Why do most people marry?

[australorpchick]

I don't know your friends, but what I'm reading doesn't sound like problem marriages, but problems in communication. Have your friends sat down and had an honest talk with their husbands (using Man-English, not Woman-English)? It drives me crazy when I hear women say "He should know!" DH & I are going on 17 years, what works for us is direct and to the point. I walk up to him, look him in the eye and say "I am not happy with you". Then I proceed to say about what and how it makes me feel. Short, sweet and then we work together on how to resolve it. Granted the cabinet doors never get shut and his dirty clothes will never make it into the hamper, at least they make it next to the hamper. In exchange, he puts up with all my pets and my family.

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Perhaps I am missing the point (or I'm just cranky), but I am starting to question why any woman gets married ever. Pretty much all of my married friends are worse off than before they married (and their husbands are way better off!!). From what I can tell, getting married for the woman means that the "I'll dote on you" years of having a boyfriend turn into having to do all the chores, raise the kids AND work a full time job, while the husband pretty much just goes to work and comes home to do his own thing. When the husband does randomly do some chore he expects a medal.

If it were just one friend or family member I would think that they got a dud, but it is pretty much every married couple of my generation. My parents' generation seems to be different. I went on a business trip this past week with a coworker and his wife (both in their mid-60s). The husband opened the car door for her both in and out, dropped us off at the door so we wouldn't have to walk in the freezing cold, carried her luggage for her (except for the lightest bag), got her coffee and snacks before he got his own, made sure that all her needs were seen to before his, and just generally was concerned about her welfare before he was concerned with his. (She also takes care of him in small, but consistently sweet ways.) In further talks I found out that their whole married life she has cooked the meals (she's a fabulous cook), but he has always done the dishes since she hates doing them. It was the sweetest thing watching them interact.

By comparison, a close friend is married to a guy that works 24 on/48 off. The other day she came home from teaching at 6pm (an almost 11 hour day at work) and had to run to the store on the way home to get ingredients for dinner. She dashed in the house with the three kids, got them started on baths and homework while she put together dinner and did some cleaning and started a load of laundry. She rushed around until she collapsed in bed at 10pm. Her husband? He had been off all day doing whatever and NOT doing chores. He's "scared" to wash the kids things. Supposedly he does the dishes, but she generally gets fed up with a sink full of dirty dishes and no clean dishes in the house and just does them.

She is not the only one. ALL of my friends do this. I fail to see why they don't kick their husbands tushes.

So I question why any woman in their right mind gets married. I'm old and single. I do all my cleaning and cooking and laundry. I do the yard chores or hire them done. I work a full time job and pay my own bills. If I got married apparently I would still have to do all that AND take care of all those chores for someone else too. The only benefit I can see is that marriage gets you is companionship and perhaps a little "loving", but there are other ways to accomplish both of those.

So other than the ephemeral "I luuuuvvvvv youuuuu" Valentine's day thing, I am beginning to question the whole deal. A boyfriend makes sense. A husband does not.

 

[silkiechicken]

That sucks for your friends.... I don't know how old you/your peers are, but it really does sound like a lack of communication or the culture?

I'm not married but of the few of my generation, born in the 80's, who are married, seem to have it pretty balanced. If one is a stay at home, they do home stuff... if they both work, they switch off on duties.

Nobody opens my doors, but I am not interested in that. Everything is carried for me, I get driven anywhere I want if I don't want to drive, served first, put up with and given a blank check for costco trips. I don't see this changing post paperwork. Perhaps I'm wrong, but if it does change, it'll be discussed. Speaking of which, the words "I Love you" have never been spoken between my SO and I the 7 years we've known each other. Words are cheap, actions are priceless.

Perhaps I am missing the point (or I'm just cranky), but I am starting to question why any woman gets married ever. Pretty much all of my married friends are worse off than before they married (and their husbands are way better off!!). From what I can tell, getting married for the woman means that the "I'll dote on you" years of having a boyfriend turn into having to do all the chores, raise the kids AND work a full time job, while the husband pretty much just goes to work and comes home to do his own thing. When the husband does randomly do some chore he expects a medal.

If it were just one friend or family member I would think that they got a dud, but it is pretty much every married couple of my generation. My parents' generation seems to be different. I went on a business trip this past week with a coworker and his wife (both in their mid-60s). The husband opened the car door for her both in and out, dropped us off at the door so we wouldn't have to walk in the freezing cold, carried her luggage for her (except for the lightest bag), got her coffee and snacks before he got his own, made sure that all her needs were seen to before his, and just generally was concerned about her welfare before he was concerned with his. (She also takes care of him in small, but consistently sweet ways.) In further talks I found out that their whole married life she has cooked the meals (she's a fabulous cook), but he has always done the dishes since she hates doing them. It was the sweetest thing watching them interact.

