How to apologise to an In-law?

[Reurra]

So this morning my husband and I were planning on going into down when out of the blue my Mother in law shows up and says shes going to clean the basement. Now this is her house, she owns it anyhow, we just live here. I had not problem with her coming over, but I had not expected her today. She comes in, with her sister and her nephew in tow and proceed to take over. I was surprised and a bit miffed about it, but I said "Ok, I wasnt expecting you today, I was thinking you would be here later on in the week." So I told her that I was going to town and would come back and help when i returned.

So a little miscommunication on the date of her wanting to get into the basment had occured. Something similar had happened earlier this week, with me not catching what she was saying.

So I went to town with my husband, who in my book always comes first. After all im married to him. And when i got back, I look around and see she has thrown out my newspapers that I use to start my fireplacein the morning. She had a barrel of burning stuff out in the yard. Right next to my chicken coop.

So I go down into the basement and I asked her where my newspaper was, since it was not upstairs where I had it stacked and she says "Oh we burned it, you should not put it by the electric stove." I agreed, but said "I wish you had not burned it, I needed it." She waved it off and said "Oh dont worry, you will get more."

By this time i was upset at the invasion of the house, flustered at her unexpected arival, mixed with feelings of obligation to help her, so i went upstairs and told my husband to let off a little steam. All i said to him was that she burned my newspapers. Well bless his heart, he takes it seriously and thinking he has to defend me, he goes and yells downstairs at his Mom who in turn yells some mean things back, in strong language (She is not a crass or crude person and is very much a lady, so to hear her say this was an indicator of her being really upset!) She said a few things about working all day and that my husband was a lazy lay about (My husband works 12 hour night shifts)

Well my husband gets steaming mad and storms out, and she gets all mad and you can tell by her voice that she is about to burst into tears of frustration because she has been down there most of the day working.

I decide not to go down there because I dont want to get my head bit off. My husband is mad at her and wont talk to her now. He said he wont talk to her until she apologizes to him for using strong language with him in his own home. She ends up leaving is a huff, and miraculously, my newspapers ended up back where they were, a little scattered but there.

Sad thing is, I understand where both she and my husband are coming from and I feel like I put my foot in my mouth so to speak and caused everyone to start hating each other. Now, my mother in law has helped us out enormously in the past, including letting us live in the house she owns. She has financially helped us out on many occasions as well. I have always offered to help her out whenever she needs it and have done so. I would have gladly helped her today had she called and let me know she was on her way. I had not expected her to though, Im not terribly reliable at remembering things mentioned a week ago.

I just want everyone to be nice, I know I prolly should ahve kept my mouth shut and not said anything about those stupid newspapers, but now I cant figure out how to apologise because im scared I might make things worse. Im not very articulate or social and Im not very good at talking to people or conveying what Im trying to say.

I am trying to figure out if I should call her, but then she might see her ID and not want to talk to me, and Im terrible on the phone besides. Or I could go over to her house and apologise, but Im scared of her right now and terribly embarrassed and saddened by everything that has happened.

Im not looking for sympathy, though i do feel i could prolly have a mental wreck right now (I suffer from anxiety) I just dont know what to do and I dont want to be the cause of a war between family members. I guess Im just looking to vent and maybe get some advice too.

 

[SarahBeth9394]

You did nothing wrong. You vented a frustration to your husband. That's what spouces do. I don't know who said what in their conversation but that really is between them. What I mean is they had an incident, either one or both of them said some not so nice things and it's them that need to work it out. While you are in a bit of a pickle you didn't fight with anyone. Just be the supportive wife you are and let them work it out. If the topic comes up between you and the in law just tell her their fight was between them and they need to work it out. Then give your hubby a big hug and kiss.

 

[CarolJ]

I don't know all the details - but based on the information you gave, you might do well to talk with your husband. Don't worry about being articulate or whatever. Just tell him how you feel about what happened. I've learned over many years that family relationships are important - and sometimes we have to put the relationship ahead of our own hurt feelings.

Your MIL doesn't know all the things you've written. She believes she told you the week before that she would be there this week, and then you & your husband went to town when she showed up and she was left to do the work without any help from you. Then you came home and "complained" about what she had done (burning the newspapers).

After talking to your husband, it might be a good idea for him (or you or both of you) to sit down with your MIL and explain what happened, tell her that you really feel bad that things got so heated. In my experience, sincerity and calm discussion can overcome a lot. While there might be no need to apologize - there is a need to express your dismay that the situation escalated to the point that harsh words were exchanged. You said that your MIL doesn't usually use such language - and that indicates that she was exceptionally upset as well.

 

[luvmychicknkids]

I just have to say, it really seems like the biggest part. Of the problem here is you forgetting obligations and promises which ends up escalating into something big. You said it happened another time very recently. Being "not good at remembering" isn't a good enough excuse, really. Use sticky notes, reminders on your cell phone, notes stuck to the fridge, a chalkboard by the front door, ALL of the above if necessary, to remember the dates you have made plans.

As for your mother in law, she isn't going to care how well you articulate it, I would call and simply say "I am sorry". If she doesn't answer, leave a voice mail. People sometimes forget just how powerful those three little words are. Good luck. You obviously have a great family with lots of love and this will work out!

