~*~The RP Restoration/Revival/Restart/ Advice/Advertisement/Chat Thread~*~

[Gertrude McFuzz]

It's not a RP, But I was wondering if you could take the time to check out my new Story? I'm not sure if its any good so I need opinions, if you could, it would be great.

'Course I'll look at it.

 

[Gertrude McFuzz]

All right. It's critiquin' time.

I think the concept is cool. I like Hughes. I like that you left off at a cliffhanger. I like the Greek letter names for quadrants. I like the names of the ships.

Now, there were some grammar mistakes (run-along sentences, things that shouldn't be capitalized being capitalized, lack of paragraphs, moving from first to second person, and moving from present to past tense). I'm curious as to why Bree didn't seem upset by the death of her companions. I don't think Bree should have kicked her gun away. It's one thing to put it down, but a) it puts her at a serious disadvantage and b) As the Rifleman's creed says:
This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine.
My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
My rifle, without me, is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will...
My rifle and I know that what counts in war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count. We will hit...
My rifle is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weaknesses, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will keep my rifle clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other. We will...
Before God, I swear this creed. My rifle and I are the defenders of my country. We are the masters of our enemy. We are the saviors of my life.
So be it, until victory is America's and there is no enemy, but peace!

So you don't mistreat your rifle, basically.

All in all though, I think it's a cool story. I'm just a critic.

 

[BreeJH]

Ill look through it for the mistakes.
And Bree wasn't upset by their deaths, because they had been trained in the past so if a situation like this arose, they would of course feel sadness, but if they had a mission to complete, they would just pass on by, and however wrong that may seem, it plays out later in my story, and as for the gun, Bree doesn't see a point in keeping it when she's up against ten soldiers pointing guns at her, it wouldn't make sense.

 

[Gertrude McFuzz]

Ill look through it for the mistakes.
And Bree wasn't upset by their deaths, because they had been trained in the past so if a situation like this arose, they would of course feel sadness, but if they had a mission to complete, they would just pass on by, and however wrong that may seem, it plays out later in my story, and as for the gun, Bree doesn't see a point in keeping it when she's up against ten soldiers pointing guns at her, it wouldn't make sense.

Okay. What a lovely training session that must have been. Still, she wouldn't kick the gun, because you need to be good to the gun. (Personally, I would be ready to go down fighting. LOL)

 

[BreeJH]

Quote:

Okay. What a lovely training session that must have been. Still, she wouldn't kick the gun, because you need to be good to the gun. (Personally, I would be ready to go down fighting. LOL)

And of course, that is your opinion, but this is how i want to see my story play out. And I will of course have to make changes, but I am satisfied with it thus far.

 

[Gertrude McFuzz]

And of course, that is your opinion, but this is how i want to see my story play out. And I will of course have to make changes, but I am satisfied with it thus far.

Good for you!

 

[Gertrude McFuzz]

Sure! Give me a few days to work on it, and I'll post it here for you guys to critique. I'm going to model most of the ranks and rules off of my old RP, Run With the Pack, but I have to think through the introduction and plot first.

It's been a few days, Orps!

You're killing me here!!! Is it ready yet?

How about now?

Now?

Now?

Now?

Please?

 

[BreeJH]

Hey Gertrude, could you take a look at this? And could you correct any grammar mistakes, and tell me where i made them, and could you tell me what you think of it? I figured, i might as well try it, it's been on my mind to make for a while.

 

[Little Peep]

Hey Gertrude, could you take a look at this? And could you correct any grammar mistakes, and tell me where i made them, and could you tell me what you think of it? I figured, i might as well try it, it's been on my mind to make for a while.

Well, I am no grammar freak but you need to capitalize the I's because that is a Person, out of a Person Place thing or Idea. Just letting you know!

 

[Gertrude McFuzz]

Quote: The Rules are very simple.
No Cursing.
If you're going to argue, do it elsewhere.
Love or Marrige is allowed.
Keep it PG-13.
All BYC rules apply.
Whatever I say goes.
You can jump in and play, but you must provide at least a picture. It's a dangerous game, my friend, a very dangerous game that you're playing...
And the #1 Rule! Have Fun!

The Town of Slove: It's a small town near a lake, and there are two princes, two princesses, a king, queen <––Only old fairytales capitalize the titles like that. , and servants, there are and villagers. All of these can be made, just keep it realistic <–– I would put that in the rules if I were you, and I would prefer that if you're playing royalty they are not cruel and ruthless, they are helpful and they treat everyone fairly. I am reserving one prince for myself. The Castle is on a hill overlooking the town. I'm under the impression that if the royal family is here, it's the capital city. Therefore it would not be a small town.