By comparison, a close friend is married to a guy that works 24 on/48 off. The other day she came home from teaching at 6pm (an almost 11 hour day at work) and had to run to the store on the way home to get ingredients for dinner. She dashed in the house with the three kids, got them started on baths and homework while she put together dinner and did some cleaning and started a load of laundry. She rushed around until she collapsed in bed at 10pm. Her husband? He had been off all day doing whatever and NOT doing chores. He's "scared" to wash the kids things. Supposedly he does the dishes, but she generally gets fed up with a sink full of dirty dishes and no clean dishes in the house and just does them.

She is not the only one. ALL of my friends do this. I fail to see why they don't kick their husbands tushes.

So I question why any woman in their right mind gets married. I'm old and single. I do all my cleaning and cooking and laundry. I do the yard chores or hire them done. I work a full time job and pay my own bills. If I got married apparently I would still have to do all that AND take care of all those chores for someone else too. The only benefit I can see is that marriage gets you is companionship and perhaps a little "loving", but there are other ways to accomplish both of those.

So other than the ephemeral "I luuuuvvvvv youuuuu" Valentine's day thing, I am beginning to question the whole deal. A boyfriend makes sense. A husband does not.

 

[HetaChick]

Um… well I don't know about you ladies and gents but I would never marry someone who didn't respect me to begin with. This isn't the past and I am a modern woman and I feel duties should be shared. After all you are a partnership… right? I feel (personally and not in a disrespectful manner to anyone posting) that I would have a hard time getting along with, let alone marry someone who felt gender roles should be adhered to. That of course is a matter of beliefs different to all of you out there. But for me, they bother me to my core. Male and Female are opposite sides of the SAME coin so why should I be a second class citizen or an fragile breakable object? You may open doors for me, I will open doors for you. It's respectful but I don't feel that demonstrates love. Respect yes, but any couple SHOULD respect each other anyway, should they not? That too much be mutual. Not just the man's job.

We are all of different ages, heritages, beliefs and traditions. I know that the person I both love and respect does not need to buy me diamond rings or material objects nor tell me things I "want" to hear, to make me love them. Or to get along. This actually seems to me, more linked to honesty and the will to cooperate and compromise when you don't see eye-to-eye. My SO and I were best friends FIRST and remain that way now. Yes, I am young and many 'experienced' people wouldn't hold my words to a grain of salt. No I have not been there, done that, and I don't want to. I want to learn from others mistakes because I don't think I could take some major betrayal. I don't want to be hardened to my emotions. I value my moral and beliefs as much as my emotional health. Many of you are very strong to withstand what you have been through, and I feel I would have buckled under some of those situations.

On another subject, I feel appearances and what people interested in you tell you when you first meet is very superficial and tailored. It reminds me of the way politicians prepare (or their writers) their speeches. So that it is…. PC so to say.

And so, it seems to me often people barely even know each other and get married. And, when they realize what the other person is really like, they clash and end up divorced. Obviously I'm not speaking for all break ups, but over all, this is what I see. You can't change people, and you are who you are. A few dates and a few deep conversations about the past or your favorite colors isn't knowing someone. You need time. Honest time and talks about everything you can think of. What about your beliefs, your ideals, your plans, your feelings on various subjects? I suppose not everyone holds this to be important, but if you clash on what is fundamental to you, how are you going to last few the years? Never lie to make yourself more attractive. It'll come up later if you're serious anyways.

Again I don't mean to criticize anyone I'm just speaking my mind here. I have been thinking about marriage and all that sort of stuff recently because of something my SO brought up. We really have something special we cherish and marriage is not on the plate for a good while anyways. Regardless I have been thinking about it and what is involved.



Please excuse typos and anything grammatically wrong. My pet chick keeps crawling over my keyboard and pressing keys; I have to keep moving her off.

 

[chickened]

All I will say is do not cling to tight to your ideas on what you think the future holds for you concerning marriage and especially children. Life has a way of changing your preconceived notions.

You said "You can't change people, and you are who you are" but you can change yourself for someone else' benefit.

Um… well I don't know about you ladies and gents but I would never marry someone who didn't respect me to begin with. This isn't the past and I am a modern woman and I feel duties should be shared. After all you are a partnership… right? I feel (personally and not in a disrespectful manner to anyone posting) that I would have a hard time getting along with, let alone marry someone who felt gender roles should be adhered to. That of course is a matter of beliefs different to all of you out there. But for me, they bother me to my core. Male and Female are opposite sides of the SAME coin so why should I be a second class citizen or an fragile breakable object? You may open doors for me, I will open doors for you. It's respectful but I don't feel that demonstrates love. Respect yes, but any couple SHOULD respect each other anyway, should they not? That too much be mutual. Not just the man's job.

