Ahhh, I am steaming mad at my teenage son right now!!!!!

[saddina]

Robin'sBrood :

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No, he was asking if there was anything he could do to get himself ungrounded, which is why we had the whole punishment discussion with him, again. He was grounded for getting in trouble here at home, not for something he did at school. So now he has gone and gotten himself suspended from school ON TOP of being grounded at home.

He is too old to be acting out at the thought of having another new sibling, right? To be sure....


BTW, I have a 21 year old son and we had our moments with him too, so this isn't the first time we've been on the teenage rebellion road.... but this kid is very different than my older son... not nearly as mature for his age, and he is much more of a "follower" than my older son ever was. This kid is the kind that does something and THEN thinks about it... which is very scary.

Technically, no. Anytime you add a new child it upsets the balance for the other children. However in this case I'm going to say this has far less to do with the baby, and more to do with his wanting to impress the kids at school.

It'll be ok.​

 

[Robin'sBrood]

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I'm going to share this with my husband. Thanks!

 

[Luvin Life]

Cetawin, totally agree I've used this on both of my sons when they were teenagers. Tough love works wonders.

 

[HEChicken]

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Debi, this set off alarm bells for me. I simply cannot tell you how damaging it is to get the silent treatment from a parent. My mother's mother yelled a lot. Not wanting to be like her, my mother took the opposite tack, giving us the silent treatment whenever she was displeased with us. Out of 5 kids, she does not have a close relationship with any of us as adults. For me, I will *never* give my kids (or anyone else for that matter) the silent treatment. When I am displeased, I let them know it, tell them why, tell them I'm disappointed in them, but also reassure that although I just don't always like their actions, I still love them (yes, my kids are teenagers). I have a super close relationship with both, much more so than I ever had with my parents, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Could I please urge in the strongest possible terms that the silent treatment never be used as a method of discipline? I don't believe it works as discipline and will almost certainly create long-standing resentment.

 

[Robin'sBrood]

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Thanks, Birdmom. He already has a job and is saving for a car and insurance. We don't yell at him, we have rational discussions with him and try to treat him as a 16 year old, and not a 6 year old, but he just doesn't seem to be getting it that he can not do certain things without there being negative consequences. But isn't that how the real world is? Isn't it better for him to learn about losing his freedom here at home rather than learn that in jail? That's how we are looking at this.

 

[debilorrah]

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Debi, this set off alarm bells for me. I simply cannot tell you how damaging it is to get the silent treatment from a parent. My mother's mother yelled a lot. Not wanting to be like her, my mother took the opposite tack, giving us the silent treatment whenever she was displeased with us. Out of 5 kids, she does not have a close relationship with any of us as adults. For me, I will *never* give my kids (or anyone else for that matter) the silent treatment. When I am displeased, I let them know it, tell them why, tell them I'm disappointed in them, but also reassure that although I just don't always like their actions, I still love them (yes, my kids are teenagers). I have a super close relationship with both, much more so than I ever had with my parents, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Could I please urge in the strongest possible terms that the silent treatment never be used as a method of discipline? I don't believe it works as discipline and will almost certainly create long-standing resentment.

My son is 20 years old now and a very kind and respectful young man. What works for one doesn't work for the masses. Not having conversations with him is better than the treatment I got from my mother - constant insults. If I can't say something nice or constructive, I choose to keep my trap shut. I would never do that to a younger child either - he was 17 at the time and knew exactly why I didn't want to talk to him. Because we are close - I raised him alone and he is an only child - he wanted to do whatever he could to prove to me he would never do it again. After 5 days he finally said he was sorry - which is all it took.

It wasn't really discipline either. I couldn't SAY anything to him that would have helped. I was that angry with the boy. Today we are still close.

