After Brain Surgery - Hubby is going back to work... Update pg. 23

[magicpigeon]

Sending you and your husband my best wishes

 

[maybejoey]

 

[MeatKing]

I couldn't even imagine. I think you wise wanting to get your affairs in order. All the best to you

 

[CarolJ]

If you didn't plan ahead for the worst possibility, then you'd have even more to worry about. You're doing the right thing, and it will make you able to concentrate more fully on your husband. My situation is different - but there are some similarities. When my little granddaughter was diagnosed with cancer, I couldn't share my fear and anger and worry to the some people in the family because they couldn't handle my emotion - I had to find other ways to express what I was feeling. I had a private blog where I wrote out everything. It helped me. It's hard being the strong one. And even the strong one has to vent somewhere. (btw - almost three years later - granddaughter is doing great)

My prayers are with you, your husband and your entire family.

 

[gritsar]

 

[True Grit]

I'm a big believer in hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. It's just being a realist. Even so, I think the surgeons are so knowlegeable now that they can and will safely avoid the areas that could cause problems for your husband.

 

[xchairity_casex]

i will be praying for your husband and you!
but please dont feel bad about thinking about the whatifs. i used to do that i used to feel about when i would always think about the what ifs and you know what all it did was give me grief trying to stop.
so what i now do is i prepare and dont stop askign what if and you know i stop after im done with the whatifs when theres no more what ifs and think "Well its bad but ill jsut have to get it done and do it" or "ill jsut have to deal with this and elarn to live with it"

 

[redhen]

 

[sfw2]

 

[zzGypsy]

what a tough situation you're in. my heart goes out to you.

I've been through this several times with friends and friend's husbands. I've watched them fight for their life or their loved one's life, and fear death or the loss of a true love, and survive losses, and produce miracles. few things are as all-consuming, and no outcomes are guaranteed, no matter how much they wanted them to be. I've helped them fight, and grieve, and adapt, and celebrate.

where you are is a hard, scary place to be.

I don’t' know what you need, but I can offer you what I've learned from standing on the edge of those fires. I hope something here will be of use to you. some of it may suit you, some may not. take what's useful and disregard the rest.

the "it's not weird" part:
I understand about talking to strangers, sometimes sharing with close friends undoes me more than I am prepared to deal with. There are times when I can let them help and it can really change things for the better, really help me through, make the world a safer place. Sometimes what I need is empathy, but from not quite so close to the heart.

the "reassuring" part:
I have a good friend who had a tumor the size of an apple removed from her brain 10 years ago... the only issue she has is not being able to remember phone numbers and grocery lists unless she writes them down. your husband may come through this just fine, he obviously has lots of reasons to recover and heal, and motivation makes a big difference in how people do after surgery.

the "cover your bases" part:
I always feel better if I have a plan, if I've thought through and prepared for the possible outcomes of a situation. most of those plans are never needed, but I feel calmer knowing that I've thought things through and at least have a plan, just in case. If planning and preparing helps you to feel more in control and calmer, then do it. So what if you end up making plans for things that don't happen. having plans already made may help you in the future, but the act of planning may help you now.

the "pop psychology" part:
"focus on the positive" is not the same as "pretend everything is perfect" or "stick your head in the sand about things that could go wrong." you can defend against what might go wrong without obsessing and horible-izing about it 24/7. make your defenses, and then put your "focus", the majority of your time and energy, on producing the positive outcomes and enjoying the moments that you have right now.

the "being strong" part:
it's good to be strong for your kids, but if they understand the situation at all, they're scared. it's ok for them to see that sometimes you're scared too. It's important for them to know scared is normal, sad is normal, and that they can be scared and sad, and still be strong, still function. If they only ever see you strong, they may feel there's something wrong or weak about them for feeling frightened. they may feel guilty for not feeling as strong as they see you acting. they need to know they can talk about being scared or sad, and it's ok, that they can talk about "what if", that it's not a forbidden subject. they learn from what they see you do. scared and sad is part of what you all have to manage right now, letting them see you managing it sometimes helps them to do so also. be strong for them, but be real for them too. sad together, and scared together is part of the bond we share as family, just as much as being strong together. of course, save the big breakdowns for when they're not there so they don't have to fear losing you too. but letting them see you experience and manage your fear gives them permission and a guide for doing so also.

The "appropriate boundaries" part:
As for not upsetting your in-laws and parents, upsetting them won't break them... under the circumstances I think you demand too much of yourself in protecting the entire world from experiencing any distress. you're in great distress, the people around you, those who love you, can and should support you. if they demand you never ruffle their world, even at a time like this, it's time to spend less of your life with them, and less energy on them. you have more important priorities than protecting them from dealing with reality. it's not your job to make their world immune to disruption.

The "big girls don't cry" part:
Sometimes a good cry is just the thing to release the distress and pent up energy of trying to control what is not within your capacity to change. I cry better alone than with witnesses, perhaps you do too, so find a time and a place when you can let go and let it out. Then take a breath, wash up and do what needs doing.

Sometimes doing something physical helps... run, go to the gym, dig up the yard, split wood, scrape off old wallpaper... something you can do with your body, something that is physical work, something that makes you sweat. it gives the energy a place to go when you cannot fix the things you desperately want to fix. When my world is coming apart, I remodel... scrape wallpaper, knock down walls, move fences, dig out hedges... it gives my anger at the situation and the need to change things a place to go. I've been asked "how can you redecorate at a time like this?" and the answer is, because if I don't do SOMEthing I'll explode, implode, go crazy, have a nuclear meltdown, come undone. I may not seem sensible or important to those observing, but it keeps "insane" at bay. And sometimes burning off some of that energy allows my head to clear, and I'm able to see what really needs doing more clearly.

The "things to hang onto" part:
Identify what you can control, and what you cannot.
Influence what you can, and let go of what you cannot.
Identify what's important, and let go of the rest.

What you can't know right now is how this will come out. you may get old and wrinkly with the man you love, or you may not. for this or any of a number of other reasons. it is not totally within your hands to make it be one way or another. just determine what you can control or influence and don't spend your energy on the rest.

Do everything you can to make it come out the way you want... plan, educate yourself so you understand the doctors and choices better, take care of your man and your family as best you can. make the appropriate plans for the possible outcomes, but don't waste your precious time with your husband by obsessing on what you cannot control.

Identify the things that matter - time with your husband, time with your kids, time to take care of yourself, planning as needed, learning, whatever you can do *right*now* that has value. time you cannot get back, spend it on what's important. and the rest of it... let it go, it’s not important, it can wait.

peace,
megan

edited because I can't type