Dad is dying...need advice please...

[LabMama]

Hey there. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I myself had a similar situation with my dad and he passed away 3 years ago. I know from my own experience that no matter what my dad did to me or how he treated me that I still loved him & would forgive him everytime. My husband says why cant you just write him off, why cant you just stop talking to him too. But its not that easy for me I would forgive him everytime...I am sure he loves you, how could a father not love his daughter...he may just not konw how to show it or maybe he is just so caught up in his own life that he has put you on the back burner...he must love you & I know you sound like you love him alot.. My advice would be to do what you can to help him...let him see that you will love him no matter what he has done & if you can try to forgive him before he goes...try to talk to him about it before it too late...and you can always still make a relationship happen. also this helped me out alot....when my dad died I hadnt said all of the things I wanted too so I wrote him a letter and put it in his casket, it gave me a piece of mind & I felt like he knew what was in the letter...or you could even give him a letter while he is still alive best of wishes to you & ill send up a prayer for you and your dad...stay strong!!!!

 

[ICallMyselfCherie']

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Here's a strange idea.... how about printing this out and just handing it to him? You've already put into writing what's happening to you right now. As we all know, in the heat of the moment we may not be able to say what we want to. Maybe we'll get flustered, maybe we won't be able to get it out, maybe it won't come out right when he's right there looking at you and you have this whole negetive jumble of emotions flooding you. So just go find him, and hand him what you wrote, right here.

At least then you will have told him what you needed to. My opinion is you will not want to be kicking yourself for the rest of your life feeling that you should have said something. Your intent is not to try to hurt him now (although, I wouldn't blame you if you did want to), it is to have some sort of closure on your relationship. If it's good, then it's good, and perhaps it will make you feel better. If it's bad, well, you already knew that. At least you'll know.

You don't have to go there to make him feel guilty, to teach him a lesson, to get him back, and you certainly don't have to go there trying to make things right after trying so hard all this time. But I personally don't feel that you will be doing any wrong to go in there and get some answers. And if not to get answers, at the very least to say what you need to say. If he feels bad hearing what you have to say, that is not your fault. It is the natural progression of something that he has been responsible for in his relationship with you, whether he or his demons were to blame, or whatever. He has not been there to protect you, obviously. That is a father's JOB. It is not your job to protect him from what he has done and how it has affected you. If he can be there (and I mean that in the most literal sense) for you to get this off your chest, he owes you that much.

Just hand him your post, and let him read it. And if you go in expecting only what you have gotten from him before, what have you got to lose? At least you won't be telling yourself after he's gone that you should have said these things to him.

I hope you find some peace with this, whatever you do. Just try for that -- whatever will bring you the most peace at the end of it all.

Hang in there, keep us posted, if you feel like it. We're rooting for you.

 

[RoeDylanda]

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I'm sorry this has happened to you. You know that the failure here is in him, not in you, right? I understand your feelings about clearing the air with him, but he may never be able to do that, even for you. Some people can't. You definitely need to get those things OUT, though. Can you write them in a letter? You never have to give it to him-- just pour out what he did, how you feel, and get it all down. Then burn it, or tear it into confetti, and let it go. Stomp the pieces into the dirt if you want.

If he's at the end of his life he may be more open to reconciliation, or his defenses may be up higher than ever. Your solution to this needs to be something you control, not anything that requires something from him, for your own mental health. Good luck with this.

 

[eenie114]

If it were me and my father, I'd just show up. But that's because I know my own father is just thoughtless. I don't know what you should do in your own situation.

Just do everything you can do to let him know you love him so you can go forward with no regrets.
God bless you.

 

[unionwirewoman]

I wrote him a letter 2 years ago ... it explained everything I've ever wanted to say to him , and told him that I was willing to let it all go if he could just return my phone calls . I have talked with everyone and still have no idea as to why he won't call back .
His girlfriend did call me back today . She told me that when she mentioned calling my sister and I back , he told her " just shut up...I don't want to talk about it ." His girlfriend is very hurt , and doesn't know what to do . Apparently he doesn't want to talk with us . I've been racking my brain as to why in the last 2 1/2-3 yrs he hasn't called us ( we didn't have any fights....no hard feelings .) I guess that's why I'm having a hard time . WHY ? Why not just pick up the phone ? I called him again tonight and left a message telling him I would continue to call and that if he didn't call I would park at his house . Not really for me , but I just want him in my life no matter how long he'll be around . I told him that I loved him . If it were me that was sick and on the verge of dying.....I would have made sure he knew and that I wanted him around .
I'm not mad anymore....I would just like to be able to talk with him and have a relationship with him like we did when I was a kid . I know it won't be the same as when I was a kid.....but the loving relationship would be the same .

 

[WriterofWords]

It's hard to not have what we want even though it probably isn't what is good for us anyway. My mom divorced my dad while pregnant with me, my birth certificate says Father Unknown. I only met him 3 times before he drank himself to death in a hospital waiting room. He was the kind of Cherokee they showed in the old westerns, drunk on the side of the road. My step dad is my true dad.
You have done your part, let it go, forgive him for not trying and forgive yourself for letting him go. Leave a message that you love him, you've heard about his health and would like to make peace before he dies, then let it go. You've tried harder than most, and that is to be commended; but if you don't let go, you'll torment yourself thinking you didn't do enough, you didn't try hard enough, you didn't make him listen.

 

[ChooksinChoppers]

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Guilt ....pure and simple. He cannot handle it and now that he is sick and maybe dying, he turns a blind eye to it...Not your fault..not one iota. Do what heals your heart!

 

[Beekissed]

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Therein lies the whole question of humanity . They are very good words to live by , but do I practice this belief to make a dying man feel smaller and worse than he already does ? That is my struggle . Do I vent out all of the wrong doings before he dies , or live with them for the rest of my life ? There is a fine line between love and loathe , and I'm trying to walk that tight rope . I just wish there was a magical soution . I just want to scream WHY!!!!!!

Go visit your dad...don't bother to call or try to talk about such important things on the phone. Realize your dad is who he is and probably didn't even think about how much it hurt you every time he was a no-show dad....some folks are just like that and are just living their lives the best they know how. He didn't do these things TO you, he just did them in the natural course of living his life...and you happen to get hurt by it.

Sit down and tell him how much it hurt and how much it still hurts. Tell him how much you loved him and still love him. Tell him you forgive him and tell yourself you forgive him even if you can't seem to do it in your heart right now. Keep saying it out loud, "Dad, I forgive you" every day. Follow these words with "God, help me forgive." You'll see...pretty soon you will feel some measure of peace about your dad and you can let him go without spending the rest of your life with regrets about never having said what you meant to say to the person you meant to say it to before it was too late.

Ask him if there is anything you can do for him....and then do it~kindness is something one never regrets, not really. Life is too short to nurse old hurts. When you hold them close and nurture them they just keep cutting you deeper and never allow you to heal. Wounds do much better when opened up and the poisons are allowed to drain out....only then will healing start.