We are all of different ages, heritages, beliefs and traditions. I know that the person I both love and respect does not need to buy me diamond rings or material objects nor tell me things I "want" to hear, to make me love them. Or to get along. This actually seems to me, more linked to honesty and the will to cooperate and compromise when you don't see eye-to-eye. My SO and I were best friends FIRST and remain that way now. Yes, I am young and many 'experienced' people wouldn't hold my words to a grain of salt. No I have not been there, done that, and I don't want to. I want to learn from others mistakes because I don't think I could take some major betrayal. I don't want to be hardened to my emotions. I value my moral and beliefs as much as my emotional health. Many of you are very strong to withstand what you have been through, and I feel I would have buckled under some of those situations.

On another subject, I feel appearances and what people interested in you tell you when you first meet is very superficial and tailored. It reminds me of the way politicians prepare (or their writers) their speeches. So that it is…. PC so to say.

And so, it seems to me often people barely even know each other and get married. And, when they realize what the other person is really like, they clash and end up divorced. Obviously I'm not speaking for all break ups, but over all, this is what I see. You can't change people, and you are who you are. A few dates and a few deep conversations about the past or your favorite colors isn't knowing someone. You need time. Honest time and talks about everything you can think of. What about your beliefs, your ideals, your plans, your feelings on various subjects? I suppose not everyone holds this to be important, but if you clash on what is fundamental to you, how are you going to last few the years? Never lie to make yourself more attractive. It'll come up later if you're serious anyways.

Again I don't mean to criticize anyone I'm just speaking my mind here. I have been thinking about marriage and all that sort of stuff recently because of something my SO brought up. We really have something special we cherish and marriage is not on the plate for a good while anyways. Regardless I have been thinking about it and what is involved.



Please excuse typos and anything grammatically wrong. My pet chick keeps crawling over my keyboard and pressing keys; I have to keep moving her off.

 

[sourland]

You can change yourself for someone else's benefit and also your own. I have done both.

 

[HetaChick]

You can change yourself for someone else's benefit and also your own. I have done both.

I meant more a long the lines of "don't expect to change someone else" and in regards to yourself I meant your core beliefs. Little habits and stuff can be changed but… iImeant more… inwardly. I suppose it can be done but I mean on average. I'm happy t hear you were able to


If I had children that does of course require adjustments on both sides of the marriage which is how it should be. Kids are new people with their own personalities and life. And then there's of course teenager, a good test to any marriage… (coming from an 18 year old… LOL.)

Over all what I meant by what I said, I suppose was to be honest with who you are and actively determining which kind of person meshes with you without either side having to make major changes to themselves. Perhaps it may result in a better union? I wouldn't know I haven't been married, but it seems a good marriage is a cooperative mixture of best friends who make good decisions and are able to work things out with each other combined with a relationship. Of course all relationships should be that way but marriage seems it would just be a more legally binding version. Like some people mentioned marriage isn't for everyone, but I do believe over all, especially when children are involved, it is at least more financially beneficial.

Again thank you for having patience with me. I have been reading this post for a while, it's given me a lot of food for thought.

 

[sourland]

HetaChick, your ideas are good!

 

[Knock Kneed Hen]

I married for the first time when I was 19 to someone I met over the summer. I was in love with the idea of being in love, I liked the attention I was getting since he was French and I was going to be living in Paris. Yeah, basically young and dumb. I discovered that my French husband was an alcoholic and not a nice one. After two kids I called it quits.

After being single for 7 years I felt like I wanted to find someone. I didn't want to grow old by myself. I already had children so that wasn't the reason. I met DH at work. I watched him for a long time before making my move! I really didn't intend on getting married. However, after two years together, I needed to know that he would make that ultimate commitment to me. I let him know that I was open to it (after having said over and over that I wasn't) and he soon after asked me to marry him.

For me it wasn't just about being legal..it was about knowing that he was willing to go that far. I don't know how to put it in words really. Sort of like, okay...you say you love me...now SHOW me! I felt more secure also about making important decisions with him. I would have never sold my house and bought another home with him if we hadn't been married. It was like we were in this long term relationship but the door was always a little open. I didn't like that feeling.

We weren't going to have kids. I was adamant about that! We have three more now.

I think you DO need to ask him what his intentions are. It's scary to move on, but if he's not wanting what you're wanting then you can't afford to spend more time waiting on him. You have sooooooo much to offer! Don't give him an ultimatum, just lay the cards out on the table. You have a decision to make...and yes, the clock IS ticking.

 

[Kelly G]

Is it for love? Or because they think the other person will make a good spouse? Or for other reasons? I am curious, enlighten me please...

If you met my husband you'd know why I married him.

He is the love of my life.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

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