Anybody have any experience with adoption and/or children being a little behind? Share your stories

[Miss Biddy]

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you went through all that.
I really cringe seeing celebrities adopting children from countries in Africa and Asia.
It's as if they're "collecting" the latest accessory.
(I loath our whole celebrity culture to start with, and this whole thing that they're saving them?
Sits wrong with me for some reason.

I don't know. Maybe the parents wanted to keep them, but were forced by circumstances into giving them up?

 

[EmtheFishLady]

I wanna jump in here because I am an adult adoptee, and have contact with hundreds, if not thousands of other adoptees (mostly from Korea and Asia, as our experiences are connected).
It's okay for him to be "a little behind". Maybe it's because of early life issues, maybe it's just because every body and mind are different. The methods that schools use to measure things are really flawed and completely biased. There are so many ways of having and expressing intelligence.
That said, there will be issues. It's a really hard journey. I was a child who hid my pain and internalized all of the difference I felt. Certainly all of this was magnified by being a transracial adoptee. But from outward appearances I was a happy kid. I was also an anorexic teenager, suicidal through middle and high school, spent 7 years in an abusive relationship because I thought I was unlovable. I know others with experiences that range - but there is universally a struggle to know and love ourselves. It's a pain that haunts you - I don't know if I can even pinpoint what it is exactly. Some call it the "primal wound". There is also a lot to attachment theory that applies - when you don't get the love, or the love is mixed with pain or fear, or there is no stability, etc. But in this case, I think language and theory all fail. It's just traumatic. Abandonment is haunting. And no matter how young you are when it happens (I was an infant)...it can be a life-long issue.
I guess my point is...tread carefully. Don't force him to fit some ideal of "normal". "Normal" no longer applies. While working on his speech, encourage other forms of expression. Nurture his whole self, his whole spirit. Don't ever let him feel like he is failing your or letting you down or like you wish he would be like other kids. Don't let him feel like he's different because his mother abandoned him, but also acknowledge that he IS different because his mom abandoned him (does that make sense?). Let him have whatever feelings he has. Know that there is a lot he will hold back. Give him safe ways to express and explore those feelings. Connect him with other adoptees - particularly adult adoptees, not just things run by adoptive parents. Often, adoptees, we feel like we have to be perfect, like we have to over perform, over achieve, show no flaws - because we are afraid of being abandoned again. But at the same time, everyone tells us that we are no different. So all of those unpleasant, hard feelings we are having feel like personal flaws. I grew up with a lot of "well my mom tells me that i'm no different but i feel this way so it must be something wrong with me". Meeting other adoptees and having those feelings validated was life changing, if not life saving.
Anyway, I hope this isn't uncalled for. I just wanted to jump in and share from my (very different but also connected) experience.

This is the kind of thing I was looking for. I expected issues, but it is nice to hear that they are shared. It helps me worry less if I can reassure myself that this is something others cope with also, and something he can overcome.

I know exactly what you mean by him being different but not. He isn't any different than our other children, but he is special.

I don't know too many people who would do that. What good people you are.

And yes, I didn't even think about the rest of the family! No way would MY family let a member be given away.
How creepy. BUT has a nice family now. Love makes a family, not blood ties.

I've never really been a kid person, (never married, no kids) but your story made my day.
And I'm glad Social Services used common sense, and didn't shove him in a foster home.
I think in NYS, they would have.

I would like to think that everyone would do exactly what we did when faced with this situation. If they wouldn't, it is their loss by missing out on such a perfect, innocent love.


DCF is absolutely useless. If they had any common sense, the baby wouldn't have been there for 7 months.

 

[wallaroo]

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you went through all that.
I really cringe seeing celebrities adopting children from countries in Africa and Asia.
It's as if they're "collecting" the latest accessory.
(I loath our whole celebrity culture to start with, and this whole thing that they're saving them?
Sits wrong with me for some reason.

