Dealing with emotions of a botched kill

[SamLockwood]

I had do dispatch a sick young rooster this summer. He was so far gone intellectually I knew he wasn't even really conscious any more. And yet, part of me stull feels guilty because the first blow didn't totally put him down.

He twitched around a bit and breathed heavy and I had to hit him again with the hatchet before he went still. Intellectually I know it was just some automatic physical processes, but I still felt awful.

Keeping livestock isn't for the faint of heart, and the first time you have to put any animal down is never easy unless you're a sociopath (even if it's some asshole predator killing your beloved pets). I'm not sure it ever gets easier, except that sooner or later you get good enough at it the animal passes with a minimum of suffering.

 

[HenriettaPizzaNolan]

This. Exactly.

And this too.

This is a good idea.

If one of your birds should die from injury/sickness, save the carcass to practice on so you can learn how hard you will need to squeeze. No worries about the bird suffering, it can be just "a learning experience."

Thank you!!! And that's a really good idea. God forbid I have a hen die like that, but at least I could use her as a learning experience to prevent something like this from happening again.

 

[abpatchy]

Thank you all. This is all good advice. It seems I'm not the only one who has done this. It doesn't make the emotions any easier, but it is comforting to know I'm not alone.

I need to get better for the next time and maybe find a method that better suits my skills and comfort levels. I was thinking, and I may look into the kill cone with PVC cutters method. Beheading does make me feel the most comfortable because I know it's over for the chicken, so maybe this is a way I can do it without having to worry about my swing accuracy - especially with broomstick method likely being out of the question since my husband seems really against it. I do wonder how hard you have to squeeze the cutters though. Maybe I'll buy a pair and practice on some sticks and pieces of PVC.

After my horrible experience butchering for the first time I knew I had to learn. I found someone to show me how to kill and take care of the feathers etc in a more efficient way. I also got a cone. I am just using a sharp knife... they bleed out so fast and it's so gentle. It really is my method to butcher now.

 

[Robinator]

Today we processed our Rainbow Rangers. Typically my husband chops the heads off with an axe and we both process. He does it because he's stronger and also has accuracy from splitting wood since he was a kid. However, I mentioned to him that I feel I should also participate in the kill part so I have that skill. I wasn't confident in my accuracy or strength with an axe so I brought up the broomstick method and was even discussing it on BYC this week. I watched videos and mentally prepared myself.

When it came down to it, I went to get a shovel for the broomstick method, and my husband said he thought that was really inhumane. He said he thought I could do the axe just fine because I am strong and exercise. I'm a pushover and agreed, and I took a couple light practice swings before getting the bird. Then, when the bird was down, I took a hard swing and... it was too low on the neck! I screamed. I never scream. I quickly took another swing and most of the head came off. I had to take a third until it was fully beheaded. I got the chicken into the bucket as quickly as I could. I was absolutely mortified and breathing heavy after the experience. My heart's beating quicker just typing this.

I feel absolutely horrible. The whole reason I raise my own chickens is because of how inhumane the slaughterhouses and large scale chicken farms can be, yet I botched a kill and possibly made the chicken suffer! I guess it's hard to know for sure if he suffered because I think the first swing did break his neck (I saw it while eviscerating) and he didn't react in any way I could tell, but I really have no way of knowing. I feel awful if he suffered.

Have any of you ever botched a kill like this? Were you able to forgive yourself? What can I do next time to better prepare myself to participate in this part of the harvesting process?

