wife and adult stepson

[gambler]

My wife has a son who is 22 years old and in college. He lives off campus at school and is not at home much.My wife talks about her son all of the time like he is 8 yrs old. There is not a day goes by that she does not say something about her "little boy". At Christmas time when shopping she would look at infant toys and exclaim how her son would have loved one of these when he was little. My problem with all of this is that she coddles him and gives him everything (Food, money, clothes internet). He calls she gives. He does not and has never had a job. He does not have a drivers license. Last summer he wanted to live on his own and get a job. Well he claimed he couldn't find a job but he still lived on his own. His mother paid for everything (rent,food, fun money). By my estimation she gave him around $11,000 in the past year. And that does not include money to pay tuition or books. She works but does not make a lot of money. Basically she gives him all of her money that she earns. I have a child from previous marriage that is 12 and lives with us. I pay all of the bills. There are times that I run out of money and can't buy food for us and she has no money to buy food because she has given it to her college son. I am at my wits end. This has been going on for 3 years. When we got married 3 years ago I never dreamed this would happen. I love this woman but I resent her son and I am starting to resent her. What should I do? I Have complained in the past and things get good for a couple of months then back to the same old. Will this woman ever change or should I give up and boot her and her son.

 

[TallChickMagnet]

Dr. Phil would say to first talk with her, but for the talk to have any meaning behind it you have to be ready to take actions. She must know what actions you will take, and you have to be ready to live with the consequences of those actions, and the threat of those actions.

Sorry that I can't type in a Texas accent...

 

[cassie]

Your wife has a clinker in her thinker, and until that is fixed, nothing will change. This isn't anything you can fix. She has to wake up and smell the coffee herself. The first step to fixing any problem is to recognize there is one. She doesn't think there is a problem. Therapy would help, but you have to get her to go. This relationship isn't healthy for her, for you, your child, and certainly not her son. You definitely need to keep finances separate. One way or another this boat is going to sink. You really need to take whatever steps are necessary to protect yourself and your child so you don't all go down with it. If I were in your shoes I would be looking into separate living arrangements.

 

[gg706]

I would open a bank account without her name on it and direct my paycheck to that account. Give her half of the bills to pay for the house and make sure she pays them. If she fails to pay those bills. I would get out of it. She needs to realize that the bills at home are being paid by you and she is not contributing to anything but HER GROWN son! You and your son deserve better. It may come down to you needing to leave to protect your child at home.

 

[redhen]

Yep...what all the others said above.

 

[cafarmgirl]

I would open a bank account without her name on it and direct my paycheck to that account. Give her half of the bills to pay for the house and make sure she pays them. If she fails to pay those bills. I would get out of it. She needs to realize that the bills at home are being paid by you and she is not contributing to anything but HER GROWN son! You and your son deserve better. It may come down to you needing to leave to protect your child at home.

I agree. She's not going to stop the behavior as long as she can rely on you to cover her own bill's and living expenses. What is really sad is that she is doing a huge disservice to her son with what she is doing. He is never going to be a responsible, self sufficient adult as long as he can depend on mommy to pay his way in life. After college you can expect he'll be back home or she'll be funneling money to him for rent and living expenses.

My sister is in the same situation with her oldest son. 26 year old college kid (perpetual student), never held a job, has no drivers license, gets rent and living expenses paid by mom. He graduates, hopefully, this June. Plans to move back in with mom!

 

[justbugged]

Quote: My sister is in the same situation with her oldest son. 26 year old college kid (perpetual student), never held a job, has no drivers license, gets rent and living expenses paid by mom. He graduates, hopefully, this June. Plans to move back in with mom!

I have come to realize that some parents think that coddling their adult children like this is a sign of love. All I have seen is that these children have become retarded adults. They may not have been handicapped children, but they have become handicapped by their parents action. My current theory is that it stems from mothers not having the numbers of children that they once would have had. So we are essentially not being fulfilled as mothers, or we are simply afraid of aging.