 

[horsejody]

When my son was a teenager he got into big trouble once. It was bad. He and a friend were caught shoplifting. The DA and the store agreed to not press charges if he completed a diversion program, paid the store for the items and a reasonable cost for their security officer's time and paid for his diversion program. He got put on lockdown. We told him that, if he wanted to be a criminal, we would treat him like one. Clothing was jeans and white t-shirts (except at church). He was allowed no phone, computer or games privileges. He was confined to his room (with all entertainment items removed). He could only readbooks that we approved of or watch television if his father and I invited him into the livingroom to do so (that was once a week at the most). He was only allowed out of his room to eat, go to the bathroom, shower, do manual labor, go to school and go to church. The punishment started the day he got caught. We told him that it would end on the day he finished the diversion class, paid for everything the DA said and repaid us for our time off work and transportation costs for getting him to the diversion classes. DS was not old enough to drive and didn't have a real job yet. We allowed him to seek work in the neighborhood doing manual labor for neighbors. He got caught in June and finished the course and had all of his debts paid in December. Yes, he was in the "prison" we created for him that whole time. I was very worried the whole time that he would be emotionally scarred for life. It wasn't a valid worry. It was the best thing for him. He learned to love going to church and became very active in it. He stopped seeing his old friends and got new ones. He never got into trouble again.

The diversion program was very good. The best part was when they took him to the prison. I was fore warned that the prison visit was going to be harsh. A teenage prisoner talked the diversion students about being in a gang and the horrors of prison. They learned how he watched his best friend get murdered there and how nobody really cared. Then they had an older prisoner talk to them. He told them all very graphically about all of the things he was going to do to their sweet young bodies if they were ever in trouble again and got to be his cellmate. Parents were not allowed in those meetings. The warden let the inmate intimidate and scare them until he got the reaction he wanted. Then he escorted them back to the visitors' waiting room while screaming at them to get out of his prison and if any of them came back they could be darned sure about who their cellmate was gonna be. I think that it really took the glamor out of being the "bad boy' to these kids. The kids came out ghost white. Some were crying. When I asked what they told him during his "tour" of the prison, he just said, "Things I can't say to my mother." He had no clue that I knew in advance what the plan was.

DS is now a well adjusted grown man. It was the best thing that ever happened to him. Don't be afraid of tough love. It works.

 

[AK Michelle]

My girlfriend, who's children are grown now, gave me some good advice when my teens started being problem children...

It's time to build a wall. We have an abundance of large-ish rocks that would make a lovely rock wall.) You don't really "need" a rock wall but they need to build one. So they get to scrounge suitable rocks (plus I had some delivered from a local gravel pit) and they get to stack rocks, not the most fun, but it's hard work and it has definate, measureable results. Now how big, how long, how wide can be all up to you. But if it's not perfect, or they put rock A behind Rock B and you want them reversed, don't be afraid to have them undo and redo the project. It builds character.

Option 2 was to dig a big hole. Again, we have rock ground so this is hard work. Just pick a place and let them start. The point is the work, not the need for the work to be done.

I have found that my kids can sit in thier rooms till the end of time. Manual labor is a nightmare for them.

So far, we've had good results.

Good luck.

 

[Yard full o' rocks]

Robin....you mentioned he is 16 and saving for insurance and a car. Driving is a privilege, not a right. My 14 year old (soon to be 15 in Jan) understands that there are certain ways we expect him to act and "not to act" and he understands that falling short of those expectations will delay his getting a learner's license and/or ultimately his license.

Cars provide "freedoms" for children which are earned. Perhaps "delaying" his ability to get his license (while all of his other friends have theirs) might enlighten him a bit.

Personally, I think the homeschooling thing would work educationally for him. BUT, we have all got to act "socially responsible" and removing him from that environment might solve the problem in the short term....but what about the next time he "chooses his friends"....

Will be praying for you and him as I believe we should all pray for our children as well as the children of others. Times are much tougher for them today than when I was growing up.....but, THEY ARE OUR FUTURE!!

Best of luck to you and him

 

[MuranoFarms]

Between cutting off access to the girlfriend and the friends, it sounds like homeschooling is the way to go!

If he's been caught with cigarettes, is there some way to figure out where he's buying them? If you can, and call up the manager and tell them you know for a fact a minor bought cigarettes there.....it might scare the place enough to make them start carding kids. I know it doesn't help with any of the other problems, but if you can cut off the source it might help somewhat.

You might want to check his wallet for a fake id....I was a teenager once