I just axed my first rooster half an hour ago and had to come on here to see how I could do this better. We live in the country in Oregon and our internet sucks. I could not see any of the photos, but I'll catch up with your post next month when our connection is better. I had to put down my favorite rooster several months ago because he became paralyzed. I used the bar across the neck and pulled up. It was horrible. I couldn't tell if his neck had broken, I kept pulling but he was just still flapping. He finally became still and I sat down and cried for a good ten minutes.
The rest of the 13 chickens are 7 hens and 6 roos. One roo is the father and 11 of the others are the incubated eggs of his mate. That resulted in 6 hens and 5 roosters. They just hit 5-6 months and are causing a ruckus all day, every day. My hens are a mess trying to stay hidden from 3 of the 5 roos. I finally had it this afternoon and told Al that I was ready. We've talked about this for weeks but I just couldn't imagine killing one of the chicks I incubated and held for 2 months. We cornered one of the offenders and I carried it over. Al ended being the one who swung the axe while I held him still. It wasn't great. The axe wasn't sharp enough and it was hard to decapitate him through the feathers. I did the hot water and cold water and plucking and then skinned him (we buy boneless/skinless, so it made sense.) I got on here right after I got done plucking and skinning, just to see if there was something else I can do to make it easier and I found your letter, which is just exactly my feelings. I am now a chicken farmer and I need to be able to do this for the good of the farm and for our food. I am going to try several different methods of culling and get better at skinning. These chickens have been hand reared, hand fed, have a great life and I have done nothing more for the last 6 months than to cater to them. They are now full blown chickens and roosters and I am going to remember that this is just the beginning of my life as a full blown farmer. Thank you for your letter and starting this amazing thread. The letters in response have been so full of support and information. My first culled rooster is bagged in the fridge. It's not so pretty, but it will make a great soup. My best to you and all the responders to your letter, what a great support group.

 

[FunClucks]

There are some game processing knives with replaceable/disposable razor blade cutters. They are shaped like a knife but you know you have a razor blade edge. A bit pricey but I'm eyeing those for Christmas. The regular game processing knife set I got from the sporting goods store just doesn't sharpen as well as I need it to using the enclosed sharpener. Maybe it's just me, but I think they should cut like butter, like my ceramic kitchen knives.

https://www.outdooredge.com/products/razor-pro

 

[HenriettaPizzaNolan]

After my horrible experience butchering for the first time I knew I had to learn. I found someone to show me how to kill and take care of the feathers etc in a more efficient way. I also got a cone. I am just using a sharp knife... they bleed out so fast and it's so gentle. It really is my method to butcher now.

So you feel they don't suffer much with that method?

I have always avoided the cone and knife method because it seems so slow and like they would suffer. But one time someone on BYC made the point of how when you are losing blood quickly, you pass out pretty quick. Also, if you cut that area, you are likely cutting the nerves that would cause major pain. I would know because I had a huge, deep laceration to my neck/face/ear once in a bit of a freak accident - less than an inch from my jugular. It was so deep they had to stitch me on the inside as well, but tbh it didn't hurt much at all. It cut the nerve. It was more difficult dealing with trying not to black out, and the aftermath of losing so much blood. I didn't have feeling in that area for years and still don't totally. So, it makes me wonder about the cone and sharp knife...

 

[abpatchy]

In my case they don't suffer. In Germany we are required to knock the birds out before culling. If you are just doing a few birds for yourself you can get away with taking a club and hitting them over the head. It is a law here. They say even if you cut off the head the birds still have a sense of pain. I don't know for sure really.
I also think if your knife is really sharp there is less pain. I use a scalpel and exchange the blade regularly.

 

[NatJ]

I did the hot water and cold water and plucking and then skinned him (we buy boneless/skinless, so it made sense.)

If you are going to skin it, you can skip the hot water, the cold water, and the plucking. That usually saves a lot of time and effort.

