What to do with this friend? sorry, long

Discussion in 'Random Ramblings' started by I have WHAT in my yard?, Feb 15, 2009.

  1. I have WHAT in my yard?

    I have WHAT in my yard? Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jun 24, 2008
    Eggberg, PA
    We've been friends for 25 years. That is a long time and LOTS of water under the bridge. BUT, she's now 47 years old and she hasn't changed.

    SHe has always been very smart and pulled together in some areas, but her focus has always been on her relationships. She has a great job, and it pays well, but she admits she only does what she has to do to keep the job. SHe has no ambition in that area.

    If there was an arena full of wonderful men and one jerk - she'd find the jerk. Over and over and over and over.....

    So many times I have told her that the problem remains hers to fix. There is no perfect guy, she needs to be a whole person, happy in herself, to find love.

    Frankly, I am just tired of the ride, y'know? She refuses to even consider that maybe she could use some help. I told her the other day, in absolute frustration, that insanity is defined by doing the same thing over and over expecting different results! Her response? "I won't be doing the same thing - what I really need to do is start hanging out in classier places so I'll meet better guys!"

    She has no hobbies, no interests, no focus on anything except getting married and having kids. Did I mention she's 47?!?! It's not that she can't find love at 47 my aunt got married for the first time at 52! It's that she's not whole and she acts like a loon in a relationship. Is there any way I can salvage this friendship? How can I say I want to be left tout of her relationship nonsense when that is pretty much her everything?
     
  2. Rhett&SarahsMom

    Rhett&SarahsMom Chillin' With My Peeps

    May 8, 2008
    Hard one.

    I had a really close friend. I met her in 3rd grade. We even managed to hang out after her family moved over an hour from us. We hung out all through HS and even after.
    But her choice in men has always been terrible. Then she got pregnant and decided to marry the guy. He is controlling. She knew it, saw it and stayed with him. I tried to remain her friend but just couldnt. It was painful to keep hearing the same thing over and over and over.
    One time, when she was ALMOST out the door.. and he knew it. He kept taking her birth control pills. She got pregnant again and stayed.

    That was it for me. I walked away. I stopped trying to talk to her, trying to help her. It was terrible to loose that friendship. But if she didnt want to do something for herself I certainly couldnt make her. It has been over a year now and I havent heard from her. I am guessing she is still with him, somewhere.
     
  3. English Chick

    English Chick English Mum

    Jun 27, 2008
    Cheshire UK
    She appears to be very lonely actually..... she thinks that in order to be fulfilled as a woman she has to get married and have children...she needs to find herself before she can find anybody else to share her life with.

    Sounds like she is just constantly going through the motions of everyday life and is completely bored with it....she needs a fresh start to perhaps kickstart her inner self.....new job (hopefully)...new apartment..new area.....

    But you can tell her from me having children late in life is not as easy as she thinks....and you have to make even greater sacrifices for them......can she?

    Good luck ........ you have been a good friend to her does she not realise that?
     
  4. Mourningdove

    Mourningdove Chillin' With My Peeps

    Dec 17, 2008
    Cleveland, Tn.
    As my dad always said "you can not help those who won't help themselves" With that being said...you can still be friends without getting dragged in the middle, if she doesn't take help or advice very well then you'll have to stand back let her stumble and find her own way, and just be there when she wants or needs to talk. Eventually she should be able to figure it out on her own. Lord knows I did!
     
  5. I have WHAT in my yard?

    I have WHAT in my yard? Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jun 24, 2008
    Eggberg, PA
    I am hoping you're right mdove! I keep hoping she'll figure it out.

    But, Linda is right that she cannot find herself. She is actually big on the new - everything. When a relationship goes south she blows up and moves. She changes everything moving across the country on a whim. She is endlessly running form herself. This past stretch has been the longest in one place - and she moved here to be closer to me! But, it is driving me crazy.

    She gets lonely and clingy. She'll call me five to seven times a day! I don't answer them all. Some days I don't answer any. Then she gets a BF and the calls ease off, then the drama begins anew.

    I've told her point blank that I think she needs therapy. I told her point blank I wasn't doing this drama any more. I don't know what else to do. What made you figure it out mdove??
     
  6. Imp

    Imp All things share the same breath- Chief Seattle

    Lots of good advice here. But your solution will be unique to your situation.
    Good Luck!
    I've had to tell a couple friends that the friendship just wasn't working any longer, and I wanted to remember them kindly, rather than getting angry and avoiding them. I still get Christmas cards from one.
    Imp-sadly
     
  7. Mourningdove

    Mourningdove Chillin' With My Peeps

    Dec 17, 2008
    Cleveland, Tn.
    I have WHAT in my yard? :

    I am hoping you're right mdove! I keep hoping she'll figure it out.

    But, Linda is right that she cannot find herself. She is actually big on the new - everything. When a relationship goes south she blows up and moves. She changes everything moving across the country on a whim. She is endlessly running form herself. This past stretch has been the longest in one place - and she moved here to be closer to me! But, it is driving me crazy.

    She gets lonely and clingy. She'll call me five to seven times a day! I don't answer them all. Some days I don't answer any. Then she gets a BF and the calls ease off, then the drama begins anew.

    I've told her point blank that I think she needs therapy. I told her point blank I wasn't doing this drama any more. I don't know what else to do. What made you figure it out mdove??

    A combination of things helped me! See I was trying to please other people (including my parents) and kept getting hurt then one day I met the man I would marry and I didn't know it at the time, anyway he suggested to me to put distance between me and my parents and stop trying so hard. Relax and trying finding what I liked or needed and the rest would folllow. Alot more to my story that I can't go into here. I was 33 years old when I met dh and now everything else fell into place. Does this make any sence? PM me if you need to know more.​
     
  8. rebelcowboysnb

    rebelcowboysnb Confederate Money Farm

    4 words.

    Addicted To Mind Games!
     
  9. I have WHAT in my yard?

    I have WHAT in my yard? Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jun 24, 2008
    Eggberg, PA
    Quote:Too true - I tease her that she doesn't think it is love unless there is police involvement.
     
  10. rebelcowboysnb

    rebelcowboysnb Confederate Money Farm

    I have friends like that an I have friends that like to exploit that.

    Bet she doesn't approach, she waits to be approached an only accepts dates with the cockeyed ones.
     

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