Having given birth to a daughter that would have never lived independently, this is one of the saddest things to watch a parent do to a child. I would have given my soul to have had my daughter live to become an independently living adult. For myself it was vital that I raise my other 2 children to be self supporting adults.


What I am getting from the LW's story is that maybe his wife is trying to hint around about having a child or children with him. (her pointing out baby items) She does seem to have unresolved issues with her son's childhood. She doesn't have any reason to change what is happening, and talking to her, without real action is useless. She does need to be responsible for more than her own whims. So dividing expenses isn't a bad idea. I would pick out something like utilities for her to pay for, so that if she doesn't then the worst that happens is that the lights won't turn on. I am not sure that paying everything for her is any healthier for her, that it is for her to be paying for everything that her son wants is. Since the LW has a young daughter in the home, his first responsibility is to her. The daughter needs the basics, and she should have to worry about whether or not there is going to be enough food or not.

This a tough spot to be in, but nothing will change unless you back up your word with actions. This will not cure it's self, if you give enough time either. I don't believe in throwing way a marriage, but unless the LW writer can see himself as the sole support of 2 or 3 retarded adults, this is a marriage deal breaker. ( As Dr.Phil would have said.)

 

[jdyson]

You know, as a mother, this is really disappointing to me. I am sorry to say this as I do not know you but she should definitely be paying the bills as well as you. I don't make a whole lot of money but I pay my share for sure. I have 2 daughters in college and they both have jobs. They had to have jobs before they got cars. I wasn't paying their insurance or their gas. I'm not paying for their school either, I can't afford to. If they want it, they have to do like a lot of other people do and work for it. I help them when I can but they also have a sister in middle school and they understand how hard being a grown up is. You need to get a separate account for your money and sit down with her and your finances. Give her a set amount to pay a month leaving her enough for gas and food. If she chooses to give it to her son then oh well. Shame on her. You have a younger child who needs more right now than her son does. Don't resent her for loving her child as much as she does, even though its definitely overkill. Remember that there are plenty of children out there who would love to be in just one of his shoes. Now I will step off the soapbox. I hope this has helped. Good luck!

 

[HeatherLynn]

This is just a purely financial suggestion because honestly I think there needs to be some mental help in there too. Have a bills account and she can split her paycheck. Part has to go into the bills account and the rest into her personal account. Very easily done. Its automatic so it takes no thought or getting past issues for her. Once she's signed up with her HR, its very very simple. Then you know you have the funds in that bills account to help with the household expenses. What she does with the rest is an issue to deal with after maybe a bit of therapy.

 

[chucksaway]

Wow life must be so hard in your home. Does your wife even realise how much strain that she is putting on your relationship? If you sit her down and start talking finances and how much of a strain her son is she may just go on the defensive. My sujestion would be to point out that by mollycoddling her son like this she is not helping him but hindering him for the rest of his life. Point out that if she ever wants him to have a healthy and happy life he cant hold on to her apron strings any longer, tell her that if she wishes him to have the love for his own children that she has for him then he needs to stand on his own 2 feet. Lastly point out the ultimate cruelty of her actions... What will happen when she is no longer there to look after him. Do this in an understanding mannor, give her the impression that you care for this man, and that you wish to help while this situation can still be solved. Help set him up in his own home, pay the deposit and the first months rent, give him an allowance for his food for the first month,let your wife see that you are doing all this for him, to help him. Let both him and your wife know that you will only support him for this first month. When you wife protests at cutting him off, allow the proviso of the odd food package, with a limit to the ammount, enough for 3 days maybe, your wife will see this as a compramise and accept it.Tell your wife that SHE is being cruel to be kind (she must think that she is doing this you are only there to support her). While this transiation is taking place try to get your wife and daughter to spend time together, some girly shopping, maybe get your daughter to ask your wife for makeup tips, anything to increase the bond between your wife and daughter, soon your wife will realise that there is a daughter that she can give her love to, that she will not be childless. It will be a financial strain to begin with, but surely it will be worth it if you succeed.