Stay At Home Mom Blues...

[mmtillman]

SARAH....First of all

...count your blessings...that will put things in perspective in a big way...keep your faith...stay in the Word for encouragment and for a faithlift....TAlk to someone you trust....perhaps a pastor at a church....try attending a service sometime if you dont already ....Exercise...even if you dont feel like it ....take a short walk..then a longer one the next day, then a longer one....build up to it in small steps...so it is not so overwhelming to you ...and it all else fails.....do see a Dr.
Even if you encounter rude people....dont let some rude old biddy sitting in a dr office,

keep you from the help you might need, ok? So much I could say...I was in your shoes at your age and my heart aches for you ...but !!! You can over come this and YOU WILL! OK??
Pm me if you ever need someone to talk to ok?? I am older, but wiser and as I said...''been there and done that ''....
God bless you and may He give you strength to get past this rut you are in !!!!

 

[ScoobyRoo]

SarahFair,
I have not read all the post but let me give you my personal experience. I was a SAHM for 13 years. My youngest son is 10. We have two small businesses that I do the bookwork on and on top of being a wife and mother. We do new housing construction and we know that is not going anywhere at the moment. Anyway, during that time I did take time for myself to spend the whole day with my good friend shopping, eating and talking. It does wonders!! I would get depressed at times but it didn't last long because I'm fortunate to have wonderful friends and family. I now have a 3 day a week job. I love what I do but I sincerely miss my 'other' job. Which is being a full time stay at home mom. I'm so busy that I wondered how these 'full' time working mother's (outside the home) did it. All 3 of my kids are involved in some sort of activity and it take both of us sometimes 3 to meet arrangements. I dearly miss my friend so now I want to cry.

Some women are not meant to stay home full time and some were. I was the later if the two. It will get better just be positive. I know it is easier said than done.

 

[SarahFair]

Thank you everyone. I only have a few seconds to type till a little later but...

Last night I really talked to my SO. When I started to tell him how I felt it made me feel a little dumb but I kept right on. He tried to make it seem like I was turning it all around on him but I told him no it was both our faults for letting it come to this. He isnt happy I am no happy we need to work on this together.
I told him I didnt think it was fair how every project I wanted to do he didnt think it was a good idea and not to do it. I gave him the example of painting the kitchen and dining room. He said 'We stopped and looked at colors!' I said 'Ohh when you were 3/4 down another isle rolling your eyes and sighing about what I was doing? No. That is not looking for colors. That is making me feel like poo because I want to make a little change.'
He told me I could do whatever I wanted to the house and hell help me any way he can. It made me feel a little better anyway. He really is a sweet guy just dumb when it comes to feelings and obvious problems..
I told him I have nothing to look forward to anymore except 'Wheres Kyle and his friends going to hang out this weekend? Where am I going to get to be Kyles DD this weekend? When am I finally going to get to leave the party Im DDing for my SO?' I told him I felt he was being a little selfish with my feelings and putting others infront of me. He tried blaming it on FB season. Um no. Football season has only been going on for a short while and while I enjoy watching the UGA game myself our saturdays does not have to revolve around it and your friends..


I told him I wanted to start making goals for ourselves. You know start out with the house. Recarpet our bedroom (I want hardwood..even the fake hardwood would work..but he wants carpet) floor since it was ripped at the door before we moved in.

I told him I wanted to start doing things with the family more. We ONLY do things with each other inside our property lines and outside them we are putting them off on MeMaw. I didnt think it was fair to our kids and wondered how we were suppose to grow as a family. He still isnt keen on the idea but I plan on sticking with it.




So all this stuff finally off my chest I slept pretty sound last night. I woke this morning with a new attitude that I hope sticks through the day. Im going to take a multivitamin with my breakfast this morning too.


Thankyou everyone who relpied!

 

[StupidBird]

first of all, SarahFair, hugs...

and just when did you sneak into my diary?
its almost a direct copy of when my life stunk up a few years back. I had a health breakdown - and depression on top of it. It was bad. And yes, DH was clueless.

My personal experience, which may have no bearing on yours:
All the *()(*& antihistimines, allergy and asthma drugs were actually causing suicidal depression. On top of having real world causes for depression. On medical advice did vitamin E and sublingual B12 (still on 2000 units or whatever, testing low). Being outside everyday. Stupid as it is, flylady.net helped too. Getting chickens helped, I have to go outside every day for that. I'm still a member of the Diagnosis Of the Month club; this month its hormones...

I'm still working on getting friends again. When I stayed home with the kids, it was hard; after the breakdown impossible. BYC is kinda filling in here. I used to go to church alot but got too sensitive to the old buildings.

The guilt level is bad. I used to have to practically pitch a screaming fit to get DH to listen. having friends over, getting used to asking for help before I fall apart, alot has changed. I still want to smack him upside the head on a regular basis; but usually I just tell him that.

It WILL get better. and there will be set backs. Just keep pushing !

And thankyou everyone here, I feel better too after reading all your thoughtful replies.

