My neice/godchild is making me angry

[Mamachic1967]

My oldest sister's daughter who is also my godchild is not a nice girl. I felt the stress when I invited her to my home last summer for a holiday and she was rude, moody and ungrateful. This is who she is all the time. I feel it more when I'm on facebook. Her behaviour and attitude towards me is unacceptable. Yet I can't seem to say anything because in my family hostility and anger are repressed and you just get ignored. She's hinting for another vacation to my home and that's the last thing I want. She just turned 30 and she is someone I am not at all interested in having in my life. She hurts my feelings, insults me (on purpose? I'm not sure) If I remove her from facebook it will start a complete dramatic family issue. She is difficult to ignore. What do I do?

 

[LRH97]

Sounds like a touchy situation. I actually have a cousin very similar to the way you described your godchild. She is no longer welcome in our home. (called my mom a b***h) Ungrateful, rude, obnoxious, and plain mean. My mom and dad's families are complete opposites. My mom's family is passive, they vent and such, but avoid confrontation. My dad's side speak their mind whenever they feel like it (the "don't mess with me" type). Obviously, I'm not a member of your family so I'm not going to say chew her out or disown her etc. but I will say this: you have every right to not allow someone to come to your home. You don't even need a reason. If she asks to come and you don't want her to, just say no. If she asks why, just say it's a bad time and leave it at that. And there is positively no reason for you to put up with such disrespect in your own home. Oh, and if deleting her on Facebook or telling her she can't come to your house will upset other family members, so be it. They'll get over it. And if they/she ask why you did, tell 'em like it is: you're tired of dealing with her rude BS. You shouldn't have to deal with such nonsense. I'd rather have some people mad at me than deal with feeling bad all the time because of someone else's hurtful sayings or insults.

 

[enola]

You have to do what is best for YOUR sanity. I agree with previous posters, it took me decades to learn to stand up for my thoughts and feelings.

I have a sister who has done some things that I will probably never be able to forgive her for. I am courteous to her at my Mother's house during the holidays, I have no intention of ever allowing her in my home. It took me years, but, now I have no problem ignoring her hints for a visit. And if she ever gets around to inviting herself, she will not get past the front door. The rest of the family has learned to deal with our problem after I told them that our problem is not a problem for them to try to settle for us.

 

[jaxsteph]

Quite frankly, that seems like the common attitude for most people these days. While I think we all need to be kind to one another in whatever way we can, I don't think you need to be a doormat. If you know that it's going to cause an issue for you to speak up then don't, and as for removing her from Facebook, can you just ignore her comments and not read them? Or just go off of Facebook altogether--believe it or not life does continue without social media. Actually it leaves you with a lot more time in your day to be productive.

What I really want to say, however, is this: You are not responsible for how people respond to your choices. If you are being respectful rather than purposely mean and hurtful, but are saying/doing something that needs to be said/done then you have done nothing wrong. Their response is their problem, not yours.

I come from an extremely dysfunctional family, including a mother who is mentally ill. I want to respect her and honor her, and I've had to learn what that means. It means honoring her choices. If she chooses to act crazy, that is her choice--I don't judge her for it or put her down for it. However, I also do not allow her to visit my home as it would not be good for my young children. It's not easy for me to have to keep her away from her own grandchildren, but she is making her choice, and I am making mine. I still call her every week to check on her, and we have long and pleasant conversations. I love her. But I will not sacrifice the health of myself or my family so that she can "feel better".

In the same way, I do not take responsibility for the emotions of other people. If I have done what I needed to do, in a way that is kind and thoughtful of others, it is not my fault if my choices upset them. Does that make sense? I am responsible for me. They are responsible for themselves. I'm responsible for my emotions and responses to the people around me (for letting them get under my skin, or make me angry, etc.) and they are responsible for their emotions and responses to the things I do.

Do what you need to do to be healthy, and don't be afraid to do the hard thing if it's necessary. Life is too short to spend it upset and stressed out over something petty.

 

[donrae]

That's why I don't do Facebook as a rule. I'd say simply delete your account then in a month or so, if you really need it, start another account but be much more selective about who you friend. Anyone who is going to give you crap about cutting out hurtful people isn't invited to be a part of your life. Really, there's a whole world beyond FB. This woman's 30 years old, for Heaven's sake. By then you either learn to be nice for folks or no one wants to play with you.

 

[sourland]

"Friends are the family we make for ourselves."

I too played the 'fixer' for far too long. On the day that we buried our mother I severed the relationship with one of my sisters. She had made life miserable for the family her entire life, and my role was as the mediator. I wish her no wrong, but I feel no loss from eliminating her from my life.

 

[Mamachic1967]

This is my plan as well, everyone stays together while my parents are living, then after that I want nothing to do with the ones that bring me nothing but stress and heartbreak, it's not worth it. But to keep the peace and my parents happy, I have to deal with these people for now.

 

[Blooie]

I'm old enough to remember the original Ann Landers advice columns. One thing she would say over and over again is so true - "No one can do to you what you don't LET them do." You're in charge of your life, who you let in and who you escort out.

Nuff said. Hug yourself a bit - sounds like you need it!

 

[Chickerdoodle13]

I read somewhere recently that we have the power to make ourselves happy and to do what we need to do to adjust our emotions. We can't help how others feels or react to things. We can however, decide who to expend energy on and who not to. I don't know if that's helpful at all, but it was helpful for me recently when I was struggling with some relationships of my own.

 

[CascadiaRiver]

Tell her no. Its hard to do but its the best answer.