After Brain Surgery - Hubby is going back to work... Update pg. 23

[Buugette]

I'm tired of family always being at me... I can't cry cause there is always someone around... our friends mean well, but just end up making me worse... so I turn to strangers who feel like friends to say what I have to say...

My dear sweet wonderful husband, who has never even had a cavity, will be having brain surgery sometime in October. He is only 45, healthy as a horse, except for this brain thing. Five years ago he started having seizures, which we found out about due to his 2 major car accidents. I was told he must have had an angel up his tush cause no man should have been able to walk away from those accidents.

It has been a long 5 years going from doctor to doctor, trying medication after medication, only to find out he is medication resistant. He lost his license due to his seizures, so I am the only driver in the house. We both work full-time jobs and have active teen-age (ish) children. Sleep has become non-existent to me these days. I toss and turn, listening to his every breath since finding out that he is having seizures in his sleep and we never knew it. They are silent seizures, like someone rebooting a computer.

I trust the doctors. I believe in the doctors. I know that they are doing all they can for him. I know that surgery may be the only way to give him a more normal life. We have been told the seizures will continue to get worse. I know all this, I am an intelligent person, I understand. BUT... this is my husband. This is the love of my life, the man I was to grow old and wrinkly with. This is the man that makes me laugh, makes me smile every time I think of him. I can't imagin life without him. What if he wakes up and doesn't know me? What if he forgets the kids?

I want him to be healthy. I want him to get well. I want him to be happy. But, I want him.

They are going to be operating so close to his memories and his speech center. Either one could be affected.

I have been in love with this man for over 20 years. I have been married to him for 16 years. We started as friends, he fell in love with me (I loved him from the first time I saw him), and now we are each other's lives.

I'm so afraid I want to scream. I can't cry, I can't show weakness, I have to be strong for the children, I have to be strong for my husband, I can't upset my in-laws or my parents. My friends mean well, but just keep telling me to be positive. I understand all that... but what if... just what if it doesn't turn out as it should.

I'm the type of person who has to look at all sides of the situation in front of me. My family and friends yell at me when I try to discuss what if. I have to have his insurance in place, his will in place, his power of attorney in place... just in case. I can't be caught blind sided, but this doesn't mean I am planning for the worst. I am planning for the what if.

Should I really be wearing my blinders and be the happy go lucky wife who knows in her heart that everything will be fine and he will be okay? Is that healthy? Is that reality?

My world will stop if something happens to him, but my will go on for the kids.

Bottom line is... I don't know how to live without him... I'm afraid to live without him. I'm afraid something will go wrong. I'm afraid all the time now. I cry on the inside while I smile on the outside. No one hears me screaming that its not fair... why him... its not about me... its about him, I love him. Sometimes it feels like everything is moving so fast around me, but looks like everything is moving in slow motion. I know your probably don't understand, I don't understand, but it is the strangest feeling.

I'm sorry to be rambling, but I greatly appreciate you reading.

 

[danielle82]

My dad had to have brain surgery a few years ago. Very Scary.
At first they said he'd never talk again, then they said he'd be able to talk, but with slurring, and just a day after that he was speaking w/out any slurring.

Go ahead and cry, I don't think your family would begrudge you that

 

[Glenmar]

 

[nanawendy]

Do what ever YOU need to do... I cleaned drawers... why?because that was the only thing I could control everything else was out of my hands. My 2 y/o son had brain surgery, to make room for an inoperable tumor. 18 years later he is still hanging in there, but it was the hardest thing I ever went through ...to that point. You HAVE to do what is right for you, It may be keeping a "happy face" for the others a the while crying inside. I could tell you I prayed a lot... which I did, but asked friends to do that as well. I did get into the process of it all. It sounds weird to say that but I educated myself as well. My sons surgeon said he goes to chapel before each surgery, that helped and my DH and I listened to

... Howard Stearn .... on the radio on the way to appts, @ UCLA. That's sounds shameful, partly ' because we're LDS but we needed to laugh and nothing would shake us out of the hole but this vulgar individual. We haven.t listen since, don't need to. But we did what we had to do to make it through.. You have to find that rope that will keep you from going under... We are here to listen if this is that rope.

and

 

[turney31]

I believe in miracles!

Prayers!

 

[heatherindeskies]

Your planning ahead is intelligent and responsible. It does not mean you expect to need a will... but you are prepared and now have less things to deal with if the worst happens. Let you husband know you love him but are afraid. he is too. Lean on each other, support each other.
You are in my prayers.

 

[HorseFeatherz NV]

I too try to look at things from all sides............and usually work on the "worst" that could happen first, once that is handled the rest is easy. Crazy to some folks, but for me it works.

 

[mulewagon]

Very good luck to you, hon.

And of course you need to plan for the worst. Being widowed would be bad enough, but being left with the kids and no insurance or will - why risk that if you don't have to? Your family may live by the banks of the Nile, but don't you move there!

 

[terrilhb]

My prayers are with you and your family.

 

[alohachickens]

My cousin went in for brain surgery, for a benign tumor near the spinal cord area - I guess it was a really tricky spot to operate on. That was about two years ago. We were so scared. The doctor did great. She did great. Now she has a beautiful baby daughter. We are all so happy for her.

Have hope, our prayers are with you.