 

[skeeter03]

Hey your in my world. I think most stay at homers go through something like this. its the same ole routine everyday!! blah!!!
I find having a million little hobbies helps me. one month I cross stitch like crazy - for almost a year I studied up on herbs and how to make my own soaps and lotions and balms - now its converting vhs home movies to digital and editing them.
I always have something extra on the go just to keep me from the same ole routine
And haha on painting the house - my hubby comes home me having the house ripped apart and me painting randomly all the time! we have been in this house 2 years and I have painted the main living area twice already.
Oh and you need to have a social life!!!! Something that I dont really have kind of a hermit really but I try to get out at least two or three times a month just by myself even if it is for a few hours. I go sit at my sisters house or my moms (i avoid stores so i dont spend money) and once in awhile we have girls night at a place that has two for one appies after 9 pm. or we have girls nights with lots of good food at someones house. Shortly we are having a "rockband" sleepover with a bunch of girls. teehee should be a gooder.
I would still go see your doc just so that he is aware of how you feel and he can give you advice
chin up sweety hopefully this will pass. or you can find a way to get out of your "slump"

 

[Buff Hooligans]

Quote:
Sarah, blessings on you for telling us and allowing us to help you in the ways that we can.

When I first read your post, right away I thought to myself DEPRESSION. Probably caused by a combination of chemical and situational issues. Sometimes a person's situation will start a perfectly logical depression (that anybody could understand and forgive), then plunge into chemical depression (that most people don't understand).

Get the chemical part right (SEE YOUR DOCTOR), and once the dull grayness & numbness of your heart goes away, then and only then can you address the situations that might have caused the first type of depression.

Blessings on you - I've been there, several times. It's HARD.

 

[australorpchick]

I totally agree with mandelyn. Don't let how others treat you, dictate your feelings about yourself. You need to keep yourself busy. Come up with something you never thought you could do and try it. Painting's a great way to start. If it doesn't come out the way you want it, just paint it again. Once you get your painting out of your system, jump to something else. Just make sure you do it to the best of your ability. You'll be amazed at what you're able to accomplish. I've been married for 14 years and I don't think my poor DH has been bored since we've met. He never knows what to expect from me. Not only does he enjoy that, he's proud of it.

I came from a family where certain things just weren't acceptable for the women. We could be the breadwinners, but the "Mans' work/project" were for the men. That's not to say the women didn't want to, they just never thought they could. My feeling is if they can do it, why can't I. I might need some help with the heavy lifting, but I'm just as capable as they are and so are you.

 

[SarahFair]

Quote:
I myself have those feelings. I sometimes feel I could do it better if I could just get his help using the circular saw. Just show me how to use it one good time and I wont ever ask you again! I beg I plead but he acts like its the BIGGEST chore in the world.

I want to be as independent as I can possibly be but when you dont ever get pat on the back a good job or thank you its like ...'why? why should I ever do anything agian? Whos going to notice that its not getting done? Who cares if it gets done? Why do I bother?' then once it is nasty dirty I feel like the worst person in the world cause I didnt do anything about it.



I am about to take this calendar here and wright down the chores on it so I see it everyday. I think visuals help me a lot more then mentals..

 

[australorpchick]

I hear you on the circular saw, DH put his foot down on that one and won't let me use one either. I was going to argue, until I picked it up. It's kind of heavy and I don't feel like accidentally cutting off a limb. I used an old skil jigsaw at first. But for Christmas DH bought me a light-weight B&D jigsaw. I built my 4'w x 8'l x 6'h coop with that saw. Now I want a miter saw.

I understand what you're saying about the non-appreciation, I went through that for a little while with DH too. When DH did this, as soon as he got home I'd say something like "Look the dishes are all done, doesn't the kitchen look nice" and sit there looking at him until he agreed and thanked me. I know it was fishing for compliments, but I didn't care and it worked. Eventually, he started doing it on his own. I also thank him and compliment him, even if it's something small. If anything, it's a reminder that it's his turn to respond.

Good for you for talking to DH about your feelings. I think a lot of women internalize their feelings and expect men to guess what's wrong. Most men are not that intuitive. When DH gets me upset, i tell him "I am not happy with you" and then I tell him why. He doesn't have to worry about guessing what he did wrong and I don't have to worry about his guessing wrong.

 

[6chickens in St. Charles]

Remember part of depression is confusion. Really. In depression, the issues are foggy, jumbled, emotional/anxious, undefined. Its really hard to have a discussion with a depressed person, they can't stay on the subject, and much of what they say doesn't make a lot of sense. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, both me and my husband. Luckily not at the same time so we were able to help each other through it! LOL!

Adding a glass of wine "to help you feel better" only makes it worse. Talk about foggy thinking......

Like you, I loved mothering my kids and growing our garden and making our little shack a home and working at my nursing career, but then depression hit. I missed many days of work and I stopped taking care of the family, and the marriage fell apart. For a year I contemplated disappearing from my life vs. Guilt-of-Not-Showing-Up-for-patients-who-really-needed-me. Looked like my only options were Exhaustion vs. Guilt. None of that by choice, it just crept up on me, I couldn't function, life was so "foggy". Then I fixed the depression and now my life is very, very good.

Everybody's situation is different, so everybody's treatment will vary. I had to go see a doctor at first for a full physical, because things like pregnancy, thyroid, heart attacks can look like depression, too. OH HOW I WISH ALL AMERICANS HAD ACCESS TO GOOD, APPROPRIATE HEALTH CARE!!!! I was lucky to get guidance from a doctor.

The funny thing is, if you have depression my lengthy message here will be too much to read and comprehend. Depression causes confusion and often looks like attention-deficit-disorder (ADD) because depressed people just can't focus. Writing lists may help, but wont cure the problem (you'll probably misplace the list, again and again...)I sure do hope you can get yourself seen by a good doctor. I will pray for that. I'd hate to think of you suffering as long or hard as I did. You sound like a good person, I hope you feel better soon.