What do you make of this?

I would tell my mom to leave.Life is way to short to spend it with someone who brings you down.Grandma sounds like an vibe vamp.She feeds off the distress she creates in others.I would limit contact or cut her off completely.My kids have a classmate whose mom died suddenly a week ago in the ER.She was the sweetest lady.Always helping at the school,and so busy with church doings.Just 47 years old.I am just a few years younger.Her death really makes one realise life is SO short. You have to ask yourself do you want to spend it fighting off someone that brings you down? If she was not mom/grandma I think she would have been cut off long ago.I am telling you she is a vibe vamp.Some like to create choas and misery. I love my mom but if she did that I would lock the gate and change my number!

Thank you all for your responses. I will try to paint a better picture of my grandmother's character, it's not the sweet, sentimental go bake cookies with grandma feeling. My grandmother and mom have had a very strained and not normal relationship. My grandmother has always favored her son (my uncle, mom's brother) to the point of she waged a family "war" on us over a stupid camper that we had bought from my great-grandmother. She filed a false police report and everthing. When my mom spoke to the police to clear up all allegations which were found false, the policeman continued to say how sorry he was for my mother. My grandmother did not take care of my mom when she was a child (in and out of the hospital) which has resulted in my mom's poor health today. My unlce is insanely jealous of my mom and fuels my grandma up and they like to gang up on people (start fights w/their neighbors). Anyway after the huge family blowout over the camper, my mom reconciled with my grandma and tried to have a relationship with my grandma. So I guess what I'm saying is my grandma can be downright nasty, (and enjoys being so, ex: she called one of her friends an eccentric spinster that talked too much! And this friend had been a great friend to her!) and I don't feel my mom is oversensitive or overreacting. Believe me, people say I'm pretty unemotional and my grandma drives me insane!

Mattema: Interesting, we describe her as an energy vampire!

Not sure who asked, but about the horses...she did not have part ownership or any involvement that would deduce her as having any business with what my mom did with my mom's horses.

I like the idea of my mom having no response at all and trying to quash my grandmother's high she gets seeing my mom upset.

Anyway, a lof of good advice I have to think about and pass on to my mom. Thanks all.

Please make sure you convey to your mom there is nothing wrong with her judgement. Grandma has issues and they are her issues to deal with, not your Mom's. Hate to say it, but Momis better off without her.

In light of your further explanation of your grandmother, my advice has changed somewhat.....toxic people are just that. Toxic. They poison the very air around them and there is no "dealing" with them via normal means.

Your mother would do well to just avoid any contact that isn't superficial and momentary....a short phone conversation, no visits by granny to your home(make it quite clear why), limited contact at all beyond what is really necessary. Your grandmother has damaged your mother enough...no need to let her keep preying on your mom.

I have a few of these in my family(the toxic trio) and we still have a court date coming up and we hope this will be the end of it. They have persecuted my parents near to death and are currently on trial for the theft of their possessions and other things. We will be relieved to have them out of the picture when they go to jail...the prosecutor states that, in light of their ongoing behaviors to my parents, it is likely the judge will ask for penitentiary time for them.

It's time to get that poison out of your lives. Just because they are related doesn't mean they are family and the thickness of blood to water has nothing to do with survival...and your mom needs to survive this toxic family.

I'd advise very limited, if any, contact with grandma and the rest of her toxic brood.

Ever hear the phrase, "Misery love company" ?

From everything you said, I'm 99% certain that your grandma has a controversial personality. People like that are pessimistic & confrontational by nature spending much of their time focusing on the negatives about everything. This is because she is not happy being happy, so she talks about controversial issues & looks for flaws in others. If there is no current drama in your family life, she will bring up past issues or start on topics just as or more upsetting & the reason she focuses on your mom & not you... is, because you are stronger willed. Your grandma does not know how to break your spirit.

The fact that you said your grandma enjoys going to funerals & seeing people crying, shows that she is pathological.

I don't think your mom needs therapy. She NEEDS to separate herself from her mother & let her rot in her misery alone. It sounds cruel, but what your grandmother is doing is far worse. Your grandmothers mentality of breaking down a person's self esteem & making them feel worthless, is exactly what pedophiles do to children & abusive men do to women. It's not for the same motives, but it's the exact same mind set. To break a person's spirit so you can have control over them & relish in their suffering for your own personal gain.

It sounds like your grandmother's motive is simply to just create drama. We call people like that on the internet Trolls & you know what they say about trolls.

Don't feed the troll.

The only way your grandma will change is if she is punished by separation. Maybe then she will change her ways. The only way your mom will get stronger, is if she continues to stand up to grandma & make her leave when she acts like that.

00 Turok, all I can say is WOW! you really pinpointed my grandmother's behavior. She does knock my mom's self esteem all the time and brings up my mom's past failures and gets my mom to have self doubt. My mom has poor self confidence from YEARS of this kind of behavior. And honestly, who wants to wallow in one's past mistakes, you learn from them and move on!!

Mixitup: I agree with you. My grandma does have some issues.

Beekissed: I definitely think my grandma is toxic. She will say horrible jabs that are downright awful!

Anyway, I will let my mom know about my "research" hear on BYC LOL! Thank you everyone for your insight!

i think you should fight fire with fire.......

1) tell your mom to bring up your grandmas failures as soon as your grandmas mouth starts moving..after that bring up the brothers failures.....


2) then i would push the ignore button and cut off all communication for atleast 2 weeks.....dont answer the phone/dont answer the door...

then let her visit

and repeat step one then repeat step two

continue this for as long as she has to...

i like to confuse people it throws them off track.......

Peaches Lee said:

My question is what motive does she have to upset my mom

Click to expand...

I believe trying to figure out why some parents and other people do the abusive things they do is an exercise in futility, along with being a total brain-drain.

We can make boundaries based on what is healthy for us (like no-contact if that's what's needed for peace) instead of allowing ourselves to be disrespected and constantly put in a reactionary position to other people's unhealthy choices. Life's too short to allow abusers control of our lives based on how they choose to live. Their unhealthy choices become a mute point when we keep healthy boundaries in place.

fighting fire w fire in a case like this is playing into their hands... whats the saying.. don't let stupid people drag you down to their level, they'll beat you with experience. Toxic people are like parasites and a waste of time.

I think the only thing I disagree with here is where it was said the mother doesn't need therapy. I think she might, only because she needs to understand that it isn't her fault the grandma is the way she is. It isn't her fault the grandma enjoys other peoples pain and suffering and has such negativity, She may need a little guidance in shaking off the doom and gloom grandma carries around and learning to stand strong and not take the crap from her any more. I can't imagine growing up the way she did and not having some things that need hashed out. I think it might help her deal with it to have some therapy and maybe learn some redirecting techniques for when grandma inevitably shows up. Therapy might help her to make peace with the horse situation (and others) so they don't bother her so much any more. Then if grandma does bring them up, those wounds will be closed and not as easily irritated. Grandma has done some serious damage over the years. You may just have to cut her out of your lives completely. Good luck!