Some days are just not so great any more

[erinszoo]

Don't mean to whine but it's just hard some days to keep going as if everything is fine and is going to be fine. We are and have been for a long time, mostly a one income family. I gave up my career when we were early on married to take care of our son who is autistic. At the time insurance wouldn't cover any help or therapy or anything. Only problem is my husband has never kept a job for long. Four years is the longest he's done anything. The trouble is he doesn't seem to have any desire to find work either but he does help around the house, he takes care of the chickens, and helps out a lot in the garden, etc ... And all of that would be great if we had a farm and could make some income from the birds or garden but the last time I checked the city wouldn't take eggs, lettuce, and rabbit meat for their bill.

I just keep going on and on and on working harder and harder to make our garden productive and come up with frugal meals and cost saving habits around the house and pretending it's all good. But the reality is, I'm tired of struggling so hard for so little. I can't do anything that I really find enjoyable because it takes so much energy to just get through each day keeping our heads above water. I work part time and have for ten years now cleaning people's homes even though I have a college degree. I don't make much and what I do make goes for paying bills. I haven't even had new clothes beyond socks and underwear for over five years now. Even my Christmas bonus's get spent on the household.

Going back to what I was doing before I got married isn't a reality because it is technology based and I would have to go back to school and do training to get back into it ... but I don't have the money to take the training. Plus it is a career that has no job security is our economy. Even my classmates from college that didn't take a break in work are struggling to keep employed right now. And changing to a different career would also require more education ... which would take money ... It just seems like a never ending loop of hopelessness.

Our son is in college now and does fine for the most part but still struggles from time to time. It doesn't help that he has the stress of having to live within what he gets from scholarships since we can't help him at all. And we haven't been able to buy him a car so he has to rely on others to get around which is not easy for him to do. We also have a 15 year old daughter who is now ready to drive among many other things.

I kept thinking all along that when my son was older and didn't need my one on one help so much, that I could go back to work, that I could have a career, that life would get better ... but now is that time and I find I'm just old and tired and used up and don't feel like I have anything left to offer.

Funny thing is ... most people who know me don't have any idea about the realities of my life. They see us with our birds and garden and say they're jealous of our greenhouse and recycling efforts in building our new chicken coop. One of my friends was jealous that my husband helped build our clay bread oven when she couldn't get her husband to help her with anything and messaged me asking how to get her husband to help ... and all I could think was "why would anyone be jealous of me?".

I feel like a duck in a fast moving stream ... feathers all smooth on top but feet paddling like mad under the water.

 

[fried green eggs]

I understand how you feel. I keep thinking we will see the light at the end of the tunel but, I had no idea this tunel was soo long. I have to remind myself when life starts getting me down that, it could be worse. So, just keep paddling, laugh at the storm clouds, dance in the rain, have faith and it will get better.

 

[erinszoo]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I got a little boost today as our neighbors, who we've been giving jellies and jams and eggs for years without any return, this morning left us a big bag of all of our jars with a beautiful card of appreciation and all the jars were filled with chocolates. What a surprise!

 

[happyfarmer325]

This post brought tears to my eyes and I am sure a lot of people are going through what you are. Not everyone makes the efforts you obviously have to create a healthy, sustainable, beautiful life for your family. It can feel impossible to carry the financial burdens and discouraging when one can only do so much with their backyard flocks and gardens - like you said, it does not pay the bills. Happy to hear of the acknowledgement from your neighbors, and I hope the universe smiles at you a bit more in the very near future. Sending positive energy from Central Oregon to North Central Oklahoma!

 

[Mattemma]

I can relate to having a college degree,and doing various jobs just to make ends meet.Having to update the degree just to get a job in the field.It is tough but you do a good job and get through it.Something will come your way.

Not sure what to say about the spouse.That is really tough when both don't work as hard as pobbile especially during these difficult times. I hope something will happen to make him change his ways,but until then you focus on yourself.Do what is best for you. I hope you find work that will bring you some happiness,or atleast some security.

Wishing you well.Hugs.

That was nice of the neighbor. I give mine eggs and sometimes they give me extra food they have.

 

[newfoundland]

How your story resonates with so many people around the world in these times. My mum told me years ago that she got through WW2 by doing one thing for herself every day. This can be something really small such as going to bed early with a good library book, or stealing half an hour to sit in the sun and do nothing. Please do this for yourself you deserve some tender loving care!

 

[erinszoo]

Thanks happyfarmer325, that's a beautiful quote to think on!

newfoundland - some days I'm able to get about 15 minutes before bed to read but even then I seem to get interrupted. I look like I have ADD or something but it's not me ... I'm just never able to be alone for more than 10 or 15 minutes without disruption which makes it hard to read a book or anything else. Lol, I can't even take a shower without someone knocking on the door to ask me something in the middle of it. It's better now that I only have one child at home. When we were foster parents and I had four kids, all with special needs, it was way worse. I have got to learn to do as your mum did and give myself some time each day or at least once a week.

 

[TacomaChickNMom]

Really sorry to hear that you are feeling down. Sometimes life can be a struggle, but for those who believe there is eternal reward. You have been a faithful, hardworking mother and wife, and you are blessed for it. Have faith and believe things will get better.

b]A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.