 

[Shireshome]

Well first off you need to get yourself organized so that these things don't happen anymore. And believe me this is coming from a person that can't keep track of anything. My husband won't hardly trust me with anything because I can't remember a thing no matter how important it is. I have tried many ways to remind myself of things but with four children it is impossible! Sticky notes left all around the house don't work because after a few days they become like white noise, they just blend in. So the only way I could fix my problem was to buy a daily planner and use it! You must check it daily! Have a set time like, first thing in the morning and again before bed. As for an apology one certainly is in order here. You and your husband ought to take her out to lunch, or make a nice lunch and have her over. Do NOT wait for her to apologize first. You should explain the mix up as you did on here and tell her how you intend in fix it for the future. Also you can request that she give you a call the night before such events in the future just to make sure that everyone is ready. I really hope everything works out for you, it sounds like you have a really nice mother in law. Now you must excuse me, I have to go find my daily planner.....

 

[Reurra]

Well, I decided to go over and and personally apologise. I took a rack of pork ribs and bottle of bbq sauce as a peace offering lol. We talked for a long time, almost 2 hours before I had to get the kids home for bed. I think everything is cleared up now though.

I do write things down, I have 3 calendars within eyesight of me at my desk here. Sad thing is, not everything gets written down. Mostly its because I never seem to be able to keep a pen, and when i do get a pen I write something down and stuff it in my pocket and forget to empty my jacket pockets at home. (proof is in the lint trap)

However, in this instance, she had mentioned wednesday, or thursday. She surprised me with today, but said she had mentioned that she would come monday on sunday when I went over to see her yesterday. So it got all mixed up. I was still thinking mid week when she had mentioned in passing that it would be today. What a terrible knot it had become!

But as I said, we worked it out and are on better terms. I think it will go better now.

Thanks all for your input. Its hard sometimes when I can be so clueless. I do try though.

 

[CarolJ]

I think you exhibited great maturity and insight to make the first move to reconcile with your MIL. I'm so glad it went well and that you were able to smooth over the tense situation. Congratulations!

 

[Beekissed]

Good advice all around. I think it is commendable that you realize that you've made mistakes, that you realize that your MIL may be feeling some frustration and that you want to make things better. It's hard to admit to those things and it's hard to say you are sorry to someone who may or may not accept it from you, but it is never a wrong thing to say it and mean it, and then whatever the other person does with it is out of your control.

You are in a difficult position of feeling obligated to your MIL for where you live and for her help in the past, but also feeling like she may have overstepped her bounds on moving around YOUR personal possessions in HER home or expecting you to help her clean when you had already made other plans....I've been where you are at and it is a very difficult tight rope to walk. Put all that emotional mess on top of your anxiety problems and you have a caldron of bitter stuff to swallow when you need it the least, but darned if you have to swallow it anyway.

Under those circumstances, I feel you are doing the best you can and making mistakes, or even appearing to make mistakes, is an easy thing to do and a hard thing to fix....and I admire that you even want to try with all you have on your plate.

Sorry is one of those words that taste best if you get it out of your mouth, for to hold it in only brings bitterness to you and to them. I'd just tell her what you told us and, if she is as nice as you say, she will appreciate your candor and your humble attitude. Good luck on this and please let us know how it all turns out....I'm cheering you on from this side of the screen!

ETA: Oops...didn't read your post about resolving the issue. Good for you!!!

 

[HeatherLynn]

On the organization thing. Try google calendar. I have my calendar linked with my husbands and his is linked to mine. As we both make notes our personal calendars are updated. I get email reminders that somthing is coming up. Instead of my husband telling me I need to do something on a certain day he just adds it to his calendar and it updates the infor onto mine automatically. LOVE IT. Seriously I do love it. I am not sure I could keep up with my over flowing life at this point without this tool. I am very organized usually but I had a 4th child and then became a boy scout leader, and then a girl scout leader and then board member and then another board member and then a committe and dance class and 4h classes. All of a sudden I became a mess, a very forgetful mess. Not sure how you set the whole thing up but its free. My husband set it up for me after I forgot a few too many things. You might give it a try.

I'm glad all worked out with you MIL. If you set up the google calendar thing, Maybe get yours linked to one set up with her.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

On the organization thing. Try google calendar. I have my calendar linked with my husbands and his is linked to mine. As we both make notes our personal calendars are updated. I get email reminders that somthing is coming up. Instead of my husband telling me I need to do something on a certain day he just adds it to his calendar and it updates the infor onto mine automatically. LOVE IT. Seriously I do love it. I am not sure I could keep up with my over flowing life at this point without this tool. I am very organized usually but I had a 4th child and then became a boy scout leader, and then a girl scout leader and then board member and then another board member and then a committe and dance class and 4h classes. All of a sudden I became a mess, a very forgetful mess. Not sure how you set the whole thing up but its free. My husband set it up for me after I forgot a few too many things. You might give it a try.

I'm glad all worked out with you MIL. If you set up the google calendar thing, Maybe get yours linked to one set up with her.

Other's have addressed calendars and reminders, so I won't.

A big part of the issue seems to be boundaries. You and your family are living in your MIL's house. So, why is she coming over to clean the basement? Seems like that should be something you are/should be responsible for? Do y'all pay rent? As long as MIL is supporting you, she is going to feel that she can call the shots: from tossing your newspapers, to telling you where to store them (or not), to showing up unannounced to clean up the basement, venting her frustrations to your husband about his job, to ....

I am glad that you were able to work things out, but I don;t think the basic problem will be resolved until you and DH put on your grown-up pants and become self-sufficient.