I don't know. Maybe the parents wanted to keep them, but were forced by circumstances into giving them up?

oh don't even get me started on the international adoption industry and celebrities! it's so shameful. and the stories i could tell you too! but i won't threadjack.

 

[wallaroo]

I'm glad it was helpful. I agree, anticipating problems, knowing that they are survivable, and just being open to his process is key. A lot of adoptive parents (mine included) think they are getting little blank slates, and then totally bury their head in the sand. This doesn't help anyone. My approach to things that seem scary is to educate myself. The more I know, the better I understand, the better prepared I am to respond in a helpful and productive way. And you both obviously have big, wonderful, generous and loving hearts. I'm glad that you found each other. I believe in maintaining families of origin as much as possible, but this clearly wasn't possible. Anyway, feel free to reach out if you have any more questions.

 

[Miss Biddy]

I can't remember who said but it really resonated with me:
"It's never too late to have a happy childhood."

Connor is well on his way to healing. He's not unloveable, his first family is the one with the problem.
Wallaroo, you can still have that happy childhood too!
The human spirit is as vast as our universe.

Off topic somewhat, but a really good book on what happens when women were forced into giving up their babies (in the 1950s-60's is
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler, who was given up at birth.

Thank goodness Connors birth mother gave him up. She did the best thing possible for him.

Please forgive the semi threadjack.

Edited to add: I just reread Connors story, and was struck by how happy he looked that first night with you all.
Like he knew and was thinking "Hey! These are good people, and I'm so happy to be here with them!"

Your husband is a fine writer too.

 

[wallaroo]

I can't remember who said but it really resonated with me:
"It's never too late to have a happy childhood."

Connor is well on his way to healing. He's not unloveable, his first family is the one with the problem.
Wallaroo, you can still have that happy childhood too!
The human spirit is as vast as our universe.

Off topic somewhat, but a really good book on what happens when women were forced into giving up their babies (in the 1950s-60's is
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler, who was given up at birth.

Thank goodness Connors birth mother gave him up. She did the best thing possible for him.

Please forgive the semi threadjack.

Miss Biddy, what on earth makes you think that I haven't/aren't?

I mean, my partner and I just got married last year at Walt Disney World. We're doing just fine on the happy childhood front!

 

[Miss Biddy]

Oh no, I'm sorry. Please I didn't mean to offend. I maybe projecting a bit, healing from my own childhood.
Please accept my humble apology

 

[wallaroo]

Oh no, I'm sorry. Please I didn't mean to offend. I maybe projecting a bit, healing from my own childhood.
Please accept my humble apology

No worries. I understood that you meant well but it landed wrong with me. I think it's important to be generous with folks wherever they are at in their process. If I wasn't at a happy place in my life, it wouldn't be a personal failing, y'know? Wherever we are at, it's okay. And wherever we are at, we've worked hard to get there. Even if we are just surviving, that's hard work too. It all deserves acknowledgement and celebration.

 

[Miss Biddy]

Quote: I am sorry again. I just can't bear to see suffering, yet I'm not one of those "rah rah cheer up it's not that bad" types.


If I wasn't at a happy place in my life, it wouldn't be a personal failing, y'know? Wherever we are at, it's okay. And wherever we are at, we've worked hard to get there. Even if we are just surviving, that's hard work too. It all deserves acknowledgement and celebration

Agree 100%. I definetly didn't mean it that way, and I don't want you to think I did.
And congratulations too!

 

[sourland]

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you went through all that.
I really cringe seeing celebrities adopting children from countries in Africa and Asia.

Well, my son is far from being a celebrity, but they chose to NOT to adopt in the states because of the readiness with children are given back to their 'birth' parents. His exact words, "Dad, I couldn't bear loving a child and having it taken away from us." One GD has an autoimmune disease and if left in China would have died by now. It's best to not judge the actions of others - most of us should spend more time judging ourselves.