Wife of an endless studier!

[Tabitha George]

When I first met my husband he was working full time in a job I thought he liked until about 6 months into our relationship. He then began a PhD in sport, his supervisor gave him the irrates so gave her the flick. Now he is about a year (I HOPE) from finishing his PhD in another area.

I am so sick of every night him being on his laptop, up until late. Then weekends! We have hardly any us time, but when we do it is great! He is also running a small business as well to keep us going. I work full time and suffer with anxiety and starting to get very down over the last few months as I feel very unappreciated! All I hear is when my PhD is finished it will all be better! We have endless "chats" about how he needs to help me out more around the house etc etc. Well I flew off the handle the other night and smashed his laptop! Yep, what a psycho! I just got to boiling point and went right over the edge!!!

Thank fully, we were able to get back all his work onto a new laptop as the hard drive was safe!!!

I just feel like I am at my whits end! I can't cope anymore! I know it is a hard slog for him and I honestly try to be supportive of everything he does, but I hate my job and I am desperate to have children and it just feels like all I do is wait for him!!! He is 8 years older than me and I worry about him being an older Dad!

HELP before I lose my mind completely!

 

[bluesub]

Finishing a PhD is hard work and the last year is sometimes the hardest. Sorry I can't offer anything more than empathy. Maybe you should try to get out on your own or try a class in something you always wanted to try (could be something art related, or sports related).

 

[fried green eggs]

There is a reason marriage vows say "in good times and bad, for richer for poorer..." There will be tough times but, hang in there and remember "and this too shall pass" Things Will get better !
I hope your find a way to "Dance in the rain" - even when it pours.

 

[SillyChicken]

...you can't depend on your spouse for your own happiness!

You need a hobby or to find another job that you'll enjoy, just because you have a job, doesn't mean you should stop looking for one. Not your DH's fault you hate your job.

Everything shouldn't have to center around your DHs education. But, if he is spending too much time, maybe you should schedule dates etc... but not to just have bio tch session about what he's not doing, use that time in a positive manner.

If you want kids, but he's not ready, go volunteer with big sisters or some other kid organization and spend some time with kids that need an adult... although.. you may want to work on your own issues first... smashing the computer..... that's pretty immature, sorry.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

...you can't depend on your spouse for your own happiness!

You need a hobby or to find another job that you'll enjoy, just because you have a job, doesn't mean you should stop looking for one. Not your DH's fault you hate your job.

Everything shouldn't have to center around your DHs education. But, if he is spending too much time, maybe you should schedule dates etc... but not to just have bio tch session about what he's not doing, use that time in a positive manner.

If you want kids, but he's not ready, go volunteer with big sisters or some other kid organization and spend some time with kids that need an adult... although.. you may want to work on your own issues first... smashing the computer..... that's pretty immature, sorry.

X2!

You need to sit down and think about how all he spends his time. He is running a small business and working on his PhD. Both of those require extensive hours, and you are demanding more. Each of these benefit your future, If he were off running around with his buddies or hanging out at bars, I would SO agree with your complaints, but as it is, sounds like he is home studying when he is not working or in class.

How old are you? How long have you been married? My guess is young and not all that long. Unless you are at the end of your child bearing years, calm down and try to look at things from his viewpoint. He is working hard to make a good current life and a better future one for y'all as a family.

Destructiveness is a form of abuse. Think about that.

 

[RHRanch]

I am an adult in college, and its a lot of work and you have to make it a priority. Luckily my husband understood that and supported me and would never get in my face about me being busy with schoolwork. Likewise, I never dreamt of bothering him when he was studying or doing assignments and if he had homework, I accepted that. Have you gone to college? It takes up a ton of your time with reading, studying and assignments, a Phd. program is the most challenging. You know, my whole family knows that during the school year I have NO extra time to do anything, I make that clear and luckily they respect that. You need to cut your SO a break and figure out why you can't be happy that he's applying himself and maybe find something you can do that is important to you.

BTW, I also think your boyfriend must be a saint to be running a business and finishing a degree all while having to negotiate "endless" chats with you complaining and making more demands on him. (I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but its how I feel after reading your post)

 

[jeepgurl]

I stayed home for seven years when our child was born. Then I homeschooled him after the sixth grade. While he was in public school, I went to school for lpn. I was always studying and if I wasnt at work, I was at school. Now, I am back in school for lpn to rn. Another nine months of school mon thru fri and work sat and sun. My poor husband will suffer again. Reading this post was a good reminder that no matter what I think is soooo important at school or work, I need to take a few minutes, stop what I am doing, and acknowledge this wonderful man for putting up with my cranky, tired, and sometimes rude behaviors. Even if its just sitting together in the evenings and watching the girls go in at night. I dont want to take him for granted as I have so many times in the past........

Edited by Staff

 

[furbabymum]

OP, sounds to me like your husband might just be one of those people who never finds "fulfillment". I'm married to a man who hasn't ever liked any of his jobs. Wants to go to school for something different every other day. Stays on his computer "researching" as much as I allow him. He's bipolar so I try to give him a lot of slack but there is only so much slack to give. I say counseling. I know some people hate counseling and think it is stupid but it's not. It's taken us awhile to find a counselor we like. We went to one who blamed everything on my husband. I don't need to pay someone to do that. Now we have a counselor who is working on our communication. Points out when we are both doing something wrong, etc. We do most of our fighting in her office so it's not always pretty but we always feel better and more loving afterward. I find myself saving stuff now......wait to tell husband about new duck run at marriage counselors so he can't strangle me to death......

 

[Bunnylady]

We have hardly any us time




I am desperate to have children

If you think you don't have any "us" time now, wait until you have a baby. You won't even have any "me" time, forget the "us" time (unless you happen to be blessed enough to be able to buy some - then you'll have the guilts, too!)

 

[sourland]

Well, folks, not saying that it was undeserved, but she got beat up pretty badly - why respond?