Giving up a child?

[oesdog]

They are disabled - they cannot be "fixed" - no it wont "work out".

Oes

 

[sezjasper]

I have just finished reading this thread and I stand in awe of you, Oes, and all you have accomplished. To learn at the end that you have not one but two disabled sons...truly I wonder where you have found so much strength and courage. Your sons' disabilities perhaps can't be "fixed," but you and your husband, through your love and sacrifices, have given your sons' lives value and meaning--which is a gift that many non-disabled children never receive. You have worked tirelessly to find the right place for your son to live, where he will be comfortable and safe and well taken care of. Now, you and your husband will have a chance to rest and take care of yourselves, and the time you will spend with your son will be the better for it. So in this respect, yes, it will "work out" for you and for your son because you--with renewed strength and courage--will make sure of it. God bless you all.

 

[serama rooster]

i hope that things work out like they find what they want and you find what you want for them. i just want to make you feel better

edited by staff to remove flaming

 

[oesdog]

Sorry I have not posted for a bit on this thread.
It seems to be taking ages to get perminant care sorted. out.
I will have to go look at all I wrote for fear of repeating myself. - Things here have been hard for a bit.
DH is now 9 months after his last heart surgery. He is a lot better than he was but is getting bad nose bleeds again He hemeraged from his nose a good lot of times before his heart attack. So I worry about going back down this road again. He has also had to use the GTN a good bit more due to ongoing chest pains. So I try to keep stress to a minimum if that were ever a possibility in this house?

Trying to reduce the stress has not been very easy lately. We are now getting regular overnight care for Dan which is helpful to a digree. However it is a shame it took soo many years and DH having a heart attack before they offered us anything at all and even now we are only supposed to get three nights per month. Which is not nearly enough! Now I have managed to get a letter from a consultant to say the stress of care of Dan is putting too much pressure on DH and that he needs to have more restbite care nights for Danny and he really needs Dan to have full time care longterm. It is what is making DH so ill and proper care for Dan would mean Dh might improve health wise and that has got to be good for the both of us. We might even get to enjoy a few stress free years.

I know it will kill me to see the lad go, but then when I am in tears at night over it, then the next time I have to shower or dress Dan and he attacks me. Often leaving scars on my arms etc I think girl - "Don't be soft he has to go before you end up in a grave." I have to think of DH and he is needing care sooo muc now too. I can't care for them both. It simply is not fare. So Dan is very much on the list which is actually confirmed for full time residential care. - So please pray we get a good placement for the lad. It seems to be ever closer and yet forever. I really am torn at times. But the boy is 26 yrs old this year nearly 30 and I think I have done more than enough.

Oes

 

[OhioClucker]

Sorry I have not posted for a bit on this thread.
It seems to be taking ages to get perminant care sorted. out.
I will have to go look at all I wrote for fear of repeating myself. - Things here have been hard for a bit.
DH is now 9 months after his last heart surgery. He is a lot better than he was but is getting bad nose bleeds again He hemeraged from his nose a good lot of times before his heart attack. So I worry about going back down this road again. He has also had to use the GTN a good bit more due to ongoing chest pains. So I try to keep stress to a minimum if that were ever a possibility in this house?

Trying to reduce the stress has not been very easy lately. We are now getting regular overnight care for Dan which is helpful to a digree. However it is a shame it took soo many years and DH having a heart attack before they offered us anything at all and even now we are only supposed to get three nights per month. Which is not nearly enough! Now I have managed to get a letter from a consultant to say the stress of care of Dan is putting too much pressure on DH and that he needs to have more restbite care nights for Danny and he really needs Dan to have full time care longterm. It is what is making DH so ill and proper care for Dan would mean Dh might improve health wise and that has got to be good for the both of us. We might even get to enjoy a few stress free years.

I know it will kill me to see the lad go, but then when I am in tears at night over it, then the next time I have to shower or dress Dan and he attacks me. Often leaving scars on my arms etc I think girl - "Don't be soft he has to go before you end up in a grave." I have to think of DH and he is needing care sooo muc now too. I can't care for them both. It simply is not fare. So Dan is very much on the list which is actually confirmed for full time residential care. - So please pray we get a good placement for the lad. It seems to be ever closer and yet forever. I really am torn at times. But the boy is 26 yrs old this year nearly 30 and I think I have done more than enough.

