Dad is dying...need advice please...

[unionwirewoman]

It's some what of a long story , so I'll try to keep it short . My dad has been in and out of my life for the past 15 yrs . We used to be very close when I was young , but when I turned 10 it all just kinda stopped . My parents divorced when I was 16 and I moved away with her . My dad called every other day , then every week , every month then it was me leaving messages that went unanswered . My now husband pushed me to call him so that he could walk me down the aisle at our wedding . ( my dad moved up here , started a business , I helped him out while working a full time job , then he quit calling me again) . I finally asked him to walk me down the aisle , he agreed , and 3 months after I never heard from him again ( all the while leaving messages that weren't returned ) . 3 years later , (present day) I found out that he is dying . I am so angry , frusterated , confused , hurt and sad . I called and left a message with both him and his girlfriend today and no one has called me back . I'm not sure what I should do or think at this point . I will always love him , and just want a relationship with him like when I was a kid....I've always told him this .

 

[arabianequine]

 

[Yay Chicks!]

What a hard thing you are dealing with. I don't know what the best thing for you to do is, but I can tell you that everything you are feeling right now is normal...uncomfortable...but normal. And there is nothing that you "should" or "should not" be thinking or feeling or doing for that matter. I wish the best for you in discerning what will be right for you. Take care of yourself.

 

[SourRoses]

Awwww

My father passed while we were not on good terms. There was only one shprt year or so before that when we had been on good terms, a few years before he died. My whole childhood, though, we were not.
Everyone told me that I would regret it that I didn't see him before he went... but no, I don't. It was better, for me, to try to focus on some of my less unpleasant memories, than to spend much time around him while he was doing his 'thing' and making others feel bad and guilty.

Anyways.. you did have those 10 years of affection with your dad.. so I'm thinking you might end up feeling much differently than I. I know it must be very hurtful for you that he has changed, and become someone that does not reach out to you. I'm truly sorry. If you can see him, I probably try, in your case. If no one answers, such as the girlfriend (?) I would just find out what hospital he is in (from calling all of those around him) and show up to demand my answers.

 

[featherbaby]

Quote:
What a heart breaking situation. I have been through some similar things and will share what I learned.

You can't make someone else want the same things you want. They have their own ideas about how close is "too close" and how much contact with a loved one is "enough". It's unfair to judge their motives by looking through your own 'grid' of expectations and needs (and it's rarely accurate anyway). He may be so distraught trying to deal with his own upcoming death that he can't even think of anyone else's feelings right now.

It's very natural to want the relationship to be just like it was when you were a kid. Unfortunately, neither of you can get that feeling again. You've both grown past that place in time. Joyce Meyer says, "Give up all hope of making a better PAST, and move on". I remind myself of that frequently.

I admire you for making the effort to help him, call him, and see him. That shows great maturity and heart. There will come a time in the future that you will look back without guilt and say, "I did all I could to love him". That really will give you great comfort. The worst feeling of all is "regret". I hope you continue to reach out to him, whether he responds or not. Just that effort will mean so much to him, no matter what he does with your gesture. I hope he will see what a loving, sweet daughter he has and lean on you for comfort and support at this time. He's a very lucky man....perhaps he just hasn't realized it yet.

 

[Turkeyrangler]

I just spent the weekend with my step father. My bio dad was never there (raging alcoholic) and my step father was not what I would call a great dad. He was distant for many years. I finally gave up as did most of my siblings. Well, a week ago my step sister called me saying that he as in very bad shape and he was being moved to hospice. My brother and I drove 350 miles to see him and help his current wife make him as comfortable as possible. Moving familiar things into his room to make him more comfortable and the ease him confusion. He has emphysema, diabetes as well as some dementia. When I was a kid a very long time ago he was not a nice man...later he mellowed, but we were never very close. My wife asked why I went and all I could say was "He wasn't much of a father, but he was the only one I had." BTW...5 of us kids (in our 40's and 50's) showed up today to do the right thing (for us) and help with what we could. He may have not been a great dad, but I think we are some pretty good sons and daughters. He was very happy to see us , but somewhat embarrassed and confused that we did it. Just do the right thing, whatever that is for you. Your heart will tell you what to do. I agree with Yay Chicks. Take care of yourself.

 

[unionwirewoman]

As far as I know , his heart and arteries are hardening . He was in the hospital for 3 days and was released . They are now waiting on blood work to see if he needs to go to the mayo clinic . He is at home , and is taking medication . They think it might be his kidneys , but the bloodwork should tell what it is . My grandma is the one who told me this info . I was told he was dying , but I'm not sure how all that works . There's been so much he said she said info I've gotten , that now I'm angry with everyone . Why didn't my aunt or grandmother call me to let me know what was going on ? I haven't talked with them for a year also ( same scenario...they are always too busy to have dinner or call ) . My mothers side of the family....everyone knows TOO much about everyone else . My sister ( not my dads daughter) found this out last night from my aunt . Am I wrong for feeling like my aunt , grandmother , or the very least my dads girlfriend should have called me to let me know ?!! I just need to know if it's okay for me to show up at his house and let him know how I feel . My best friend told me to do this ( he's been there since I was 13 and knows all the details ) . Or do I listen to my husband and wait to see if my dad calls me back ?

 

[TigerLilly]

Your answer lies in your own signature line.

 

[Sierra pachie bars]

Big hugs.

I myself have not talked to my father in close to 6 maybe 7 years now. It's hard and no matter what I love him, but I can't be around him. He is a very negative person. Talks bad about my husband who has treated me with great love. My parents were not good parents, they favored my sister. They did not see to me getting dental and care that they saw my sister got. Once it was found I was dyslexic my parents labeled me defective. It hurts even now. I know my fathers health is bad, mine is too and they don't seem to care. Heck I even gave them recently a opening and chance to see their grandchildren. I have made my piece I might never see him again. If given the chance to at least say I love him, but I don't know if that will ever happen. Sadly we choose our friends and who we surround ourselves with. Not our family. Do what your heart tells you to.

 

[unionwirewoman]

Quote:
Therein lies the whole question of humanity . They are very good words to live by , but do I practice this belief to make a dying man feel smaller and worse than he already does ? That is my struggle . Do I vent out all of the wrong doings before he dies , or live with them for the rest of my life ? There is a fine line between love and loathe , and I'm trying to walk that tight rope . I just wish there was a magical soution . I just want to scream WHY!!!!!!