Rant About Ex...

[amyc]

OK - sorry BYCers, but I just gotta get this out or my head is going to explode!

My ex-H and I divorced, was final in late 2008 - but we've been separated for approx 2 years now. I have 2 sons (ages 10 & 7) - the 10 year old is not biologically my ex's and ex was raising 10 year old as his own until the divorce started. When my 10 year old found out he wasn't ex's bio. child - he wanted to know who his real dad was. Real dad has made some bad decisions, and is now a guest of the State of TX - but his parents are good people, so we got in contact - have been letter writing and phoning for approx a year and we're leaving Saturday to go visit.

I'm taking my 7 year old DS because this is a family vacation - its the only one I get this year, and honestly between kids and animals and work - its hard to get away. Besides the biol. grandparents have been great, and have worked to include my 7 year old.

So my ex sends me a text today saying that 7 year old doesn't want to go, it would be best if he stayed. I blinked a couple times, started typing a nasty text back - but before I could send it I got another one telling me that my 7 year old doesn't even know these people - so what's the point. I decided against the nasty text and sent back that its our vacation - and none of his business.

He then sends me another message about how I can screw (I'm trading out words to make it more family friendly) up my own kid with those losers - but don't bring 7 year old into it. Now I'm getting upset and I send him a message telling him to stop texting me.

So what does he do? He sends me another message - saying he's looking out for DS's best interests, and there's no reason for DS to know these people. I had had enough and called and left him a voicemail telling him that it was MY vacation, MY time with the kids, HE chose to walk out, HE doesn't get a say anymore - and if he keeps bugging me, I'm going to pursue harrassment charges (I work for lawyers, very handy). And then I shut my phone off for the rest of the day.

Aargh!! I thought when the divorce was final, this would stop. Oldest DS's grandparents are very nice - and I think its important for youngest DS to know them - after all we're all family.

Now I know why youngest DS has been complaining about going... Think someone has been putting bugs in his ears about what a horrible time we'll have.

Thanks for listening. I do have to say I was proud of myself for never sending nasty texts or voice mails - I think the counseling has finally paid off!!

 

[H2OKarensa]

Good for you!!!
Standing your ground.

Now I don't have kids and I'm only 30 so my opinion may not be worth much, but the way I see it, your two boys probably should be thinking of themselves as family to one another. They are fairly close in age and no matter what adults come in and out of their lives, they will always rely on one another.

Sooo, keep them together. One boy's family is another boy's family. Dysfunctional as that may be, it will at least keep everyone singing off the same piece of sheet music!

 

[Sillystunt]

well, he must care for your son and that's why he said this. BUT he has no say! Your oldest son has the right to know his roots even if the EX(hint hint) doesn't want him to or even want the 7 year old to go.

Your 7 year old will have to deal! Your mom and he's a kid. He should feel happy for his brother. Sounds like EX is dropping stuff in his ear or maybe the 7 year old is kinda scared. Gotta think like a 7 year old, new family, not his, feeling odd, unsure, etc

Make the 7 year old go, if you don't he will know he can call dad to get out of something he doesn't want to do.

it's a family vaca so by golly darn it , the whole family is going! LOL GEESSSHH i think that is for my family and just came out...lol 16 year old never wants to go anywhere with us~

Hummm aren't EX's GREAT....

 

[featherbaby]

Your family is You and Your Two Boys. Do what's best for YOUR family and don't listen to ANYONE else. I facilitate a group of women who are struggling with Co-dependency and hear similar stories all the time. When ex's continue to try and run your life, they are trying to "control" you. If they are ex's they no longer have the legal or moral right to do that. The only way they can control you is if you let them. And that includes letting them control your actions, blood pressure and emotional health.

They are playing a game with you. And the only way to WIN the game is NOT to play it. Not answering the phone was a good start. Keep up the good work, and keep talking to your boys. When they are older and understand more about the games men/women play, they will remember that you chose the loving, sane way to run your family.

My prayers are with you.

 

[bheila]

For a second there I thought you were writing about my Ex

Do exactly what you think is best and

your Ex. He's trying to use your 7yr old against you to cause problems. Have a great time

 

[amyc]

Thanks guys - my 7 year old is definitely going, I've already got the plane tickets. Plus we're going to be doing fun stuff like going to an air force base to see planes, a gator farm, swimming, horseback riding.