Oes

=( I am in home health so I have seen situations like yours. You are one tough and strong cookie! <3

 

[warmheart]

OES, I have been reading and praying for you and your dear family. May the wonderful news that Dan's placement is ready, come soon. We will all be here to support you during the transition. In time, you and your DH will begin to heal, begin to breathe, laugh, and relax. Your sweet son will be in a place where he is safe, can grow and thrive, and will be understood by those trained caretakers working in shifts with him round the clock. Plus, his future will be set in a good, stable place for him. For now, I will be sending calming vibes your way, and sending you good thoughts for today. Please, take extra good care of yourself. Remember to breathe.

May only good things come your and your family's way. May healing for all begin, and may joy and pleasure, hope and optimism flow in your life.

 

[oesdog]

Thank you for that...

I have been so very exhausted lately. DH And I did try to go away for a while but it was not an experience I would like to repeat. It was far from the easy option holiday that we had been assured it would be. It did give me a great eye opener as to how disabled folk are treated abroad. It truely makes me appresiate all the love and help and support I get here and of course from all my BYC friends. I can see how DH has deteriorated in the last few years. There is a marked difference in his ability now than even 4 years ago. I can honestly say the folks at Gatwick airport London were brillient with DH. especially flying out. The thing that really caught me a lot and made me shed a tear was that DH always treated me like a lady. Never allowing me to push trollys or carry heavy things. - This trip often he had to give me bags to carry and sometimes he would be pushed in a wheelchair while I struggled to push the bag trolly. - It is very hard to adjust to lossing the strength of a big man. A dear husband and I did shed a tear at the loss of being treated like a lady - it was so nice when he was well enough and able to do that for me.He always openened car doors for me or let me through a doorway first. Having Danny has taken so much from us as parents. I am very concerned with DHs health and ongoing issues. I wonder if we will have anything left for us at all once Danny is in care???

Oes -

 

[warmheart]

Dear OES, so much courage you and your DH have. The measure of a true gentleman is in the love he has for you, and you are always and forever a true lady for understanding that his ways of caring for you may involve a different type of strength now than physical. Together, you are both an inspiration.

I'm sending you both good thoughts and prayers that Dan's placement comes soon,

which would benefit the whole family on your journey toward healing.

 

[oldrooster]

To the OP I am sorry life has handed you so many hardships. I would never wish it on anyone. Your placing of your child in an facility is not giving him up, but a future he can thrive and live in and not suffer through. it takes courage to say I can't help anymore and must let someone else take over. it is similar hardship as nursing home care for a parent but far worse. I am praying for your family.

 

[oesdog]

I get such a lot of love and care and help and support from my friends at BYC. I don;t know sometimes what I wuld do without you all.
Dh is a little better now we are home and has managed to start on a few home projects which I am thrilled about. It was indeed very hard while we were away and I certainly did see how much he has failed over the last few years. It truely breaks my heart for him as he was always such an active person. It must have been very difficult for him to sit in a wheelchair at the airport and have - a woman or a man older than him pushing. But without them we simply could not have gotten from one terminal to the other and of course that meant if they pushed him I had to take all the luggage. It really did hit home at that point that the way things used to be have gone. It is a loss for us both. - I worry about him a great deal. He was getting hot flushes again today and I know that is his heart playing up again. When we were away he often said he felt ill or tight in the chest. I hope we soon get a firm offer of longterm placement for Danny. It would be good to have DH to myself for a bit so that I can try to help him get a bit better? I value all of your prayers and support so much.
I remember telling you all only a few years back how DH was good at the baking and creating in the kitchen etc. Now he struggled and gets very tired very quickly. It isn;t the same and I know if Danny stays here it can only get much worse with the pressure of care.
I feel like I have been "caring" all my life for one person or another.

My Mum had Polio and was paralised down one side. She had post polio sindrome and parkinsons and died last year in her early 70s from a major MI.
My dad is elderly, lonely and grief stricken. He often needs supporting.
My sister has MS, Epilepsy and is diabetic.
My Mother - in - law died of Cancer in her early 50s. She also had a heart condition.
My Father- in - Law had one stroke after another and Parkinsons. He died in his early 70s.
My 2yr old nephew drowned in a garden pond a few years back.
My eldest son was born 6 weeks prem but is fine.
My second baby misscaried.
My twins were born at 26 weeks so very prem both have major disabilities.
My daughter has a heart condition
My grandaughter has a heart condition.
My husband has had a heart attack and two heart surgeries and has arthritis and issues with his spine, arms, hips and hands. He is in constant pain.
My sister - in - law is waiting for cancer test results
My Sister- in - laws partner is dieing of a brain tumor. He has 4 - 6 months tops.
I have fibromyalga ( Soft tissue arthritis ) - But hay it seems irrelivent - I am in pain but I don't want to think of it.

Yeap I would go mad if I thought on everything too often. So I am indeed really glad of the love and care and lots of prayers from BYC friends.

Oes