need to vent... or nuke my town... either one...

[chickensducks&agoose]

The kid's dad just called and said that he and the kid had had a talk, and that DS was now invited to the party. I said no thanks. at this point, you couldn't PAY me to send my kid. It's just so sad. And I am so disappointed. social stuff sucks. i might become a hermit.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

No one ever said that your child was not a good kid or that he physically hurt the other child. But hurting a child's feelings IS hurting the child. Just as children go through various physical developmental stages, they also go through social and emotional developmental stages. Could be that the other child is especially sensitive; could be that your child is less sensitive. Could be that your child doesn't read the clues in others behavior that tell him to back off, that what he is doing is not fun; could be that the other child is not good at expressing that he is uncomfortable/angry/sad. I suggested talking to the teacher so that you could get an objective view of your son's behavior in relating to others. As a parent I have a very hard time being objective about my children--I am sure that I see them both as far better and far worse than they really are in just about every area. Getting an objective opinion from an unbiased person is a reality check for me.

Reading your posts I hear an intense, young woman who is also uncertain and a bit overwhelmed. You sound emotionally needy. Not telling you that the kids are having issues with each other was not being dishonest; it was maintaining her son's privacy. Or maybe she thought that you were aware of it--some kids tell their parents more than others. If she smiled and said that everything was okay when she knew it was not, that would be dishonest.

If you are acting extremely needy, maybe they are drawing back; but I think it as likely that you are reading in something that is not there. Just because she approaches parenting differently than you do does not mean she is a bad person or a bad parent any more than it would mean that you are. You say you are grudgy, and demonstrate it by not accepting an overture and an invitation--how is that any less rude than not inviting your son to the party? Is your son as upset as you are? Have you talked to him about why the other child is avoiding him? Does he realize that he needs to apologize for hurting the other boy's feelings--even though he didn't intend to? Getting the kids together to work out their differences is still a good plan.

Not everyone is upfront with confrontation--it makes some people very uncomfortable. She might well have felt that she does not know you well enough to confront you about your son's behavior. She might well be angry at your son for hurting her son's feelings--I would be.

 

[chickensducks&agoose]

Emotionally needy? probably. I am kind of a loner, and my DH is overseas.. has been for 5 months. will be for another 6 or 7. These people have been our neighborhood friends... borrow a cup o' sugar kind of people, I take her kid when she needs me to, and she takes mine when I need her to. I try really hard not to 'need' a lot from them, and to give more than I receive. I might have social issues, generally I don't like the amount of stress and effort it takes to deal with people, so my social group is somewhat limited. But if her kid has a problem with my kid, we should discuss it. If My kid has a problem with her kid, I will either try to facilitate discussion, or will tell my kid to let it go. depending on how serious it is. If your kid gets his feelings hurt by another kid, and can't get over it, either talk it out, or let it go, don't teach your kid to be a whiner and get angry at the other kid, I figure kids take it and give it, and when it gets one sided, grown ups need to help make things better, not encourage your kid to be a victim. I'm not mad at the kid really for being mad at my kid, I'm mad at the mom for letting her kid help her make a bad decision. I would NEVER let my kid be publicly mean to someone, or obviously exclude them just because he was mad at them. I would never tell my kid that it's okay to do that, especially if they were mostly good friends, because once you say something like that, you really can't take it back. You should mean what you say and stick behind it. I DID reject the dad's offer, because I KNOW the kid didn't want to invite my kid, which is FINE, but the fact that the mom backed her kid up in this situation, I feel is terrible parenting. If you see your kid about to punch someone in the nose, you stop them. It's your job as a parent. If I'd known that her kid and my kid were having a problem, I would have been ALL over making my kid apologize, whether he felt he'd screwed up or not. If your friend thinks you were mean, then you'd better be sorry. I just wish people could be up front, honest and would do the right thing, instead of being passive aggressive weirdos.

 

[redhen]

I hear what you are saying.. and i feel badly for your little boy...
Maybe take him somewhere special that day...?
But honestly... i bet that the kids will be friends again soon.... just let it ride itself out...
Maybe even still buy the birthday boy a small gift.. just to show your son the right thing to do.. to be the better person.. (and let the mother feel like crud too....lol)

BTW.. i think you did the right thing by refusing the invite now.... i wouldnt want my son to be somewhere where he wasnt really wanted... kids are cruel.. and his feelings could really be hurt much worse if he went to that party.

 

[cluckers&quackers]

Unless I am missing something in the original post, I would say that the op has every right to be angry. Now maybe her son owes the other child an apology for hurting his feelings, even if that was not his intent.

but unless I am missing something, the other child, and parents are wrong also. I am sorry but if that other childs feeling are so hurt then why did he accept an invite to her childs party?

If the other parents knew their son was not going to invite her son to his party, they should not have allowed him to go to her son's party.

