Is she mean to me on pourpous? (CALLING ALL MOM'S Advice needed)

[PineappleMama]

Quote:
Isn't that kind of sad? That's me as well... it wasn't until AFTER I had kids, married, MOVED OUT, that I STOPPED getting heartburn/ulcer, muscle spasms and migraines that had been plaguing me since I was 12... coincidence? I think not. Is it just me or is anyone else like WHOA over how many OTHER folks have lunatic moms?

I have no clue how old you are, but "I'll even be your auntie" totally speaks for me as well. I'm a great aunt... I'm the crazy aunt that rolls around in the floor with the toddlers and thus invites committal hearings from my in laws... but still... if you need a crazy, but not in a psycho kind of way, aunt I'm happy to fill in. I'll even tell you where I stash the chocolate.

 

[ranchhand]

They are my mother/sister/dad/aunt/uncle/cousin/etc and I love them because of that. NOBODY ever said I had to LIKE them. I just live my life as I think it should be, and I don't pay them any mind. Took me years to figure it out.

 

[PineappleMama]

Quote:

EXACTLY!!! I was telling my dad about some of my sis's (not his DD) stunts and said "I love her, but I don't like her much" and he said "I'm writing that down" I couldn't believe he'd never heard it before. Honestly, there are a few relatives that if they weren't blood I'd never speak to them. As it is I speak to them only when I want to, not at their command anymore... lot saner around here since.

 

[Mrs. Green Thumbs]

I have to say thank you to each and every person that responded to this topic. I am working on being stronger with her step by step. I am saying no when she tried to con me into cleaning her house or run her errands or when she is forever trying to talk me into having my partner go take care of her honey do list. I am working very hard on keeping my priority's in perspective and that is me, my step son, my DH, and the positive influences in my life. My mother was the only bio-parent I ever knew and I idolized her. Of course that was when I was a child and now I am coming to a point in my life where my choices are my own.

My mother ... ugh my mother.... as a child she had no time between meth, being drunk and men for me. Now that she's settled down and married a man that makes LOT's of money she see's the close loving relationship between my cousin's and their mother's (her sister's) and I know that her jealousy over their relationship's is the motivating factor in her sudden interest in me. She has NO IDEA who I am or what has happened in my life but of course she believes otherwise. She believes that because I came from her that I MUST be like her. I honestly don't care what motivated her to want to have a relationship with me. I waited my entire life for her to care, to have time, to WANT me and as soon as I began letting go of that and moving on she suddenly want's my attention and my time.... of course it's always to do something for her or her husband (that has no interest in me other than avoiding having to help me). Sometimes I wounder if I'm pushing her away for my best interest or as a means of punishing her for all the year's and years and years of pain and rejection she piled on me. I feel like a bad daughter because I no longer dote on her the way I used to, I feel like an awful daughter for wanting to move as far away as possible from her just to have some peace of mind, I feel like a jerk for wishing she would stop trying to tell me how to live my life and what to do and where to do it and how to dress and what I should eat... I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MY SELF I had to do it all my life long and now, NOW that I'm grown she want's to treat me like I'm a child all over again... I feel like a horrible daughter for yearning to scream "I DON'T need or want your advice any more! I hate the kind of person you are! I'm not to proud to take your money I'm just not a materialistic person I strive to be the most giving and selfless person I possibly can in order to be as least like you as possible!"

She want a relationship with me but she refuses to discuss any issues we have or any mistakes she may have ever made. If I cry she tells me I'm being a weak ..... you can fill in the blank. If I try to bring up any subject that is negative about what she may be guilty of she automatically attacks me. There is no growth possibility in my eyes in her eyes I am the one who needs to change to accommodate her. My grandmother (her mom) understands my position and supports my stance even though she loves her daughter she has seen first hand how much my mom has hurt me. Grammi say's maybe in 10 year's she will be able to see thing's the way they are. Maybe it will never happen and she thinks I should be ready to accept that. IDK... honestly I don't call her I don't visit but once a month and if I can avoid that then I do. Once again thank you all for your support, this is an on going issue that has effected my entire life and every part of who I am as a person so I don't expect to wake up and suddenly it's all ok... this will take time... this will take grace and this will take guts. Thanks again.

 

[ducks4you]

Quote:
Ditto.
Relationship are "AC", like alternating current. They exists only when they are a two-way street. You only owe your mother the respect of acknowledging her. You HAVE been mistreated by her, but a lot of people are. I am 52, and my mother has ALWAYS has played favorites, and I am not her favorite.
MY personal "revenge" was to raise my family the right way. We all say please and thank you. We all celebrate successes, and have a shoulder ready for failures. We give each other TIME and HOPE.
It sounds like your mother is a lost soul, but those are the choices that she made. It is a shame that she doesn't value you, but you deserve being valued.

