Sometimes we're born into the wrong family **long**

[kara_leigh]

Quote:
Thank you. Yes, I believe and have been told that I am a kind person. I don't like to say mean or bad things to people either. The only people that I know that don't like me are people that know my sister or my mom, and that is b/c they talk bad about me to them. Even though my parents were and aren't very nice people, I treat them with respect and am always kind to them. I am never mean to them.

I treat my husband and son very well. My husband and I never say hurtful words to each other. If we are in a disagreement, we would rather take some time to ourselves to cool down rather than say something to each other that we would regret. We RARELY disagree, though. He is my best friend.

I agree, I don't like being unhappy. I don't like the way that they make me feel when stuff like this happens, and my husband said this evening that he thinks they do stuff like this specifically to make me feel bad. We've done our best to limit the amount of contact that our son has with my mom. He used to spend A LOT of time with her when he was really young, but as he has gotten older her behavior has become worse. Now he is 12 and he rarely spends time with her alone. When she picked him up from school on the day we moved, that was the first time in a very long time that he was alone with her. She is not a nice person, and I don't want him to be around people like that. He is old enough to realize what type of person she is, also, and he came to that by his own conclusion. When he grows up (if she is still alive, which I doubt) it will be his choice whether or not he wants to be in her life.

 

[kara_leigh]

Quote:
It is hard and we can hold each others hands.

Yep!!

 

[sheaviance1]

Bless your heart, of course it hurts! Especially when it is your Mom, the person who is supposed to be wired to nurture you forever. I can only relate to this as being a series of small funerals with every time that your mother is hurtful to you. I can see that you would be grieving each and every time that another part of your relationship dies. That is how I felt in a similar situation with one of my family when they were still a part of my life. Now that they are no longer in my life, I have been able to "get over them". Yes, I grieved, but I have also healed from my loss too. It has taken a long time, but I am there. I still miss him, but, well, I don't miss all the turmoil and pain.

 

[3goodeggs]

Quote:
yes. this is right. and it takes years. do some cyper searches. narcissistic personality disorder. (Luke 17 ministries has a good description of it.)
oddly, the goat is the child that makes something decent of themselves, while the golden child is the one that can't seem to get it together. The personality of the goats is one in which the effort invested to 'earn' love is never ending. the goat tries and tries to be good enough, while the golden child is bought off because they are least likely to try hard to be loved...because they do not need the love. the goat does. the narcissist feeds off of that until you feel like a walking dead person.
then, you draw a line in the sand. somewhere, someplace you already have. it is just a waiting period until they finally cross it.
Your life is valuable.
go enjoy it.

at least, that's my plan.

 

[schellie69]

Its your choice how much toxic waste they bring into your life. I cut out my birth dad went so far to get a no contact order in court. He is very toxic and I don't want that around my children or grand children we I was a child he kept me from allowing me much contact with my mom's family I realized and my grandma's funereal that it was me that kept that distance with them since it was the way I was raised so know I am working on getting a closer relationship with them. They love me and are being patient and helping when I need it and just allowing things to happen in their own time.

My advice is cut out the toxic people out of your life and keep the ones that are there in a great way. I think family is the love that binds people not blood. I have an adopted son he is as much my son as the three I carried he also looks the most like me. I would just distant yourself if they ever do come around take baby steps but don't allow them to ever abuse or treat you less then you deserve. Good luck sending prayers your way.

 

[nop169]

I am now a 42 year old married man with 3 children (all adopted) and left home at 17 due to the same issues you face with your family. Married a wonderful woman with gracious loving parents who both died of cancer within the first 10 years of our marriage (so unfair). Tried to "fix" my birth family until I was in my late 20s before realizing that you cannot fix dysfunctional people until they admit responsibility. The total end came when my "father" began using the "n" word in front of my 3 year old biracial child. I then realized that I had the power to stop the insanity by cutting all ties with them - and I did - it was one thing for them to torment me - it is another thing when it extends to my wife & children. I have not spoken too nor seen my "father" in 4 years now (before this saw them once or twice a year) - mother came by on my birthday this year for the first time in over a year - I refused to speak to her & my wife asked her to leave. She was "hurt" according to nephew but does not acknowledge the hurt endured by my child of not having grandparents or mine in that they do not even know who we are nor do they accept responsibility for their actions. Old Southern family with twisted values.
It is tough & it will always hurt you but in my opinion - you have to draw that line & live your own life. I have suffered that feeling of being not good enough - of being unwanted & unloved.... but I have also been blessed with a wonderful loving wife, 3 great kids that I'd die for and a beautiful home & farm. It took years to finally beleive in who I am and to accept that I was loveable & to accept the love freely given to me by my wife without holding back. We all must face our own demons in this journey of life but in the journey those of us who know & learn true pain are often blessed with real & tangible joy. It never totally goes away - the pain of rejection by those who should have loved you but you have to realize that it is NOT you - it is their incapability to love or accept responsibility. I know it will affect you for the rest of your life - it does me - but you can contain it and use it as a learning lesson to enable you to be the best wife, mother & friend you can be. It seems unfair & I do not know why God allows some of us to be brought up in such hell - but if I had it to do over again in order to receive the blessings in my life - I would.
I would strongly encourage you to find someone to talk to - a counsler, pastor, friend or your husband - that you can talk out the hurt & move on. Out of my birth family & 3 brothers - I occaisionally talk with one - but I have made true friends who are truely family to me & my family. Family is not blood but people who are connected by heart - search out those people who truely love & support you and let go of the ones who simply add chaos, anger & hurt to your life. Cling tightly to your husband and your belief in yourself. If you are like me, your stubborness will see you through! I truely hope that you find your "way" and gain peace, understanding & joy in your life.

 

[newchickgal]

I have a friend who, after years of emotional abuse from her mother, estranged herself from her. She just cut her out of her life completely, she had too for self preservation. She finally got the inner strength to do that after too many years of it. Sometimes that is what needs to be done.

 

[newfoundland]

I have seen this so often in my life. I have known people in their fifties still trying to get recognition from an indifferent and uncaring family. 'Happy to pick up the crumbs from the table', as we say. Don't put yourself through this my dear. I promise you there will come a day when you realise that you are completely happy with who you are. You wont need anybody's approval, least of all your parents. Concentrate on the family you have made, and the one you have become part of. They are the losers here, not you.

 

[QuinnP]

I am so sorry your family is a disappointment

 

[debilorrah]

I am very happy to read that everyone has remained supportive on Kara's thread.