I WAS A GREAT EXAMPLE of what NOT to do.what went wrong?LONG LONG

[justusnak]

OkieChick....I am so on the same page as you right now, with the kid makeing bad decisions.
See, I was raised...well...farm life..which was hard more times than not. I DO remember going to bed hungry...starting school in "last years clothes" Totally different life than what OUR kids had growing up. I sometimes think...maybe we give TOO much? We raised our children in a God fearing home. They knew love, and disciplin. They never went to bed hungry, or fearing if the morning would bring a "new home"
One of our sons...he is 24 yrs old...has a son, and a child on the way. Not married to this gal...but living together. They move from place to place...never knowing where thier next meal is coming from. We have "helped" them several times...so has his brothers. Offering food, shelter, money. It has come to a time, where we have all pulled the plug on the "money pit" You see, this son will NOT work...and when he does, its just long enough to get 1 or 2 paychecks. She will not work either. They depend on family and the state to raise thier child. Frustrateing?? Definately...I fear for my grandson...for his well being. ITs hard....holding back...not to "rush in and save them from thier decisions" Is this what they call " tough love" Wow, it is tougher on US, then them. Have faith Okie....they will one day see the light. I have to pray this is true..so I dont lose my mind as well.
You and your family are in my prayers. Gods speed...to heal your worrying heart.

 

[Scrambled Egg]

Kathleen, we can only do the very best we can do and after that we hae to let them make their own mistakes. We have spent our entire 21 year marriage putting our children first in every single way, sheltering them, christain schools most of their lives, teaching them good morals and to hopefully make decisions that do not harm other living things. My daughter is 20 and by all academic standards, brilliant...in all areas but one and we thought he had broken her heart enought imes that she would have finally moved on...your post is ironic that it coincides withmy husband and I getting up this morning with resolve to look the other way..she is home for spring break and has spent the past two days following this loser boy around like a love sick puppy. He has has cheated on her at least twice and will never have half the earning potential she will in life so supporting a family would be her responsibility, he is egotistical and controlling and the list of negatives is large. He is her first love and they were together two years when they finally split 6 months ago, now, like you, we are wondering how could this happen again when we taught her to be so self sufficient and strong....guess, like us, you have to sit back and hang on for the ride sometimes. We hate it, we are sad about it, no reasoning will work, arguing will only move her away from us, no parenting intervention of any kind will change this...guess there does come a point in the life of a parent when you just have to wait to be needed and we aren't right now. So, yes, I totally understand how you feel....sorry to say.

 

[okiechick57]

Quote:
thank you......your prayers mean so much to me... I am in the same place with my grandchildren and they may have to move away from me.right now it seems I am their only shelter from the storm the parents keep putting on these sweet kids..... I so want to just make them MINE.....but am not at the place I can do that............arghhhhh it is so hard isnt it....

 

[okiechick57]

Quote:
OH I know how hard it is to get tough........have cut off all help to one of my daughters for those reasons.....but now I may lose the ability to help the kids and that is the toughest part of all...breaks my heart.......as I know it must yours.......thank you for your kind and encouraging words,it really does help........ Heaven sounds better everyday !

 

[cockadoodlemom]

So sorry for all yalls pain and tears. I was the "goody two shoes" as my sister says and she was the child yall are describing. It was hard watching my parents be so torn up inside and there was nothing anybody could do to help them. They raised us the same and she still chose to go down very bad wrong way. My children are 14 & 9 and I pray everyday that they follow God. What I am trying to say is that no matter how good you teach them they are going to make their own decsions as my sister did and some other family as well. It's not what you did or did not teach them its what they choose to do. Hard lessons are learned the hard way. Hope I make sense. My prayers are with yall having trouble with your kids bad choices.

 

[Parson's Wife]

 

[Katy]

I know how you're feeling. I wanted to keep my kids from making the same dumb mistakes that I had made, but it didn't work. There are some things in life that a person just has to learn the hard way. When I look back on all my sleepless nights spent worrying about them and I know now that it didn't do one ounce of good for anybody....me or them!! The bright side is that they survived the dumb things they did and have grown up...finally....and are mature respnsible adults...32,29, and 26. The younger one gave me the least gray hair. I think she saw what her brothers put me through and didn't want to do that to me. Hang in there...the only thing we can really do for them is be there with a hug when they admit they need it and an encouraging word.

 

[WriterofWords]

I think this is an age-old question and dilemma and we'll be faced with it as long as we have parents and children. If you've honestly done your best, and you know it, then you have nothing to beat yourself up about. It's the parents who are horrible role models who need to look at themselves and ask what they could have done better. For some reason it seems as though children spend a good part of their lives doing the opposite of what their upbringing should have taught them. I have students whose parents are addicts, dealers, and all around trash, but the kids are turning out wonderful. On the other hand I have parents who have done their best to provide a good, secure, and safe, upbringing but their kids are in Juvie, or our alternative schools because of their behavior or crimes they've commited.
Be strong and trust that the example you've provided is deep-seated and they will turn around and be fine.
Pray for them too, and yourself. But stop beating yourself up, parents cannot be responsible for everything, bad or good, that their children do.
Kate

 

[BrahmaMama]

Okie, I'm so sorry you are hurting

I was raised by my grandma for several years, because of some bad decisions my mom made. Between her, and her sister-now one of my favorite aunts, they put my grandma through he**, and even as a young child, I hurt *for* my grandma. I think seeing some of the stuff I saw as a young child (though my grandma did try to shield me) helped me to make the decisions I made, and to become the person I am today. I have three young boys, and though my youngest, Gabe will probably always be with us, I worry now how what I'm doing will affect my older two as they grow, and move out into this world. Do I yell too much, am I too impatient, do I expect too much....but the best we can do is, do the best we can...I guess you can say, and just pray that they make the right decisions.

You are in my thoughts and prayers

 

[chickflick]

It's the parents curse. Remember when your mom yelled at you "I hope you have kids just like you when you grow up!"? What goes around comes around.
Honestly, you can only do your best. Kids think they know everything better than their parents. It's been true for lots of generations. It'll keep being that way for eternity. They have to learn from their mistakes... that's how they become the adults they are meant to be. Remember, God has plans for all of us.
I have been so blessed. I have 4 children that are beautiful adults. All have led good lives. I am so proud of all of them.
Sit down and talk to your kids, not at them. Tell them from the heart how you feel. Yelling doesn't help. Hope things get better for you. Remember, all you can do is be there for them to help them thru their mistakes. God Bless.....