Dear Abby, I have a friend....

Yeah, I know, it's hard to believe, but I do.

The wife and I have known her for years. She's a very special person, who is near and dear to us.
She lives 30 miles away, and 15 miles of the trip is dirt, compared to my 8.

She's helped us out in the restaurant when times were tough, and she's always pretty good at coming to dog sit when we need her to. She is single, doesn't need to work, and has plenty of free time.

She loves my cooking, and loves to eat. She's mostly vegetarian, she says, but she can't fool me.
She comes over every now and then, I usually make us all a nice meal, and it's gone before you know it.

Once in awhile she invites us down to her place for dinner, and here's the thing: She's not a good cook. The wife will verify this, so we both generally want nothing to do with her dinners.

For the most part, I really am a hermit. To get me off the mountain takes way more than all the kings men. I rely on this as my excuse to stay home most of the time, but I'm sure it's getting old. Neither the wife nor I could possibly tell her her cooking sucks.
And by the way, she dislikes the drive as much as we do.

What to do?

How about suggesting you all meet up at a restaurant about equal distance from each. You both have shorter rides and YOU don't have to choke down vittles you don't like.

That's just why I don't like having lunch at one of my friend's houses. She hates coming out to mine. But, she won't go anywhere a "tip" is involved. We just stopped doing it period.

Offer to bring a dish, or just bring one without asking. Choose a nice hardy dish that you can eat and feel full enough, (maybe you could talk her into letting you bring the meat?) This is not rude (at least not where I am from) it is friendly, like a hostess gift. Be sure to take a big spoon full of everything she serves and then politely move it around your plate so it looks like you ate some. Then politely throw the food away....I have a MIL who is truly a bad cook, I have managed to prefect this. It will be harder to do with just the three of you, and you will probably need to eat a little of everything she makes. But generally a person notices what is taken from the dish, not all the food left on your plate.

Does she have a dog? If not that, perhaps a large potted plant? You and your wife could be sure you eat well before going to the friend's house for dinner. Then, have the wife distract your friend while you slip your dinners to the dog under the table, bury it in the philodendron, or flush it down the toilet. Not terribly honest, but in the name of self preservation, some times... drastic times call for drastic measures.

All wonderful suggestions. I really like the potted plant idea.
There are three restaurants just about in the middle of us all. I wouldn't eat at any of them with anybody's dog's mouth.

I rarely, rarely, rarely, dine out.
I refuse to eat from other people's kitchens.
And I'll be ****** if I'll do a pot luck. I don't think luck and dinner are two words that work well with each other.

I really am some sort of hermit. I don't need a bunch of people around me to justify my existence. And I'd just as soon stay home than do anything.
I don't even go to town when new power tools are needed.

It's a good thing my wife likes to shop and spend my money.

On top of everything else, I hate driving, or riding in vehicles. I spent quite a few years driving big rigs, and I've done my two million miles without tasting my own blood on the windshield.
After owning a restaurant for almost 10 years, I almost really don't care if I ever see another person.

Maybe TMI.

I'm sure there isn't a real good solution, and in this case, being honest isn't a good idea.

Thanks for letting me carry on for a moment.