Marriage, Blended-Family, Special-Needs Kids, Farming (UPDATE)

[Carols Clucks]

Have you thought about looking for a summer camp for kids with autism?

It might give you and hubby some time to both relax and work on the issues with out the pressure and frustration that being the caregiver involves.

 

[MyKidLuvsGreenEgz]

That's a good idea. Thanks.

 

[MyKidLuvsGreenEgz]

Had a telephone discussion tonight about what we want to put on our agenda for our next telephone discussions. I.e. what problems do we want to solve. We're taking baby steps.

We were told to read "fighting for your marriage" before our first session. Therapist didn't even mention it. THAT ticked off hubby.

After a mild telephone discussion with NO YELLING, we did agree that we are NOT separated and because the therapist kept insisting it, she's an idiot and I'm gonna request a different therapist.

He agrees that he, me and his mom need to sit down and discuss her feelings towards me and my son. In return, he wanted to discuss things with my sisters which didn't make sense. He was still ticked about the way they treated me last fall but we (me and sisters) had resolved that months ago so he's ok not having a bg serious talk with them.

Other things we plan to discuss:

- Who's first: child or spouse... when, where, why, etc.

- Parenting in blended families and special needs kids (find parenting classes)

- Hubby going to more of Son's therapy appointments

- Two autistic kids have gone missing in this area the past week. He wants a transmitter for Son and dog when we get one. Agreed.

- weekend chores, who can relax when, etc.

- private time / sex

- communication

- level the playing field (not sure what he meant but we'll get into it)

Sounds positive, right?

 

[punk-a-doodle]

That sounds very positive! And the summer school idea is a great one. Gives your son time for positive human interaction outside of you, and gives you time to relax a bit.

I'm not sure which kinds take actively suicidal kids though, even if they are geared towards your sons other needs, but there are some wilderness therapy programs that do. Probably the animal therapy programs do too.

 

[SourRoses]

A camp geared towards autism would have plenty of professionals on site to deal with any problems that might or might not arise.

That really was a great idea! Maybe spending so much time around other kids with similar issues along with the fun of a camp will boost his self esteem!

 

[Mattemma]

My kids come first,but I do try to ensure dh has all that he needs. My dh is gone more than home so the home is all on me as is the raising of the kids. I do not consider it a seperation because dh is gone.That is just how our life together is. I am OK with that,because he works outside the home to support us all. I would be annoyed if I had to work too,and then had to do all the home/kid stuff...then watch dh relax when he is home. I do send dh on errands when he is home,but I let him have *his* time for the most part.

Definitely switch therapists if yours is not clicking for you. Everyone needs to vent their issues,because when you don't then after a while the dumbist things cause a huge fight.

Unwind with dh at night when the kids are sleeping.A glass of wine and chatting about various subjects is always nice.Shoot,even just being together watching a movie is nice.Dh and I almost sperated once.It was over dumb stuff that got out of hand.Looking back I am embarrassed about it.If you care about each other things can be worked on.Even if you seperate things can be still be good. It is not the end of the world to divorce if that turns out to be the best option.When my mom seperated from her spouse they actually got along better after the divorce.

Sounds like your dh might have a hard time understanding the issues with your son,and that they really are medical issues.It was not so long ago that the behaviors we deal with medically now where considered just a *child acting bad*,and maybe that is what he is seeing/reacting too.

Bad mistake on his part to tell you what his mom thought of you.Even if you work things out you will have this issue with your MIL.Best to just tell MIL that her son told you what she felt about you,and that you wanted to talk about why she had those feelings.

 

[sfw2]

Just the fact that you guys had a long discussion, without yelling, is a huge step forward. It sounds like you both are making an effort, and that maybe you've both just been incredibly frustrated with things the way they were.

I hope things continue on this track.

 

[mom'sfolly]

I think its great that you are talking.

I think with the intimacy thing, men and women are very different. With men in is more body, less emotion and with women it is the opposite, in general. This means that when a women is carrying a bunch of anger and resentment or just irritation from the day or weekend, she isn't interested. A guy just doesn't get that, he's interested even when he is angry or resentful. So, weekends when you are together, he is sleeping in, resting and interacting with the family. He sees himself as supporting the family, and having a positive day. He feels fine and frisky. You see yourself doing all the chores that could have been shared, you see him riding your kid for little things, and you feel angry and resentful. At bedtime you have very different expectations. Sitting down and talking about this will help, I think.

I think families are complicated. My dh does almost every chore that I ask, but I must ask. This makes me absolutely crazy, but it makes him comfortable. It irritates me that he cannot see what has to be done and just do it. He wants things planned out, and to be told. It makes him feel like he knows the priorities and schedule. The compromise that works for us is scheduled chores, and when we have big jobs, I tell him what needs to be done. Not my ideal, but it works. You need to find the compromise that works for you.

I think that rest and relaxation on a weekend has a place, but one part of a couple doesn't get to do that at the expense of the other. Yes he works all week, but so do you. On the flip side, it isn't much fun being away from home all week and having nothing but chores for the weekend.

I had friends in a similar situation in terms of working apart and being together on the weekends. They had a single child together. They had very different expectations of how weekends should work. The guy had been away all week in a lousy apartment, he wanted to relax at home and do things with his family. He had spent the entire week eating out, and wanted to stay at home. The woman had been home all week, doing the running chores with their kid, housework and her job, eating with the kid at home or grabbing fast food. She wanted to go out, have some time without the kid, and get the big jobs done. He didn't want to do big jobs, or even mow the lawn, and he was pretty tired of eating out. They are divorced now. Too much time apart, too much of their time together spent in conflict. It just got to the point where both of them found the time apart easier and happier than the time together.

I hope you have better luck. I think you are taking the right steps with talking and counseling.