 

[ranchhand]

Mrs. Green Thumbs :

I have to say thank you to each and every person that responded to this topic. I am working on being stronger with her step by step. I am saying no when she tried to con me into cleaning her house or run her errands or when she is forever trying to talk me into having my partner go take care of her honey do list. I am working very hard on keeping my priority's in perspective and that is me, my step son, my DH, and the positive influences in my life. My mother was the only bio-parent I ever knew and I idolized her. Of course that was when I was a child and now I am coming to a point in my life where my choices are my own.

My mother ... ugh my mother.... as a child she had no time between meth, being drunk and men for me. Now that she's settled down and married a man that makes LOT's of money she see's the close loving relationship between my cousin's and their mother's (her sister's) and I know that her jealousy over their relationship's is the motivating factor in her sudden interest in me. She has NO IDEA who I am or what has happened in my life but of course she believes otherwise. She believes that because I came from her that I MUST be like her. I honestly don't care what motivated her to want to have a relationship with me. I waited my entire life for her to care, to have time, to WANT me and as soon as I began letting go of that and moving on she suddenly want's my attention and my time.... of course it's always to do something for her or her husband (that has no interest in me other than avoiding having to help me). Sometimes I wounder if I'm pushing her away for my best interest or as a means of punishing her for all the year's and years and years of pain and rejection she piled on me. I feel like a bad daughter because I no longer dote on her the way I used to, I feel like an awful daughter for wanting to move as far away as possible from her just to have some peace of mind, I feel like a jerk for wishing she would stop trying to tell me how to live my life and what to do and where to do it and how to dress and what I should eat... I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MY SELF I had to do it all my life long and now, NOW that I'm grown she want's to treat me like I'm a child all over again... I feel like a horrible daughter for yearning to scream "I DON'T need or want your advice any more! I hate the kind of person you are! I'm not to proud to take your money I'm just not a materialistic person I strive to be the most giving and selfless person I possibly can in order to be as least like you as possible!"

She want a relationship with me but she refuses to discuss any issues we have or any mistakes she may have ever made. If I cry she tells me I'm being a weak ..... you can fill in the blank. If I try to bring up any subject that is negative about what she may be guilty of she automatically attacks me. There is no growth possibility in my eyes in her eyes I am the one who needs to change to accommodate her. My grandmother (her mom) understands my position and supports my stance even though she loves her daughter she has seen first hand how much my mom has hurt me. Grammi say's maybe in 10 year's she will be able to see thing's the way they are. Maybe it will never happen and she thinks I should be ready to accept that. IDK... honestly I don't call her I don't visit but once a month and if I can avoid that then I do. Once again thank you all for your support, this is an on going issue that has effected my entire life and every part of who I am as a person so I don't expect to wake up and suddenly it's all ok... this will take time... this will take grace and this will take guts. Thanks again.

Don't let her get you down. Serene, peaceful thoughts headed your way.​

 

[chicmom]

Quote:
I second that!

 

[Miltonchix]

Quote:
I second that!

I third it!

My wife at one time was ........................HUGE! WAY HUGE! Not once did I give her a hard time about it. I didn't marry just the outside. Today, on her own, she is 175 lbs lighter, and I DO let her know about that! She looks great and feels much better. But had I nagged her...........she'd probably still have that extra 175lbs and be a nag herself.

 

[PineappleMama]

Mrs. Green Thumbs :

I waited my entire life for her to care, to have time, to WANT me and as soon as I began letting go of that and moving on she suddenly want's my attention and my time....

Hmmm... okay.. theory...

You finally quit catering to her, begging her, walking on eggshells, and basically treating her like royalty to get her love... and then suddenly she notices... perhaps what she misses is the adoration... the UNCONDITIONAL love that you had for her... a willing servant who she didn't even have to be nice to? I know mine didn't care for not having me available to whine to at 3am...

2nd... Married a normal person? Maybe HE's the one that's pointing out that she should be a good mother? Or, maybe she just thinks he should be seeing her as one... if he sees her true colors perhaps she worries that he'll dump her? I know mine certainly rewrote history to make her seem like a saint... when the reality... well, family site so I'll just say less than saintly.

Just a couple of theories, feel free to disregard, but one or both might be contributing. I'm a firm believer than until you know WHY you can't stop an action... until you know it's an allergy you'll just keep on eating those peanuts and getting sick... until you know it's the rat fink mail boy you won't know why your boss isn't getting your memos and is mad at you... etc. Until you know WHY an action (or reaction) is happening you'll never be able to prevent it. Not likely she'll be forthcoming, hasn't up 'til now... but looks like you're already on the road to the WHYs of your own reactions, and that's a great thing... not many have the courage to look within... most prefer to look outside themselves for the reason/blame for their actions.

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