..she said he was "HER" guest and he had
    no place to go...

    so they made me & HIS daughter leave...because I could go to an abuse shelter...he couldnt...

    so the police system sometimes WONT do the right thing..even if its in front of their face...
  10. BrattishTaz

    BrattishTaz Roo Magnet

    Jan 8, 2011
    Tampa Area, Florida
    Quote:I would LOVE to meet with the officer that said, "You're not bleeding" to a child...if just for a few minutes. [​IMG] You can't always see the damage done to a child. It is extremely important that Nique be removed from that situation one way or another. Remember, the police think she is in a safe place right now. Her mother is not protecting her child at this point. An intervention from child services may be the wake up call the mother needs.

BackYard Chickens is proudly sponsored by