Bamabexchicks
Crossing the Road
Oh lord! My side hurts from laughing! I'm pretty sure I know the lady in the strapless bra! Heads up tho' those are her actual lips!Arizona as Snowbird country? Nope. I’m not even sure it’s right for critters with opposable thumbs! When the weather report every single night says there’s a severe heat warning, flashing in bright red all over the screen, and gives the advice for preventing (list litany of heat related emergencies here) as the lead stories, it would seem like sensible people would stick a meat thermometer in their arms and decide they were overdone.
But they don’t. They just stand in air conditioned buildings and share horror stories of melted asphalt, using potholders to handle their cars’ steering wheels, burning their legs on metal picnic table legs. And who in their right mind puts metal slides and swings on playgrounds in an area where there is no doggone shade? Kids can either wear jeans to play and bake or wear shorts and be sautéed. You’d think they’d figure out that human bodies can’t handle that kind of heat! Ha! Instead they bake cookies on their carhoods and post time lapse videos of it on Facebook. “But it’s a dry heat.” Yeah, well, so is an Air Fryer and I don’t want to live in one of those, either!
And there’s just something depressing about seeing a too-tanned, dried, wrinkled 85 year old woman in a pair of short-shorts and an orange striped tube top fanning herself in the frozen food aisle. You’d think someone would be kind and tell her that her heavily pencilled brown eyebrows have melted down her face to become an awesome mustache and her red lipstick now resembles a strapless bra, but they don’t. So she just stays there, fixated and fanning, and nobody wants to ask her to move so they can get to the Bird’s Eye frozen tofu. <sigh> Some cope with the heat by shopping in bikinis....how well that goes over depends on the wearer. The cantaloupe bins in the produce section can be eye opening at times.
See, Wyoming winters are the great equalizer. Everything is the same shape and color. Nobody notices the extra winter poundage. Everyone looks exactly the same and we just chalk it up to 5 layers of clothes and a winter coat and scarf. Kids on the playground are all multi-colored Oompa Loompahs and the only risk there is taking someone else’s kid home because you couldn't tell them apart. Shoot, we might not even realize the accidental kidnapping until the new kid sits down at the table that night and actually likes the meatloaf! But we don’t panic. Pretty soon there’ll be a knock on the door and our Oompah Loompah, identified only because he told his temporary parents that he loved the liver ‘n onions, will be returned.
Hairdos are another thing nobody worries about. If the hair isn’t hidden under a wooly hat with a football team logo on it, then it’s just as windblown as any other uncovered head. There are no white, or, blue, or red fancy cars in Wyoming in winter....every car is the same dingy brownish gray color, with ice mud flaps clinging to the wheel wells. Most of the time you can only tell which car in the Walmart parking lot is yours by clicking the key transmitter, and even then you might not see it because the lights are also painted over in Wyoming brownish gray. Ear muffs keep you from hearing the “beep” too. So that is mostly a trial and error endeavor. Um, just for the record, people get a lot more upset about you messing with their cars than they do you stealing their kids.
I’ll take Wyoming. Yes, it’s cold and windy and snowy. But slap on another layer and it’s doable.