 

[killmak]

I just axed my first rooster half an hour ago and had to come on here to see how I could do this better. We live in the country in Oregon and our internet sucks. I could not see any of the photos, but I'll catch up with your post next month when our connection is better. I had to put down my favorite rooster several months ago because he became paralyzed. I used the bar across the neck and pulled up. It was horrible. I couldn't tell if his neck had broken, I kept pulling but he was just still flapping. He finally became still and I sat down and cried for a good ten minutes.
The rest of the 13 chickens are 7 hens and 6 roos. One roo is the father and 11 of the others are the incubated eggs of his mate. That resulted in 6 hens and 5 roosters. They just hit 5-6 months and are causing a ruckus all day, every day. My hens are a mess trying to stay hidden from 3 of the 5 roos. I finally had it this afternoon and told Al that I was ready. We've talked about this for weeks but I just couldn't imagine killing one of the chicks I incubated and held for 2 months. We cornered one of the offenders and I carried it over. Al ended being the one who swung the axe while I held him still. It wasn't great. The axe wasn't sharp enough and it was hard to decapitate him through the feathers. I did the hot water and cold water and plucking and then skinned him (we buy boneless/skinless, so it made sense.) I got on here right after I got done plucking and skinning, just to see if there was something else I can do to make it easier and I found your letter, which is just exactly my feelings. I am now a chicken farmer and I need to be able to do this for the good of the farm and for our food. I am going to try several different methods of culling and get better at skinning. These chickens have been hand reared, hand fed, have a great life and I have done nothing more for the last 6 months than to cater to them. They are now full blown chickens and roosters and I am going to remember that this is just the beginning of my life as a full blown farmer. Thank you for your letter and starting this amazing thread. The letters in response have been so full of support and information. My first culled rooster is bagged in the fridge. It's not so pretty, but it will make a great soup. My best to you and all the responders to your letter, what a great support group.

As NatJ said you don't need to pluck if you are going to skin them. I skin them and part them out most of the time. It really isn't easy processing your babies. I would be a little worried about myself if I found it easy. But in the end they have such a great life compared to the ones from the store. They actually get to live and be chickens. If you decide to use the hatchet method again definitely sharpen it. I have a grinder so I sharpen mine right before I process them as I too had to hit multiple times once and it made it more traumatic. Good for you though! It sucks but I feel like it is well worth it knowing you raised them and gave them the best possible life before eating them.

 

[HenriettaPizzaNolan]

My guess is it was very quick, and is just playing out in slow motion in your head because it was a bit traumatic for you. Honestly, I don't think us women were biologically designed to kill, it is more traumatic for us because it goes against our biology.

This only gets worse with pregnancy hormones. I thought I had a relatively cool head, when are friends butchered all their rabbits, I was in charge of disemboweling them and sorting out the organs and pulling off the skin. But I couldn't get myself to actually pull the neck in the hook. It felt like trying to breathe in water while in a swimming pool, my entire body was telling me not to do it.

(By the way, I was just trying to do side breathing with the breaststroke in swim class, but my body thought I was trying to breathe water and it refused to cooperate.)

I'm hoping these things get easier every time we do them, but I assume the first few times will evoke a trauma response that is significantly stronger than the experience for biological males, probably for hormonal reasons in the brain chemistry.

My guess is you're having a trauma response just because of the biological resistance in your brain, probably hardwired from thousands of years of evolution. So then you're going to find a reason to be hard on yourself.

From what you said about the swings with the ax, the difference was only probably the chicken died in 15 seconds rather than 3 seconds. And when it's a matter of seconds it may have not even felt it, because sometimes the body goes into shock. I remember reading soldiers memoirs from d-day, your hand would get blown off and they won't even feel it from 30 seconds or so, cuz their body was in shock. So the chicken probably was too, and you gave it a good clean death.

Sorry if this is not comforting or too rambling. I'm just trying to prepare myself for this experience in a couple weeks o_0

What you said makes a lot of sense and I appreciate the kind words! I wish you luck on your next processing day. Our next one is coming up in about a month.

I actually did have to put a hen out of her misery since I originally posted this because she was suffering and my husband wasn't home. I still had to take two whacks to fully separate the head from the neck, but this time I was fully confident that the first blow broke the neck and she was unconscious. I felt better about that. Who knows, maybe that happened with the first bird too and I was too panicked to realize it. But either way, I do think I gained a little confidence. Hopefully that steadies my hand moving forward.