Funny how that other child could set aside his anger long enough for a free movie huh? but now that he had the fun, he is angry again? Sounds like a selfish, greedy, snotty child to me.

I don't think it is being needy to ask for help, especially when she is returning the favors by sending them baked goods and watching their chickens. She is alone with her children so her husband can fight for this so called "wonderful country" of ours. If someone asked me for help with things, but was also willing to help me when needed, I don't find that as being needy, afterall in years way before my time, neighbors always helped each other out.

 

[homesteadingcowgirl]

Quote:
I think you are thinking things through too much. An older person could well be calculating enough to deliberately withhold expressing anger or disapproval until AFTER a scheduled fun event, but a 7 year old? I've seen it in adults--breaking up the week AFTER a week-long all-expenses paid work convention (spouses or significant others included), waiting to break up until AFTER Christmas or New Years or birthday presents.

But young kids don't operate that way. They live in the moment; a few days is a lifetime to them. I do agree that getting the kids together to work out their differences is a VERY good idea, but I don't think forcing an invitation from a child who felt like he was being made fun of is appropriate--it teaches him to think that his feelings do not matter, or that it is okay for others to mistreat him. There was apparently a wide communication gap between the two boys that one thought he was having fun with his friend and the other thought he was being ridiculed.

Are they best friends because they enjoy playing together more than with anyone else, or because they happen to live near each other?

No, I'm not thinking that the 7 yr. old or even the parents were going to a party and then refusing to invite. I agree kids don't think that way. What I meant to convey, was that it is rude to do so and that the child should be taught that when their feelings are hurt that they can't jsut hide from them or hurt back (even inadvertently) they need to express them and to work to make things better. The invitation wouldn't have had to of been forced if the mother had worked with her child and the OP to figure things out.

It seems as if everyone has been good friends and helpful to one another. That said, I happen to disagree with the OP's decision to say "No" to the invite. I realize you are hurt, but they did try and correct things and make things better. Perhaps after they learned all of thedetails they realized that they had been hasty and inappropriate. We have all made mistakes as parents, neighbors and friends. It sounds like you would be losing a good friend if you all don't start talking. What has happened with the kids has now happened with the adults, don't let it continue.

 

[AngieChick]

Quote:
I agree.

 

[Mattemma]

I decline all birthday invites and on family birthdays the money gets spent on the kid alone.It got way to expensive to host parties,or to even go to a party.

I understand your frustration.Especially with the boy being nearby. The birthday will pass.I would not make a big deal about it.Perhaps go somewhere for the day.OR talk to your boy about it,and explain how his actions led to him not being invited...or atleast that was the excuse that was given. I agree that it is ODD the boy would go out with your ds,but then not invite him over for his own party.

This sort of stuff is the reason we got a home with no nearby kids.BTDT with kids excluding mine right in front of us DAILY. It sure does stink.

I would also want to help things along to get the relationship going again,but the parents can make this difficult. Don't know how you will deal with this long term.Once I realised what was going on with my kids and neighboring kids I talked dh into moving.

Hopefully things will work out for all of you,but it probably won't ever be the same.Best wishes!

 

[Over Easy in Adna]

You don't MAKE kids be friends with each other, and any attempt to force it would be a bad decision on your part.

 

[WingingIt]

OK, I'm a military wife, too and have been there with the long deployments and everything falling on me. So I get that and the overwhelming stuff that sometimes comes with it. Of course you're protective of your son and of course you would have assumed it was just a mistake with the invitation (or it being lost, whatever). So I can see why you'd have called to ask. Once she told you that, no, it was not a mistake and they boys had had a falling out, I honestly think you overreacted and went overboard. If the other boy got his feelings hurt enough to not invite your son, I'd bet you anything he's been avoiding him at school, too. And I'd bet your son has noticed that since the class is small. At that age (I have one slightly older, been there, and one about to be that age) they have friends but they might not be friends every day, IYKWIM.

You talk about her not making good parenting choices, but she made the best one she could for her son and didn't force him to be around someone who hurt his feelings when he was still stinging from it. She's probably over there saying you didn't make a good parenting choice because now that you know about it, you didn't have DS explain and apologize for the miscommunication. And I hesitate to say this, but at 7 kids are learning that they can get out of things......so there's a chance that DS told you what he thought you wanted to hear (that he was playing) when, in fact, he really was sticking his tongue out at the kid. Still a silly thing, IMO, but kids turn hot and cold quickly at that age. Either way, on purpose or not, he hurt his friend's feelings and it wouldn't hurt him to apologize. Tell the other Mom that you talked to him about it, instructed him to apologize and you'd like her to let you know if her son mentions that he did. Not speaking to her ever again isn't the way to handle this. You may need each other again in the future and ruining a friendship over a spat between 7 years olds is silly.......because I guarantee at some point in the future the boys will be just fine with each other again, then you (the adults) are the only ones still being hurt and separated.