I know we're not the "normal" family, but we're a family - and the biological grandparents are part of that. I have almost no extended family (two sisters and a dad - who I end up being a parent to) - so its nice for the kids to have grandparents.

I'm trying my best to keep my cool now - the boys are home and I don't want them knowing mom's upset. I try my best on my end to shield them from any conflict. I ordered some chicken wings and pizza, and there's one more slice of cake with my name on it - where would I be without comfort food??

The best part about all of this - he used to accuse me of being controlling! My how the tables have turned.

 

[chicken_china_mom]

I read your post and I had to say that I went through a similar experience with my ex when we split up. We were never married, but he has been causing headaches for years. Shortly after we split up, I decided my girls and I needed a fresh start, somewhere new, where there would be work, and living would be more affordable. Since I have a friend in Kentucky and she was always telling me how great it was there, I decided to start doing some searching of the Paducah area. I went down, applied for a job, searched the area, etc. Then my older daughter who was five at the time starts telling me that she doesn't want to move to Kentucky, but she wouldn't say why. I gently pressed the issue and finally she says she doesn't want to go because there were snakes and bears and mountain lions there. Well, I knew who had told her this, but before I asked her and got verbal confirmation, I sat her down at the computer and showed her where the "dangerous animals" that she was so scared of, really lived. Once I had her fears relieved, I asked her who had told her those animals were there. Of course, she said daddy! Oh, I went after him. I snapped at him about telling her lies, and he had the nerve to say to me that he thought she would be better off living with him if I was going to move out of the state. I told him he'd burn in hell before I'd EVER let one of my kids live with him. Now, the difference here is that BOTH of my kids have the same father, my idiot ex just likes to play favorites. He has always alienated my younger daughter. My girls are now 10 1/2 and 9 1/2 and instead of moving to Kentucky, we moved to Indiana. I wanted my children away from him as he is NOT a good influence. I feel for you with what you are going through with your ex. I've been there, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it will be an ongoing issue for the two of you, possibly for the rest of your lives because you share something in common-a son. It's a shame that he has to alienate your older son after raising him as his own for so long. I hate that your older son has to lose his "dad" like that. All I can say is don't let him get to you. It's a sneaky technique and if you keep an even temper, and stay aware of the petty behavior an absent parent can, and WILL pull if they are immature, your son will grow up knowing that you only looked out for his best interest and didn't give in and have unnecessary fights over him. Kids remember things long after we forget them. My younger daughter dislikes her father for many reasons, but it primarily dates back to her father picking fights with me when we were still together, and trying to get between us and push him away to protect me. She has always been my little protector. She remembers things he said from as young as two years old. Even when you try to hide it from them. I took a more logical approach. I discuss things with my children. I discuss how I feel about things, how they feel about things, and even how their father might feel about things. When my daughter first told me that her father had told her those things, I explained to her that daddy might have said them because he didn't really know what kind of wild animals there were in Kentucky. Well, she sure went back and TOLD him what animals there were! My prayers are with you. Be strong, it isn't easy, but your sons are what are most important here, not your ex's petty behavior. And kudos to you for not sending the nasty texts! I was way too compliant when we were still together, but I sure grew a backbone once he was out of the picture, and he hates that! If he gets me mad now, he avoids me and calls my mother instead cause he doesn't like for me to stand up to him! He'll take it from my mother, but for some reason, not me! It's amazing how we change once we are on our own again. Good luck and best wishes to you and your kids!

 

[CMV]

Quote:
You may not have children, but you have some sensible advice worth listening to.

 

[amyc]

My little one confirmed that dad had told him about the scorpions and spiders and snakes in TX - so we had a long talk about there being dangerous stuff all over (I've either set him straight - or got him so terrified that he'll never leave the house).

I know it'll all work out, this is just a little game he has to play. I guess I was optimistic that once the divorce was finalized and all the issues were settled that we could act like adults. No such luck - it just came out recently that he told the kids he doesn't attend any of their school events because he doesn't want to be in the same room with me. And he wonders why the kids have to go see their counselor every month??

 

[jjdward]

As far as being "normal" there is no such thing. All families are screwed up some way or another. So do what you want and I hope you have a great time!